The Annotated Guide to Gilmore girls

>_TEASER_<

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai is sitting on the couch, she has called Emily.

EMILY
(from phone)
Hello? Gilmore residence.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hey, mom, it's me. I just wanted to leave you a message letting you know that unfortunately I will not be able to come by tonight to take a look at your new curtains.

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Emily comes down the stairs.

EMILY
(into phone)
Lorelai, it's me.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LORELAI
So, sorry I missed you, but...

EMILY
You didn't miss me. For heaven's sakes, I'm right here.

LORELAI
Hello?

EMILY
Hello? Lorelai?

LORELAI
Hello?

EMILY
Hello?

LORELAI
Huh. That's weird. I don't know if your machine just cut me off.

Emily shakes the cordless phone.

EMILY
Is something wrong with this phone?

LORELAI
Anyway, uh, something came up, and I just have to take a rain check on the curtain check. I'm sure they're beautiful. No one knows how to pick out curtains like you. You're the curtain queen.

EMILY^
Rain check, Lorelai I'm right here, I'm on the phone, Lorelai.

EMILY
Hello? Lorelai, can you hear me?

LORELAI
Anyway, have a good night, curtain queen. Give my best to dad. Bye.

EMILY
Lorelai? Hello? Hello?

Lorelai hangs up.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Christopher sitting next to Lorelai puts his arm around her.

LORELAI
(to Christopher)
See? I told you it would work.

CHRISTOPHER
Wow. How did you even think to...

LORELAI
Well, it's natural instincts honed by years of experience.

CHRISTOPHER
Wow.

LORELAI
Yeah. Fight or flight, you know. Fight or flight and I just did my nails, so...

CHRISTOPHER
Flight.

LORELAI^
Flight.

They Kiss.

CHRISTOPHER
Wow.

The phone ring and Lorelai tosses it aside on the couch.

>_END OF TEASER_<

===

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai is at the table listening to French lessions on audio tape.

MAN (ON TAPE)
Ou est la station de métro le plus proche?
(in French accent)
"Where is the nearest subway station?"

LORELAI
Yeah.

MAN (ON TAPE)
Ou est-ce que je peux acheter un billet?
(in French accent)
"Where can I buy a ticket?"

CHRISTOPHER
The hunter and gatherer has returned.

Lorelai turns off the tape quickly as Chris enters with breakfast.

LORELAI
Hey. Listen to how good I've gotten.

MAN (ON TAPE)
Pouvez-vous me donner un plan de métro, s'il vous plat?
(in French accent)
Could I have a map of the subway, please?"

LORELAI
(in French accent)
Could I have a map of the subway, please?

CHRISTOPHER
Impressive.

LORELAI
 Right? I'm practically fluent.
(in French accent)
Thank you for the coffee and croissant.

CHRISTOPHER
De rien. "You're welcome."

LORELAI
(chuckles)
Duh.

Christopher sits down.

CHRISTOPHER
I thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine, so I got croissants and café au lait.

LORELAI
I thought café au lait was Spanish.

CHRISTOPHER
No, it's French for "coffee and milk." "Lait" is "milk."

LORELAI
Really, I thought it was "café olé," like, "coffee! All right!"

CHRISTOPHER
You're kidding. You're not kidding. You are. You're kidding. I can't tell whether you're kidding.

LORELAI
I'm a woman of mystery.

CHRISTOPHER
You might want to try repeating those words in French.

LORELAI
No...

CHRISTOPHER
We leave for Paris in two weeks.

LORELAI
Yes but I don't have to actually speak French. I just have to sound French. That way if the Parisians find me just another uncouth American, I can tell them my sad story.
(in French accent)
"I was born in Marseille, "and my parents were killed in a tres tragique accident. And so I was sent to the states and adopted by the evil Gilmore's, who refused to let me speak French, but I never forgot the accent of my mother country."

CHRISTOPHER
That's a complicated back story.

LORELAI
I've led a complicated life.

CHRISTOPHER
Somebody gets a lot of mail.

LORELAI
Yeah, well, I'm a popular gal. Also, my system is, I only open my mail once a month.

CHRISTOPHER
Your system is to open your mail once a month?

LORELAI
12 times a year, you know, because if you open your mail more than that, you get a lot of mattress fliers and bills and another bill. This way, I open it once a month, and I get letters from people who still write letters and shampoo samples and fun stuff. It's fun.

CHRISTOPHER
Hey, what's this?

LORELAI
Um, something from Yale?

CHRISTOPHER
About the parents' weekend. We should go.

LORELAI
Nah.

CHRISTOPHER
Why nah?

LORELAI
I'm sure it already happened.

CHRISTOPHER
No, it's happening this weekend. Come on. Could be fun.

LORELAI
I got to wash my hair.

She holds up the free shampoo sample.

CHRISTOPHER
Why don't you want to go?

LORELAI
Because, my hair.

CHRISTOPHER
Looks great when it's dirty. The oil gives it a kind of sheen a gloss.

LORELAI
Parents' weekend is for lame-o parents whose kids hate them, so they need a school-sanctioned event so they all spend time together.

CHRISTOPHER
A professor of geology is giving a tour of the Peabody museum.

LORELAI
My kid likes me. I can go to Yale any time I want. 51 weekends of the year is my parents' weekend.

CHRISTOPHER
"The Gemstones of Yale." How cool does that sound?

LORELAI
On a scale of 1 to 2? Listen, parents' weekend is not an accurate portrait of the school, anyway. They make special food. They gussy the place up. They plant kids under trees reading Tolstoy, so it all looks very collegiate and idyllic.

CHRISTOPHER
There's a brunch at Branford with the provost.

LORELAI
I've always loved the word "provost." Although I have no idea who or what a provost is, it just sounds so...

CHRISTOPHER
Idyllic and collegiate?

LORELAI
Yes or something from a deli counter. "Extra provost on that, please." Do you really want to go?

CHRISTOPHER
It's parents' weekend, we're Rory's parents, and we're together, and why not? Come on, I'll help you shampoo your hair the night before.

LORELAI
All right. But I have to work on Sunday, so we'll have to go Saturday, and you'll have to give me a nice head massage when you wash my hair.

CHRISTOPHER
 With shampoo samples.

LORELAI 
And blow it out.

CHRISTOPHER
Done.

LORELAI
And braid it.

CHRISTOPHER
I'll French-braid it.

Telephone rings.

LORELAI
Ooh la la.
(into phone)
Hello?

EXT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAMPUS - DAY

RORY
(into phone)
Mom?

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LORELAI
Bonjour, Rory.

RORY
Well, if it isn't the orphan from Marseille.

LORELAI
C'est moi. What are you doing?

RORY
Heading to class.

LORELAI
Class?

RORY
Yes, class, where they teach you all the college learnin'.

LORELAI
You're a senior. I thought no seniors went to class before noon. Nerd alert! Nerd alert!

RORY
Says the woman saying "nerd alert!"

LORELAI
Hey guess who's coming to parents' weekend.

RORY
Bunch of lame parents whose kids hate 'em.

LORELAI
Yes, and your parents.

RORY
No way.

LORELAI
I got to keep you on your toes. When you think I'll zig, I'll zag. Then when you think I'm gonna zag, I do zag, just to mess you up for the next time, when I might zig.

RORY
Dad's making you zag?

