The Annotated Guide to Gilmore girls

>_TEASER_<

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, FRONT YARD - NIGHT

Chris and Lorelai get out of the Volvo and walk up to the house.

LORELAI
Let me bottom-line it for you. Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery, and do you know where snakes do not belong?

CHRISTOPHER
On a plane?

LORELAI
They do not belong on a plane.

CHRISTOPHER
It's not an ideal situation.

LORELAI
They do not belong anywhere except in cages stuck in safes buried deep, deep underground. I hate snakes!

CHRISTOPHER
So I'm gathering. With their gross, no-legged bodies, and their scaly, scaly skin, and their wiggling, and their hissing.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay Lor I respect your very valid feelings about snakes.

LORELAI
Thank you.

CHRISTOPHER
But I have to say we were fairly warned.

They walk up on:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

LORELAI
No! No! A movie should not just be its title. "Driving Miss Daisy" didn't all take place in the car, "Dances With Wolves" wasn't one long wolf dance. But this was nothing but snakes, snakes, relentless snakes, snakes on a plane. Snakes, snakes, snakes on a plane!

CHRISTOPHER
This was our fifth bad movie in a row. It's got to be some kind of a record.

LORELAI
We got to face facts - movies have gotten bad.

CHRISTOPHER
Unless it's our fault.

LORELAI
What? No, we didn't make the bad movies.

CHRISTOPHER
No, we made the movies bad. Think about it we are the common factor.

LORELAI
Ohh.

CHRISTOPHER
All the movies -- very different. Different genres -- different languages, even. We saw them in different theaters at different times. What do they all have in common?

LORELAI
They were all seen by us. Wow!

CHRISTOPHER
Huh?

LORELAI
We can never see "Casablanca" together. I mean I'm very sorry. I don't care how much I love it, but I will not be responsible for ruining "Casablanca."

Both chuckling.

CHRISTOPHER
So...

LORELAI
So... we should divvy up the candy.

CHRISTOPHER
Divvy...

LORELAI
The candy.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah.

LORELAI
Got half the milk duds. Sour patch kids -- hmm, a third. Twizzlers -- you got about 5 -- 4 3/4 -- you pick.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, I'll take the Twizzlers.

LORELAI
No, I meant besides the Twizzlers.

CHRISTOPHER
I tell you what -- you can have it all.

LORELAI
Such a gentleman.

They Kiss.

LORELAI
We should...

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, I should, uh...

LORELAI
I should...

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

LORELAI
Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

CHRISTOPHER
Good night, Lor.

LORELAI
Good night, Chris.

Christopher leaves.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai comes inside.

LORELAI
Hi.

RORY
Well, well, someone is cutting it pretty close to curfew. Did you guys have a good time?

LORELAI
Yeah, really good. Ooh, is it weird that he didn't come in?

RORY
Weird for me?

LORELAI
Yeah.

RORY
Oh, I saw the guy two days ago. I'm sick of him. Is it weird for you?

LORELAI
No. No.

RORY
He could come in if you wanted him to. I could make myself scarce.

LORELAI
Oh, no, you wouldn't have to make yourself scarce.

RORY
Oh then I could be un-scarce. I could be here in all my plentiful gLory. That's more normal. God I forget what the protocol is when your mom is dating your dad.

LORELAI
Yeah, me too. We'll have to consult Emily Post again.

RORY
Yeah. But I really don't think it would be weird.

LORELAI
It wouldn't?

RORY
No. I mean, if it was, it wouldn't be weird in a bad way. If that's what you want.

LORELAI
Okay.

RORY
Is that what you want?

LORELAI
I don't know. No. Not now. Maybe... I want it. I don't know. Twizzler?

RORY
Okay.

LORELAI
Okay.

They both sit on the couch, facing each other.

LORELAI
It's good, though. You know? He and I, between us -- it's -- it's going good.

RORY
Well, good.

Lorelai hands Rory a twizzler.

LORELAI
Yeah.

RORY
When I had lunch with him the other day, he said things were really go.

LORELAI
He did?

RORY
Mm-hmm.

LORELAI
What'd he say?

RORY
Um, nice things.

LORELAI
Oh, yeah?

RORY
Yep.

LORELAI
Like what?

RORY
Nice things.

LORELAI
Did he talk about my sparkling eyes and my glossy, raven hair?

RORY
Look I'm not gonna pass notes between you guys.

LORELAI
What if Emily Post says that's part of the appropriate protocol?

RORY
If you can get it in writing from the ghost of Emily Post, then I will pass as many notes as you want. But, mom...