LORELAI
He's dying to meet the provost.

RORY
Well, who isn't?

Lorelai hands Christopher the phone

CHRISTOPHER
(into phone)
It's your mom who's all about the provost. I just wanted to see you and check it out. And I wouldn't mind seeing the gemstones of Yale.

Lorelai makes a funny face.

RORY
The huh?

CHRISTOPHER
The gemstones, the Yale gemstones.

RORY
Oh, right.

CHRISTOPHER
So is it cool if we come? It's only for Saturday.

RORY
Yeah it would be great, I mean Saturday's gonna be pretty busy for me 'cause we have to put out a parents' weekend edition of the paper, but I could definitely do lunch.

CHRISTOPHER
(to Lorelai)
She can do lunch.

LORELAI
(to Christopher)
All right then we'll do lunch. I'll have extra provost with mine.

She takes the phone back.

LORELAI
Hey after lunch, can we walk hunky Dan?

RORY
Handsome Dan?

LORELAI
That's his official mascot name. "Hunky Dan" is what I call him when we're alone.

RORY
Mom, I got to go.

LORELAI
You know who'd make a great mascot? Paul Anka.

RORY
Mum.

LORELAI
I'm not sure he's the ivy league type, though. He might need more of a hacky-sacking, poetry-reading, tie-dyeing kind of place...

RORY
Mum.

LORELAI
Like Reed or Oberlin, where the air is sweet with the scent of patchouli.

RORY
Mum. I'm not missing the beginning of this lecture.

LORELAI
Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Nerd alert! 

Lorelai hangs up the phone and smiles at Chris.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Kirk and Lulu are at the counter, Luke is behind it.

KIRK
What kind of sandwich is that, Luke?

LUKE
Ham and cheese.

KIRK
Is it stinky cheese?

LUKE
Cheddar.

KIRK
Because you really don't want to pack April a lunch with stinky cheese. By lunchtime, the whole bag will smell, and people won't believe it's just the cheese. They'll think it's her. They'll think she's stinky.

LUKE
Eat your breakfast, Kirk.

LULU
(to Kirk)
Muffin?

KIRK
Yes, muffin?

LULU
No, I'm offering.

KIRK
Is it bran?

LULU
It's banana.

KIRK
It could be banana-bran.

LULU
It's just banana.

KIRK
Okay.

LULU
Butter?

KIRK
Not too much.

LULU
1 1/2 pats.

KIRK
Two pats is too much.

LULU
1 1/2.

There's honking outside

LUKE
(yells)
April, your ride's here.

APRIL (O.S.)
I'm coming!

She comes down from the apartment.

LUKE
(to April)
Got everything?

APRIL
Yeah.

LUKE
Protractor?

APRIL
I got it.

LUKE
Biology homework?

APRIL
Yep.

LUKE
Extra sweater?

APRIL
I still got the green cardigan in my locker.

LUKE
Good, good.

APRIL
Bye, dad.

LUKE
Wait what about your swimsuit?

APRIL
I got it.

LUKE
You sure you don't need a ride to swim practice?

APRIL
Megan's mom is taking me. I told you.

The ride starts honking the horn.

LUKE
(yells)
She's coming!
(to April)
All right, so, look -- I'll pick you up at 5:00, and I'll be there right after work.

Horn honks.

APRIL
Okay.

LUKE
All right, already! She's standing right here!
(to April)
Go.

APRIL
All right. Bye.

April runs off.

LUKE
Yeesh!

LULU
I should go, too. Have a good day, baby.

KIRK
You too.

LULU
Bye, Luke.

LUKE
Bye, Lulu.

Kirk watches as Lulu leaves, and then sighs.

KIRK
Could someone crack a window? Because I am suffocating.

LUKE
What?

KIRK
Tell me you didn't see that.

LUKE
See what, Kirk?

KIRK
Lulu! She's smothering me!

LUKE
Smothering you?

KIRK
Everywhere I go, there she is. I'm sitting at the movies. Who's sitting next to me? Lulu. I go out to dinner. Who's sitting across from me? Lulu. I'm hanging out on the couch, watching TV. Who's right there next to me?

LUKE
Your mother.

KIRK
And Lulu. And at least mother respects my personal space. Sometimes when you're watching "Antiques Roadshow," you just don't want somebody tickling your arm.

Outside the ride for April quickly backs up, April gets out and runs into the diner to get the packed lunch she forgot on the counter.

APRIL
(to Luke)
Bye again.

Luke smiles as he watched April leave again.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: DRAGONFLY INN, KITCHEN - DAY

Michel and Sookie enter the kitchen, Lorelai is getting some coffee.

MICHEL
You're pitiful.

SOOKIE
I'm just telling you how it is.

MICHEL
You don't tell me how it is. I tell you how it is.

SOOKIE
No, you don't.

MICHEL
Yes, I do.

SOOKIE
You think you do. But you don't that's what I'm trying to tell you.

MICHEL
You're telling me that you tell me how it is?

SOOKIE
That's what I'm telling you.

MICHEL
We'll just see about that. Lorelai?

LORELAI
Busy.

MICHEL
We have a question.

LORELAI
Busy, busy bee.

MICHEL
Sookie's under the mistaken impression that she will be in charge of the front desk while you are in Paris. I informed her that that job falls to me. Could you please clear this up for her?

LORELAI
Did I not mention how busy I am? Busy, like a bee. Bzzz!

MICHEL
Lorelai!

LORELAI
Michel, while I am away, you're in charge of the front desk.

MICHEL
Ha!

LORELAI
However, Sookie is a co-owner of the inn, so she is in charge in charge.

SOOKIE
Ha ha!

MICHEL
That is preposterous. She does not know the first thing about running the front desk.

SOOKIE
All I have to know is how to tell your sorry behind to stand at the front desk and be courteous and to check those nice people in and out.

She imitates a whip crack.

LORELAI
Sorry.

MICHEL
Absurd.

He leaves.

SOOKIE
That's right, back to your station!

She imitates a whip crack again.

LORELAI
Really was that really necessary?

SOOKIE
What?

LORELAI
To provoke him like that. You know how sensitive he is.

SOOKIE
Well, I'm sorry. He's been driving me crazy. He keeps referring to himself as my supervisor and insisting that I call him "captain."

LORELAI
Well now I have to deal all day with sulky, pouty Michel.

SOOKIE
He's a big baby. He should come to work wearing a diaper and caring a rattle.

LORELAI
Maybe while I'm gone, you can get him to do that. 

She imitates a whip crack and then leaves. Knock on kitchen outside door. A man comes in carrying a basket of produce.

HARVEY
Hello?

SOOKIE
Hi.

HARVEY
Are you Sookie St. James?

SOOKIE
That's me.

HARVEY
I'm Harvey Tuttle. I just took over the Tillman farm.

SOOKIE
Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Beautiful property.

HARVEY
Thank you. I still can't quite believe it's all mine. Anyhow, this is my first crop, and I'm just offering free samples to all the local restaurants. Got some eggplant, zucchini, some tomatoes here.

SOOKIE
Oh, thank you, but I already have a vegetable supplier.

HARVEY
Well, you know, technically, tomatoes are a fruit.

SOOKIE
Ah. Fair point. Well, I have a vegetable and fruit supplier.

HARVEY
How about legumes?

SOOKIE
And legumes.

HARVEY
That's okay why don't you go ahead and take this batch anyway?

SOOKIE
Oh, no, no, no.

HARVEY
On the house on the house. And If you like it and feel like passing my name along, I'd greatly appreciate it.

SOOKIE
Okay. I will do that.

HARVEY
Thank you. It was nice meeting you, Sookie.

SOOKIE
Nice to meet you, too. 

Harvey leaves. Sookie Smells a some of the vegetables

SOOKIE
Ooh.

INT. WOODBRIDGE: SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Susan, the swim instructor, is wrapping up lessons.

SUSAN
Come on! Everybody should be in the locker room! Allison, Haley, no running.

LAURA
My towel's all wet.

SUSAN
That's what happens when you throw it in the pool, Laura. It's a terrific lesson in cause and effect. Now, squeeze it out and go get changed. 

She puts some equipment away. A girl hands her a board.

SUSAN
(to girl)
Thank you. 

She turns around to see Luke.

SUSAN
Hi, there.

LUKE
Hi. I'm Luke Danes.

SUSAN
April's dad. She talks a lot about you.

LUKE
Yeah, you must be coach Bennett.

SUSAN
Susan.

LUKE
Yeah.

They shake hands

SUSAN
Nice to meet you.

LUKE
Yeah. You too.

SUSAN
April's in the locker room. She should be right out.

LUKE
Okay.

SUSAN
She's doing really great, definitely one of our most enthusiastic swimmers.

LUKE
Yeah, she really seems to love it.

SUSAN
Good natural technique. Does she get that from you?

LUKE
Oh, no, not me. No I don't really know how to swim.

SUSAN
Seriously?

LUKE
Yeah. I mean, I could doggy-paddle to shore in a pinch, but I never really learned formally.

SUSAN
Luke, that's not good.

LUKE
I'm pretty good on land though

SUSAN
You need to be certified. You take April to pools, lakes, the ocean.

LUKE
I never really thought about that.

SUSAN
No worries, I teach an adult swim class Saturday mornings for an hour and half. It's an 8-week course. In fact I just started new round of classes last week, so if you came this Saturday, you'll really not have missed much at all.

LUKE
Oh, I-I don't know.

SUSAN
Luke, this is not something I would wait on.

LUKE
Well, I -- yeah, okay. I guess I could do that.

SUSAN
Great.

April walks up.

APRIL
Oh. Hey, dad.

LUKE
Hey.

APRIL
Oh, this is coach Bennett.

LUKE
Yeah, we were just meeting.

APRIL
Well did she tell you I'm gonna swim the 100-meter butterfly and the 4x100-meter freestyle at our meet next week?

LUKE
No, but that's great!

APRIL
I mean I'm not anchor or anything, but I'm still pretty fast.

SUSAN
And getting faster all the time. And hey your dad's gonna take a swim class with me.

APRIL
(laughs)
Really? You are?

LUKE
Well, yeah.

APRIL
Do you even own a bathing suit?

LUKE
Yeah, I do. It's not a Speedo or anything.

APRIL
(laughs)
That is the funniest thing I have ever, can we call mom and tell her from the car?

LUKE
Yeah.

April and Luke leaves.

EXT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAMPUS - DAY

LORELAI
Grass is just not this green -- not outside of "Pleasantville," it isn't.

CHRISTOPHER
So, what exactly are you saying?

LORELAI
I'm suggesting they brought in sod.

CHRISTOPHER
You suspect sod.

LORELAI
Yes yes, or spray paint. Maybe they spray-painted the grass when they spray-painted these trees 'cause I mean there's autumnal foliage and then there's autumnal foliage. It's over the top, people.

CHRISTOPHER
You're onto them. Hey, you think Yale piped in this crisp fall smell?

LORELAI
Uh, yeah, because Yale is crafty, Yale is smart. Yale is Yale, after all.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
(to other parent couple)
Have fun, you two! Go, bulldogs!

CHRISTOPHER
(to student volunteer)
Hello.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
Hi.

LORELAI
Let me ask you something. Do you really go here, or are you an actress hired by Yale?

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
What? I go here. I go here.

LORELAI
You're good. I almost believe you.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
I'm sorry?

CHRISTOPHER
Hi. We're Rory Gilmore's parents.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
Well, Rory Gilmore's parents, welcome to parents' weekend. Here's a parents' packet.

LORELAI
Fabulous.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
Inside, you should find a map of the campus. You are here.

LORELAI
So we are.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
A schedule of the weekend's events and a nametag.

LORELAI
Thanks. Great. Go, bulldogs.

STUDENT VOLUNTEER
I was just gonna say that. Have fun, you two.

LORELAI
Okay.

CHRISTOPHER
Thank you.

Christopher and Lorelai walk to the nametag station.

LORELAI
Hey, let's be Laverne and Shirley.

CHRISTOPHER
What? No.

LORELAI
Antony and Cleopatra? F. Scott and Zelda? Zinf and Del?

CHRISTOPHER
I think I'll stick with my own name.

LORELAI
Senior boring pants? Mr stick in the mud?

Lorelai reads the schedule.

LORELAI
"A cappella," "a cappella." Hmm-hmm. There's a terrifying number of a-cappella jams this weekend.

CHRISTOPHER
What exactly is an a-cappella jam?

Lorelai's cell phone rings.

LORELAI
I don't know, but it sure sounds painful.
(into phone)
Hey. We're here.

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, NEWSROOM - DAY

RORY
(to AK)
Hey, See if you can get that editorial to fit on one page.
(into phone)
So, you're here.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATIO

LORELAI
With bells on, and nothing else, except leg warmers, roller skates, and Groucho Marx glasses.

RORY
How classy.

CHRISTOPHER
(to the phone)
Hi, Rory!

LORELAI
Well, we're your parents. We're supposed to embarrass you. Are you at the paper?

RORY
Yes, I am, indeed. Where are you guys?

LORELAI
We are near a big brick building and a big tree. Are you near there?

RORY
Possibly, we have a lot of brick buildings and old trees here at Yale.

CHRISTOPHER
Tell her we're by the L-shaped building that from the top looks like a Polaroid camera.

RORY
Believe it or not, I don't know what Yale's buildings look like from the sky.

LORELAI
How ignorant of you, honey.
(to Chris)
Rory says she doesn't give two figs about Yale architecture.

Christopher takes the phone.

CHRISTOPHER
Not two figs?

RORY
1 1/2 figs is all I'll give.

CHRISTOPHER
How are things at the paper?

RORY
Busy but good. I should be done by lunch.

CHRISTOPHER
Cool, so we got this schedule of events here. Any recommendations?

LORELAI
(to the phone)
Brunch with the provost!

CHRISTOPHER
I might like to tour the Peabody or maybe catch one of the faculty lectures, there's one called "plagues and pleasures" with professor summers.

RORY
Summers is good. He's a bigwig in the world of molecular biophysics.

CHRISTOPHER
Sounds hard.

RORY
Will I doubt there'll be an exam.

CHRISTOPHER
How about "the extravagant universe" with professor Quincy?

LORELAI
Aw God.

Lorelai takes the phone from Chris.

LORELAI
Hey, what is with all the a cappella? There's a cappella, a cappella, morning, noon, and night. I'm not sure I can take that much a cappella.

RORY
Then you should avoid arches. A-cappella groups tend to hang out under arches, arches and any other places with good acoustics.

LORELAI
Thanks for the tip.

RORY
And if you hear a pitch pipe, run. I got to get back to work.

LORELAI
Okay, we're gonna have brunch with the provost... or on the provost -- it's still unclear.

RORY
Bye, mom.

LORELAI
Bye.

Lorelai hangs up.

EXT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAMPUS - DAY

LORELAI
(to Chris)
Hey. What is with your nametag?

CHRISTOPHER
What do you mean?

LORELAI
It's in the middle of your chest.

CHRISTOPHER
So.

LORELAI
So you're supposed to wear it off to the side. Who wears a nametag in the middle of their chest?

CHRISTOPHER
Superman.

LORELAI
Superman's “S” that was not a nametag. That was an emblem.

CHRISTOPHER
So, this is my emblem.

LORELAI
"Hello, I'm Rory Gilmore's dad, Christopher" is your emblem?

CHRISTOPHER
Yes, it is.

LORELAI
I'm gonna have to ask you to walk 15 feet in front of me.

CUT TO:

INT. WOODBRIDGE: SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Luke and 6 other adults are in the pool with Susan.

SUSAN
And breathe in. And blow. And breathe in. And blow. Good, Luke. But try not to take such shallow breaths. 

She touches him on the chest.

SUSAN
Try to take slower, deeper breaths from your diaphragm. Feel that?

LUKE
Yeah.

RONALD
I'm having a little trouble getting deep breaths over here.

SUSAN
You're doing fine, Ronald. 
(to Luke)
Now you stopped breathing altogether.

Luke coughs.

SUSAN
Just try and relax.

LUKE
Okay.

SUSAN
It's okay. You'll get the hang of it.

LUKE
(breathless)
yeah.

SUSAN
Okay, everybody. That's it. Good work.
(to Luke)
You did good today.

They all start leaving the poll.

LUKE
Yeah? Thanks.

SUSAN
Yeah. You caught right up. I'll have you swimming like a fish in no time.

LUKE
Oh, good. Thank you.

SUSAN
So... you eat?

LUKE
Eat?

SUSAN
Food. I was thinking you could call me, and we could get a bite to eat.

LUKE
Uh, yeah, sure, sure.

SUSAN
Here. Here's the young dolphins' contact sheet. My number's right at the top.

LUKE
Okay. Great. Thanks.

SUSAN
See you soon.

LUKE
Bye.

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAFETERIA - DAY

LORELAI
Look at this propaganda. Belgian waffles, cloth napkins. I've had breakfast here before, and it was paper napkins and American cereal all the way. Yeah -- lox, capers, itty-bitty bagels? Pack of lies.

LOU
Coffee?

LORELAI
Uh, coffee.

CHRISTOPHER
Coffee.

LOU
I'm Lou, Ethan Morton's dad.

LORELAI
Cheers.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm Christopher. This is Lorelai. We're Rory Gilmore's parents.

LOU
Rory Gilmore? Sure she's a senior, right?

LORELAI
Wow. Did you memorize the student face book?

LOU
(chuckles)
The masthead of the Yale daily news. Ethan's an aspiring journalist and a big fan of your daughter's.

LORELAI
I love that Rory has fans.

LOU
Maybe we should set up a lunch so Rory could meet Ethan.

DAISY
Lou, honestly. I apologize on behalf of my husband, who can't seem to remember that Ethan already got into Yale. The pressure's off. He doesn't need his booster club anymore. Daisy.

LORELAI
Hi. Lorelai and Christopher. We're Rory Gilmore's parents.

DAISY
Oh, Rory Gilmore's parents.
(to Lou)
Oh! Where did you get the darling little bagels?

LORELAI
Oh, they're right over here. I'll show you.

DAISY
Oh...

Daisy follows Lorelai).

DAISY
You know Ethan really is an incredible journalist. He wrote this editorial for his high-school paper arguing that it should be legal to burn the American flag. Insightful as hell. I'd be glad to e-mail you a copy, if you want.

LORELAI
Where is the provost? Aren't you dying to meet the provost?

LOU
Sorry if I was being a bit pushy.

CHRISTOPHER
No. Please. You're a proud dad.

LOU
Yeah and we should be proud, right? Our kids done good.

CHRISTOPHER
(Chuckling) Yeah.

LOU
It's just hard to let go, you know, after all those years of looking over their homework and reading their papers, practicing lines with them for the school play, taking them to karate lessons, violin lessons, S.A.T.-Prep courses.

Chris looks on agreeing but feeling like he missed out.

JAKE
What about 5:00 A.M. Hockey practice?

LOU
Science projects.

JAKE
I helped owen build a wave generator one year. $3,200. That's what it cost me to replace the kitchen tiles when the thing exploded in the middle of the night.

CHRISTOPHER
It exploded?

JAKE
I sell ladies' shoes. What do I know about wave generators? Jake -- Owen Huber's dad.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm Christopher. I'm...

JAKE
Rory Gilmore's dad. I was just talking to your wife.

LORELAI
Um, actually, I'm not his wife.

JAKE
I didn't say you were I was talking about his wife -- Mrs. Gilmore. She's over there by the Mimosas.

Looks over to see Emily laughter with some other ladies.

LORELAI
Unbelievable.
(to Lou)
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me? I'm gonna go talk to Mrs. Gilmore.

LOU
Which lectures are you guys gonna hit?

Lorelai comes up to Emily.

EMILY
And I said to him, "they've tenured Bill Sunderland? Who's next -- Carmen Electra?"

Laughter.

LORELAI
Good one, mom.

EMILY
Lorelai.
(to ladies)
If you'll excuse us?
(to Lorelai)
Lorelai.

The ladies leave.

LORELAI
Hi.

EMILY
Well. My goodness. What on earth are you doing here?

LORELAI
What am I doing here? Well I think the question is, what are you doing here?

EMILY
It's Yale parents' weekend.

LORELAI
Yes, but you are not a parent.

EMILY
I still can't believe you're here.

LORELAI
Mother, it's parents' weekend. I'm a parent that's why I'm here. I'm a parent.

EMILY
And I'm a grandparent.

LORELAI
Right a grandparent, not a parent.

EMILY
A grandparent is a type of parent.

LORELAI
No, it's not.

EMILY
A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?

LORELAI
Well you got me there, Riddler, but I hope that logic works when I crash grandparents' weekend.

EMILY
Oh, please, Lorelai. Your father and I have been attending Rory's parents' weekends here at Yale since her freshman year. It's one of our little traditions.
(to passing woman)
Hello, Rachel. I'll see you at the field-hockey game?

LORELAI
It's one of your little traditions to pretend to be Rory's parents?

Richard walks up.

RICHARD
Lorelai. What a surprise.

LORELAI
Yes it is a surprise. You know why you guys aren't parents. Why are you here?

RICHARD
I'm an alumnus, Lorelai. Also a visiting faculty member.

EMILY
And you'll remember, until recently, your father and I were the ones taking responsibility for Rory's tuition.

LORELAI
Yes, I remember.

EMILY
We felt someone ought to attend, for Rory's sake. It's obviously not your kind of thing.

LORELAI
What is that supposed to mean?

RICHARD
Well, I'm glad you're here.

LORELAI
Thank you, me too. What's that supposed to mean?

EMILY
You don't like these kinds of things -- things with schedules and nametags. You mock these kinds of things.

LORELAI
Well I'm here I'm not mocking. I'm brunching.

RICHARD
I think you'll find parents' weekend great fun.

LORELAI
Thank you. It is. I am -- finding it great fun.

RICHARD
We always tour the campus, check in here at Branford, maybe take in a faculty lecture or two, and then take Rory out to dinner.

LORELAI
You're taking Rory to dinner?

EMILY
We're going to Chez Zinjustin this year, a fabulous French restaurant. They have a Creme Brulée that is to die for.

LORELAI
Well, that sounds like fun. Too bad you're gonna miss the tour of the gemstones of Yale.

RICHARD
The tour at Peabody? I thought that was much earlier.

LORELAI
Yes, well, it is -- for the general public. We signed up for a special evening one. Chris and I signed up weeks ago.

EMILY
Christopher's here?

LORELAI
Yes ‘cause he's a parent. It's his weekend, too. So, we'll go to the tour and then probably hit a few panels, go to the, em...

EMILY
What is this you have on your nametag -- "Zinf"? What is "Zinf"? Some kind of joke?

LORELAI
Oh, it's an old, traditional Yale word... thingy.

RICHARD
What is that word -- "Zinf"? Is it Hebrew?

EMILY
Why is it on your nametag?

LORELAI
You guys don't know? I thought you were all into Yale.

Christopher walks up.

CHRISTOPHER
Hello, Emily. Richard.

RICHARD
Christopher. Nice to see you.

They shake hands.

CHRISTOPHER
Hey Lor, professor Quincy's talk is about to start, and I know you probably don't...

LORELAI
don't want to miss a word. Yes, that's true. Well, we've got to go. You enjoy your evening. Astrophysics waits for no man.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, LECTURE HALL - DAY

The lecture is underway.

PROFESSOR QUINCY
When supernovae explode, they emit an energy that is 4 billion times greater than the sun. So powerful are these explosions that even though they're occurring halfway across the observable universe, some 7 billion light-years away...

Chris is trying to listen.

LORELAI
My parents have got a lot of nerve, you know? That's one thing they've got, is nerve. They should put it to good use -- start a knife-throwing contest or something.

CHRISTOPHER
Lor...

LORELAI
(sighs)
I mean, lunch? Please. They get dinner, and we get lunch? Lunch is such a booby prize.

PROFESSOR QUINCY
... We would be able to see that the expansion of the universe was slowing down.

LORELAI
I just can't believe Rory didn't tell us that they were coming. You know. Berate her. 

She text on her phone.

LORELAI
"Rory... you... little... rat."

PROFESSOR QUINCY
But we've learned that the expansion of the universe is not slowing down -- it's speeding up.

LORELAI
She says that she assumed that we knew they were coming. 

She texting again.

LORELAI
"When you assume, you make an..."

CHRISTOPHER
Shh!

PROFESSOR QUINCY
Something else is happening in the universe that is counteracting the powerful force of gravity, and that's what we call "dark energy."

LORELAI
Hey, you know what? We should have lunch at Chez Zinjustin. I hear they have a Creme Brulée to die for.

CHRISTOPHER
Sure. Sounds good.

LORELAI
Okay.

CHRISTOPHER
You can't make a phone call in here.

LORELAI
I want to make sure we get a reservation.

PROFESSOR QUINCY
... Back in the 1930s. So, it may be that Einstein was right all along. Turns out the guy was pretty smart. 

Laughter and applause.

PROFESSOR QUINCY
All right, are there any questions? Yes?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, how can we tell whether dark energy is the same thing as the cosmological constant?

Lorelai looks proud.

PROFESSOR QUINCY
Excellent question. More thorough measurement from observatories on the ground, from the Hubble space telescope...

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: DRAGONFLY INN, KITCHEN - DAY

Michel walks in.

SOOKIE
I was making Ratatouille anyway.

MICHEL
Excuse me?

SOOKIE
Perfectly good vegetables, and I was making Ratatouille anyway, and no sense in wasting them.

MICHEL
Did I miss something?

SOOKIE
Not like there's anything to feel guilty about. Jackson sells his vegetables all over town. I'm not just gonna throw these away.

MICHEL
Just because Lorelai is away does not mean that I'm obligated to listen to your incessant prattling.

SOOKIE
I mean, it would be wrong to waste vegetables. Wasting vegetables is wrong.

MICHEL
I will listen to you on one condition. Call me "captain."

SOOKIE
No.

MICHEL
Fine.

Michel starts to leave.

SOOKIE
Okay... captain.

Michel turns around.

MICHEL
Yes?

SOOKIE
The point is that Jackson's vegetables are top-of-the-line, first-rate. But they're his vegetables, you know, and these aren't. These have something different to offer, and I shouldn't feel guilty about--

MICHEL
You know what? It's not worth it. 

He leaves.

SOOKIE
(to other kitchen staff)
It's just Ratatouille, okay? Nothing to get all riled up about.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Luke walks in.

LUKE
Caesar, I'm back.

KIRK
Hey, Luke, you want to grab a cold one tonight, bird-dog some Chicas?

LUKE
What?

KIRK
As of 0700 this evening, I'm going to be a free man.

LUKE
You are?

KIRK
I am. Giving Lulu the old heave-ho, hitting the eject button.

LUKE
Kirk?

KIRK
I owe it all to you, buddy.

LUKE
Me?

KIRK
You inspired me. I look at you, and I think, "this guy's doing it right. Slave to no master." You come home at 3:00 in the morning -- no one cares. You want to eat dessert for dinner -- no one cares. You walk around in tube socks and tighty whities -- no one cares. No one cares what you do or where you go. 

Luke is not looking happy.

KIRK
So, what do you say, Luke? You want to be my wingman, goose to my maverick? 
(sings)
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips and there's no tenderness...

Luke puts his arm around kirks neck.

LUKE
Listen, you pinhead, you should be kissing the ground that Lulu walks on. Why that sweet girl lets you within a hundred miles of her is beyond me, but she does. You are the luckiest man on the planet to have a girl like that looking out for you and caring about you. And if you say so much as one unkind word to her, I will personally break every bone in your body. You got me?

Kirk is speechless, Luke takes the flyer out of his bag that Susan gave him and goes to the apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, NEWSROOM - DAY

PARIS
What did you end up putting on the front page?

SHEILA
Don't play dumb, Paris.

PARIS
My early-admission/early-actions piece. No kidding.

RORY
It was a good article.

PARIS
(to Sheila)
Huh, I'm hardly ever here anymore, I'm putting in minimal effort when I am here, and yet my article is still the front-page lead. It's almost too easy.

Lorelai and Chris quietly enter and stay back to listen.

RORY
It's not locked yet, Paris. Okay A.K., You're gonna take care of that Lacrosse caption?

A.K.
What was wrong with what I had?

RORY
Well you might want to save the metaphors and alliterations for poetry class and give me something short and snappy. And you might want to mention Lacrosse.

A.K.
You got it.

LORELAI
(to Chris)
I love how bossy she is.

CHRISTOPHER
Well, she is their boss. Yeah, I love that. She's like a dictator, only cute and nonviolent. And instead of a country, she has a newspaper.

A.K.
"Yale Lacrosse team sticks it to Ivy League rivals"?

RORY
Done. Okay, so, A.K. will take care of that. And good job, everybody. Layout is locked.

People dispurse.

PARIS
(to Sheila)
It's funny it's almost like I'd have to work harder not to get the front page.

Lorelai and Christopher walk up to Rory.

RORY
Oh, hi, parents.

LORELAI
You are the cutest fascist ever.

RORY
Hi, so, how was the morning?

LORELAI
Brunch was lovely, except of course for my parents skulking around, which no one warned me about. Hey I forgot I'm still mad at you.

RORY
Don't be mad at me.

LORELAI
Alright fine but only 'cause you're the cutest despot ever.

RORY
What else?

CHRISTOPHER
We had a few close brushes with a cappella.

LORELAI
Aw, that was a narrow escape. We were taking a shortcut on the way to the lecture hall, and we almost shortcutted our way into a group of guys singing "Zombie Jamboree."

RORY
You guys went to a lecture?

LORELAI
Yes, where I learned that the universe is expanding and that your dad is a big question-asking geek. Hey, we have come to take you to lunch at Chez Zinjustin.

RORY
Wow. Fancy.

CHRISTOPHER
Apparently, the Creme Brulée is to die for.

RORY
Since when do you say "to die for"?

LORELAI
Since he got addicted to "project runway."

CHRISTOPHER
Make it work.

RORY
So you guys should meet everybody. Mom and dad, this is Sheila, Bill, A.K., Raj, and Joni. 

They say "Hi" as a group.

RORY
This is Christopher and Lorelai.
(to Lorelai and Christopher)
And you know Paris, of course.

PARIS
Lorelai. It's been too long.

Paris kKisses her on both cheeks.

LORELAI
Hi. Oh. Wow. Okay. And you know Christopher.

PARIS
I believe we've met in passing. Good to see you, Chris.

CHRISTOPHER
Good to see you.

They shake hands.

RORY
We're just going to Chez Zinjustin for lunch.

BILL
You mean "chez fancy pants."

SHEILA
My dad took me, and my roommates there for dinner freshman year -- back when he still loved me. It's super nice.

RAJ
I hear they match your napkin to what you're wearing.

JONI
I hear they fold your napkin into an origami swan every time you leave the table.

RORY
I don't know about the napkins but I hear the Crme Brlée is to die for.

A.K.
I heard that to.

CHRISTOPHER
You know what? You should all come along.

BILL
Who, us?

CHRISTOPHER
Sure. Hey, let's bring the whole gang.

RORY
Oh, dad, you don't have to...

CHRISTOPHER
I want to it'll give me a chance to get to know all your friends.

RORY
People might have plans.

BILL
None.

PARIS
There's a shocker.

SHEILA
I'm starving.

LORELAI
Well, all right, then. Come on. Lunch on Rory's dad.

JONI
Thank you.

RAJ
All right.

BILL
Sweet. Cool.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: CHEZ ZINJUSTIN - DAY

Slow music plays, the “gang” is sitting at their table, Rory, Lorelai and Chris are together.

LORELAI
(to waiter, in French accent)
Ah, thank you. The wine is wonderful.

WAITER
(in British accent)
I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

LORELAI
(in normal voice)
Hey, this is a French restaurant. Shouldn't all the servers be French?

WAITER
Je ne suis pas français, mais je peux parler français, si vous préférez.

LORELAI
(in French accent)
Uh, where is the nearest subway station? Ha.

WAITER
(to Christopher)
Another bottle, sir?

CHRISTOPHER
Absolutely. Anyway, the chalet in Killington had this open floor plan, sort of the way Rory's apartment's laid out.

RAJ
I've never exactly seen Rory's apartment.

CHRISTOPHER
Oh yeah.

RAJ
We mostly just hang at the paper and -- mostly at the paper.

CHRISTOPHER
Anyway, I really want to rent a place at a ski resort this winter, maybe Killington or sugarloaf.

RAJ
That sounds great.

CHRISTOPHER
You know you should come -- totally. We'll get all of Rory's friends together for a long weekend, ski, hang out. It will be a blast.

RAJ
A ski trip sounds awesome.

SHEILA
Who's going skiing?

CHRISTOPHER
You are -- this winter. Everyone's invited.

SHEILA
Right on!

LORELAI
(to Rory)
You don't hang out with any of these people outside the paper, do you?

RORY
Not so much.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay. Who wants dessert?

BILL
I'd love a Crme Brlée. I've never had Crme Brlée.

RAJ
I could do with a cognac.

PARIS
I wouldn't say no to a Digestif.

JONI
Creme Brulée for me. And a cognac.

CHRISTOPHER
You know I think we'd like to get Crme Brlée and cognac all around.

LORELAI
(to Rory)
Sorry.

RORY
Why sorry?

LORELAI
Sorry if this lunch is weird.

RORY
No.

LORELAI
Rory...

RORY
Okay, this lunch is weird.

LORELAI
I feel like we're those lame-o parents of yore.

RORY
Dad is trying kind of hard.

LORELAI
Yeah, I think any minute, he's gonna start juggling plates.

RORY
And hanging spoons off his nose. Yeah, but it's sweet.

CHRISTOPHER
But seriously you guys whenever you guys get a 3-day weekend, you should totally come up.

RAJ
Can we rent skis there?

CHRISTOPHER
Sure, or I can lend you a pair. We'll have you jumping moguls down a black diamond, Raj.

RORY
I guess It's good that I experience a little bit of lame-o parenting. I mean after all It's part of the quintessential college experience, isn't it?

LORELAI
I guess.

RORY
And it's great that you got to meet the whole gang before our big ski vacation together. 

Cell phones start ringing.

RORY
Uh-oh.

LORELAI
"Uh-oh" good or "uh-oh" bad? I guess there isn't really an "uh-oh" good, is there?

RORY
Um listen up, guys. A bunch of students that were protesting the war took over president Stewart's office. It looks like we're gonna have to rework the whole edition.

RAJ
Why can't the news stop while we're eating?

SHEILA
I know it's so impolite.

JONI
I just got a text with a photo. Looks like they're wearing George Bush masks and... 

She turns the phone upside down.

JONI
Are those Condoleezza Rice masks?

PARIS
They make Condoleezza masks?

RORY
We've got to get on this everybody. Um so you guys, I'm sorry it looks like we have to...

LORELAI
It's okay go.

CHRISTOPHER
Duty calls.

Rory stands up.

RORY
Okay, Sheila, get Keith on the phone and see if you can get him down there. Actually get Samantha down there, too. I want so many photos of this thing I can make a flip book. Bill and A.K., Get back to the office so you can proof the stories. We're emailing it in. Everyone else, you're with me.

BILL
What about the Creme Brulée?

RAJ
And our cognac?

BILL
I have yet to taste the sweet nectar of Creme Brulée.

RORY
This is going to be our front page.

PARIS
Front page? Really? I think the front page is fine as it is.

RORY
Paris.

PARIS
Come on we all know these rabble-rousers are just looking for attention, why indulge them?

RORY
Let's go.

BILL
I want to go. I want to report this story. I just want to do it after I eat my Creme Brulée. I mean, what if tonight I get hit by lightning and die a Creme-Brulée virgin?

SHEILA
A Creme-Brulée virgin?

RORY
(mad)
You know what this is enough. This is a major political protest. It's a big story, and it's going to go on our front page. Now get your drunk, Creme-Brulée-craving asses out of these chairs, and let's get to work, okay? Besides the lead, I'm going to need some color -- what's going on behind the masks that kind a thing. Joni, you want to take a crack at that?

JONI
I'm a little tipsy.

RORY
Is there anyone who's not a little tipsy? Thanks for lunch, dad.

JONI
Thank you.

RAJ
Lunch was great.

SHEILA
Great meeting you.

CHRISTOPHER
See you later.

The kids leave. The waiters come up with 2 large trays.

LORELAI
(to Christopher)
Well, I hope you're hungry for some Crme Brlée.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - NIGHT

April and Lane are playing chess. Luke is getting ready to go out

APRIL
Are you sure you want to fianchetto that bishop so early?

LANE
I don't know it depends on what "fianchetto" means.

APRIL
It means I'm gonna kick your butt if you make that move.

LANE
Well you're kicking my butt anyway, so I don't see how one Fianchetto is gonna make much of a difference. Besides, it sounds fancy you make it like I know what I'm doing.

APRIL
You're not very good.

LUKE
April.

APRIL
Sorry. I can be blunt.

LANE
Tell it like it is, sister. Besides, later tonight, when we boggle, which is what I was told we'd be playing tonight, it is your butt that is going to be kicked, because I've been studying my 7-letter words that sound made-up but aren't. "Palfrey" -- p-a-l-f-r-e-y. It's a saddle horse for a woman.

APRIL
Impressive.

LUKE
Okay, so, coach Bennett and I are gonna go out and have some dinner together and talk, and then I'll be home. Shouldn't be more than a couple hours. Just a dinner and some talking.

APRIL
It would be weird if it was a dinner with no talking.

LUKE
Sure.

APRIL
And you should probably call her "Susan" tonight, instead of "Coach Bennett" -- I think she'd prefer that.

LUKE
Good tip.

LANE
We'll hang out until you get back.

LUKE
Okay so you got the number of the restaurant. I'm gonna have my cell phone on me, so if there are any problems, anything...

LANE
Thank you, Luke. Bye.

APRIL
Bye, dad.

LUKE
See you later.

Luke leaves.

APRIL
(to Lane)
You okay?

LANE
I'm fine. Okay, now, it's your move, darlin', unless you'd rather discuss zymurgy -- z-y-m-u-r-g-y -- the branch of applied chemistry dealing with fermentation.

APRIL
All right, all right. We can play boggle.

LANE
Yes!

CUT TO:

INT.  RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Luke and Susan enter.

HOSTESS
Hello. Two? Okay, right this way.

She leads them to a booth.

HOSTESS
There you go. Your waitress will be right with you.

SUSAN
Thank you. 

Luke is about to sit opposite Susan.

SUSAN
(to Luke)
Oh, no. Come sit with me.

LUKE
There?

SUSAN
Yeah. It's cozier.

LUKE
Oh. Okay.

SUSAN
I hate being so far away.

Luke sits next to her. Looks at the menu.

LUKE
Wow!

SUSAN
I know, right? It's my favorite restaurant. And you said you liked to eat healthy, so...

LUKE
Yeah. Huh. I've never eaten this healthy. So, "vegan" doesn't just mean "vegetarian."

SUSAN
No -- no animal products of any kind. No eggs, no milk, no cheese.

LUKE
Just soy everything.

SUSAN
Soy steak is scrumptious. I swear you totally can't tell the difference.

LUKE
Oh, I bet I can.

SUSAN
So, Luke, let me ask you a question.

LUKE
Okay.

SUSAN
Who would play you in the Luke Danes movie?

LUKE
Huh?

SUSAN
Alive or dead.

LUKE
Uh... I never really thought about that.

SUSAN
Take your time. Do you want to know mine?

LUKE
Sure.

SUSAN
(laughs)
Marlene Dietrich.

LUKE
Oh.

SUSAN
Right!

LUKE
I don't know who that is.

SUSAN
Sure you do.

LUKE
No, I don't.

SUSAN
Yes, you do. Think.

LUKE
I don't.

SUSAN
"Touch of Evil," um "The Lady is Willing," "Destry Rides Again." "Your husband would rather be cheated by me than married to you."

LUKE
Oh, yeah, sure.

SUSAN
My last boyfriend -- "the ex" -- he was always calling me "Marlene!" Oh, you know what? I think you might know him. Bob McCullough, Laura's father?

LUKE
No, I don't think I do.

SUSAN
We lived together for four months, and then he just went totally psycho. 
(shouts)
Psycho! 

Luke looks shocked and a little scared.

SUSAN
I swore I wasn't gonna date any more single dads after that, but here I am.

Luke chuckles nervously.

SUSAN
You hooked me.

LUKE
Hmm.

SUSAN
Well, you know what they say -- third time's a charm.

WAITRESS
Can I get anybody a drink?

LUKE
Yes, please.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAMPUS - NIGHT

Lorelai and Chris are walking.

LORELAI
I heard a bone crack, several bones cracking. Crack, crack, crack -- it was like fireworks.

CHRISTOPHER
Rugby is a violent sport.

LORELAI
I guess the fact that an ambulance was parked by the side of the field before the game even started should've been my first clue.

CHRISTOPHER
They don't park ambulances next to tetherball matches.

Her cell phone rings.

LORELAI
I can't believe we lost. It was so violent. I guess they were just violenter. 

Lorelai looks at text message.

LORELAI
Uh, it's Rory. They're at the paper. They're still working.

CHRISTOPHER
Man!

LORELAI
Half of them are drunk or hung over. Joni passed out.

CHRISTOPHER
Oh, jeez.

LORELAI
Looks like she's gonna be there all night.

CHRISTOPHER
Oh, that's not good news.

LORELAI
Well, silver lining -- that means she won't get to have dinner with my parents. We got the only meal. We won parents' weekend, and we didn't even break any bones.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah. Some meal.

LORELAI
What's wrong?

CHRISTOPHER
Nothing. I just -- I... I screwed up.

LORELAI
What do you mean, you screwed up?

CHRISTOPHER
It's my fault that Rory's got to work all night.

LORELAI
What do you mean? You staged the student protest? You wore a Condi mask and manacled yourself to the president's door?

CHRISTOPHER
The big meal, ordering all that wine. Her staff's a mess. It's my fault.

LORELAI
Honey, if those kids are gonna be journalists, they have to learn to write drunk.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm trying to be Superdad or something.

LORELAI
Why?

CHRISTOPHER
I don't know.

LORELAI
Does it have to do with the nametag-in-the-middle- of-the-chest thing?

CHRISTOPHER
At the brunch, all the other dads were talking about how they took their kids to hockey practice and violin lessons and helped them study for the S.A.T.S, and I just stood there like a jerk, nodding my head like I'd done all those things.

LORELAI
Oh, honey.

CHRISTOPHER
I didn't do any of those things.

LORELAI
Well first of all, Rory didn't need someone to check her homework. She was a self-starter. Second of all, she wasn't interested in hockey. And third of all, you don't have to try to be Superdad.

CHRISTOPHER
I feel like I should be.

LORELAI
No. You can just relax, you know? Be yourself. Be the dad that you are -- Clark Kent dad, Christopher Hayden dad.

CHRISTOPHER
I guess.

LORELAI
Totally.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAMPUS - NIGHT

CHRISTOPHER
It's just -- it's too late. I mean, I've g Gigi., And that's great, but Rory -- Rory's grown up. I missed it.

LORELAI
You didn't miss it.

CHRISTOPHER
She's a senior in college, Lor.

LORELAI
We have years of hard parenting ahead. She is due for a quarter-life crisis. All those years of stability do not bode well. We're gonna have plenty to do.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah?

LORELAI
Yeah. And the best part is... we get to deal with it together.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah?

LORELAI
Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER
Quarter-life crisis, huh?

LORELAI
I'm pretty sure she's gonna spin wildly out of control. We're gonna have to do an intervention, put her through rehab, give her a place to stay while she's divorcing the Hell's Angel...

They pass an a cappella group.

*Music: Bon Jovi "Living On A Prayer"*

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: DRAGONFLY INN, KITCHEN - NIGHT

FRED
Divine. The tomatoes are so fresh and meaty.

CARL
The eggplant is what puts it over the top. Perfect sweetness, your best ever.

SOOKIE
Well, I wouldn't say my best.

FRED
It is, a whole new level of flavor, like a vegetable symphony. What do you think, captain?

MICHEL
It's true. It even surpasses my mother's, and that woman made Ratatouille for a living. Well done, Sookie.

Michel leaves.

FRED
Brava, Maestra.

SOOKIE
It's just Ratatouille, okay? Now, go get back to work. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

They kitchen staff walk away. Jackson walks in

JACKSON
Hey.

SOOKIE
Hey!

JACKSON
You ready to go?

SOOKIE
Ready, Freddy!

JACKSON
Just dropped the kids off at the Bostics'. They made me take my shoes off again.

SOOKIE
They make everybody take off their shoes. I can't remember the last time I saw the Bostics in anything but socks.

JACKSON
But then they had the audacity to complain that my feet smell.

SOOKIE
They really complained?

JACKSON
Well they made sour faces when I wasn't looking and rolled their eyes.

SOOKIE
Oh, Jackson.

JACKSON
What do they expect? Of course my feet smell. I work in the fields all day. That's why I wear big thick boots, in order to contain the smell. I swear, the next time they come over to the house, I'm gonna ask them to take off their pants or something. It's outrageous!

SOOKIE
I'm sorry, honey.

JACKSON
Yeah, well...

SOOKIE
I know the Bostic's are a little nutso.

JACKSON
Very nutso. Who irons their couch?

SOOKIE
But Martha and Davy love going over there and playing with Kayla and Ryan, and when they come back, they're so polite and cordial for like an hour, which is nice.

JACKSON
That is a bonus, but still.

SOOKIE
I know. I'll get my purse.

Jackson goes over to the stove and tastes the Ratatouille.

SOOKIE
No!

JACKSON
What?

SOOKIE
Ooh! Bad batch! 

She grabs the food he was about to eat and throws it in the sink.

SOOKIE
Saving it for the horses.

JACKSON
But you never mess up your Ratatouille.

SOOKIE
Well everyone's allowed a mistake or two here and there. You know what? I'm just gonna -- just junk it.

JACKSON
Are you sure? It smells fantastic.

SOOKIE
I'm sure. Trust me -- it's awful. Hey, you know what I was thinking?
What do you think about a nice romantic dinner, huh?  How about Cicero's?

JACKSON
Wow. Cicero's.

SOOKIE
Yeah.

JACKSON
They have good Ratatouille.

SOOKIE
Mm-hmm.

JACKSON
Okay, so long as I can keep my shoes on.

SOOKIE
Unless Cicero's has suddenly gone Japanese, I think we're good.

They leave.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S - NIGHT

Luke pulls up in his truck and gets out, he spots Kirk with Lulu across the town square, they exchange looks. Luke is pleased.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - NIGHT

Luke enters, Lane is asleep and April is watching TV.

APRIL
(to Luke)
She was very well-behaved.

LUKE
Glad to hear it. Lane?

LANE
(sleepy)
Oh. Hey, Luke.

LUKE
I'm home.

APRIL
You zonked out about 20 minutes ago.

LANE
Well, I should probably do the rest of my zonking in my own apartment. Thank you for hanging out with me tonight, April.

APRIL
My pleasure.

LANE
See you tomorrow, Luke.

LUKE
See you tomorrow, Lane.

Lane leaves.

LUKE
(to April)
So, you guys had fun?

APRIL
Totally. Lane's awesome. How about you?

Lane sits down.

LUKE
It was nice, you know? We had vegan food.

APRIL
Ooh. You couldn't have liked that.

LUKE
I did not, but coach Bennett really seemed to enjoy it.

APRIL
So, you're still calling her "Coach Bennett"?

LUKE
Oh I think she'll just remain "Coach Bennett" to me.

APRIL
That's cool.

LUKE
Mmm. Hey, is that pizza still up for grabs?

APRIL
Go crazy.

LUKE
Oh. I'm starving. Real cheese.

APRIL
We also ordered sticky buns.

LUKE
Bring it on.

April sits next to Luke on the couch.

LUKE
Mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm!

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, NEWSROOM - NIGHT

RORY
No quote from president Stewart yet?

BILL
Nothing.

RORY
Have we picked the photo?

RAJ
Sheila's got some options for you.

A.K.
Layout's coming along.

RORY
Good. Okay. Keep it moving. We have a deadline here.

Telephone rings.

BILL
Ow! Who made this phone so loud?
(into phone)
Yale daily news. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Will do.

He hangs up.

BILL
We got ourselves a quote. Steve's e-mailing it in now.

RORY
Great. Okay, would you mind inputting these corrections?

BILL
Anything to get away from that phone.

Bill leaves. Christopher and Rory walk in.

CHRISTOPHER
Hey, gang.

RORY
Hey.

CHRISTOPHER
We come bearing doughnuts and coffee.

LORELAI
Gather 'round. The chocolate Eclairs are to die for.

RORY
Thanks, guys.

LORELAI
We figured you'd need some all-nighter supplies.

CHRISTOPHER
Hey. So, um, I'm sorry about getting your staff drunk.

RORY
Oh, don't worry about it.

CHRISTOPHER
You seemed pretty upset at the restaurant.

RORY
I was just stressed out. It's no big deal.

CHRISTOPHER
So, you're not mad?

RORY
No. But Dad, I think I would've liked it better if on parents' weekend, I could've just had lunch with my parents.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, that would've been better. Next year -- grad-school parents' weekend.

RORY
Um.

CHRISTOPHER
Hey, if it's okay with you, do you mind if we hang out and watch you in action?

RORY
Oh I don't think you can hang out, 'cause you're gonna be late.

LORELAI
Late for...

RORY
For your dinner reservations at Chez Zinjustin. I mean I told grandma and grandpa that I couldn't make it, but I think I accidentally told them you guys were free.

LORELAI
You're evil.

CHRISTOPHER
You were mad.

RORY
Isn't that a coincidence that they had a reservation there, too? Oh, don't eat that doughnut 'cause I hear they have a Creme Brulée that is...

LORELAI
Don't.

RORY
Come on get your lame-o-parent selves out the door. You don't want to be late. That'll tick them off.

LORELAI
Bye.

CHRISTOPHER
Bye.

RORY
Bye-bye.

>_END OF SHOW_<