LORELAI
Yeah?

RORY
I'm really glad things are good between you.

LORELAI
Me too.

RORY
I'm just...

LORELAI
Yeah?

RORY
I just want you to be careful.

LORELAI
Is this the safe-sex talk? Because even if the ghost of Emily Post says it's okay, it is just plain weird.

RORY
No. Mom, I want you to be careful with you, with him. I just don't want to see you get hurt again.

LORELAI
I am. I am being careful.

RORY
Okay. Good.

LORELAI
Oh, my gosh. Am I coming with you to college?

RORY
Excuse me?

LORELAI
You totally want me to come to Yale with you, don't you?

RORY
What? No.

LORELAI
Then why are you packing all of my clothes -- my pink t-shirt?!

RORY
Where'd that come from?

Lorelai starts pulling cloths out of a bag.

LORELAI
Oh, my goodness. That is so nice of you to think of me in school -- my sweet skirt! I hope you brought a toothbrush 'cause, boy, oh, boy, are we gonna have fun! My cozy sweater...

>_END OF TEASER_<

===

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Luke is behind the counter. Kirk is sitting at the counter.

LUKE
(to customer)
Okay, two eggs over-easy, hash browns cooked well, whole-wheat toast buttered, and with a side of marmalade.

Kirk sighs loudly.

CUSTOMER
Thank you.

LUKE
You're welcome.
(to Kirk)
All right, what can I get you?

Kirk sighs loudly.

LUKE
Kirk, you're scaring away the customers.

Kirk sighs loudly.

LUKE
I am not gonna ask you what's wrong. Either eat or go.

KIRK
Women troubles, Luke. Haven't slept in days. See the bags under my eyes? See the glazed look? Women.

LUKE
See this glazed look? Don't care.

KIRK
Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense. I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other, but I figured it was a friendly competition I could work to my advantage, you know? When you've got two women making you cherry cobbler, you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler.

LUKE
Basic capitalism.

KIRK
That's not how they see it. Oh, no. Apparently, it's mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler. I've got to choose.

LUKE
Are you gonna order something?

KIRK
I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get? Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel.

LUKE
Hip?

KIRK
But mom would say a growing boy needs something more substantial, like pancakes.

LUKE
Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want?

KIRK
I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes... it's like their voices are blocking out my voice, and I don't know what I think anymore. I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess.

LUKE
Yeah, what kind of bagel?

KIRK
Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know, 'cause of all the kissing... And mom would freak over the poppy seed 'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug.

LUKE
What about...

Waiter hands Luke a plate.

LUKE
...egg? Egg, it is.

Anna comes into the diner.

ANNA
Hey.

LUKE
Hey. I didn't expect you till later.

ANNA
I know, but I wanted to go over April's schedule before I brought her by.

LUKE
Okay.

ANNA
Is this a good time?

LUKE
Sure, let's sit.

ANNA
Great. 

They sit at a table.

ANNA
So, this is her schedule. I think I erred on the side of too many details.

LUKE
I like details.

ANNA
These are some of the phone numbers you might need -- pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist -- if her retainer breaks -- optometrist...

LUKE
If her glasses break.

ANNA
So, my mom has her back surgery on Monday, but, apparently, the recovery process is really slow, so I'm gonna be in New Mexico for at least two weeks.

LUKE
It's fine. April can stay with me as long as you need her to.

ANNA
Thanks. I really appreciate this.

Luke smiles back.

LUKE
All right, so what's this packet?

ANNA
Registration forms, some waivers -- April will need to have this when she goes to school tomorrow. And she will tell you she needs to be there at 7:30, but she really doesn't need to be there until 8:00. Anyway, it's all in the notes.

LUKE
Don't worry.

ANNA
I'm not worried. Okay, maybe a little. It'll be fine?

LUKE
It will be fine. I promise.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: DRAGONFLY INN, KITCHEN - DAY

The whole kitchen is full of produce. Lorelai walks in.

LORELAI
Wow! Today's secret ingredient is gourds!

SOOKIE
Aren't they beautiful?

LORELAI
I guess that depends on the beholder's eye.

SOOKIE
Jackson's whole squash crop went crazy this year. We had such a hot summer, and these babies love the sun. You've got to try this soup.

LORELAI
Wait, is that gourd soup?

SOOKIE
It's so good. It's sweet and rich. It's like pie, only it's soup. It's like pie soup!

LORELAI
Na, I don't eat orange food, except for candy corn.

SOOKIE
You eat Cheetos.
s
LORELAI
I don't eat food that's naturally orange.

SOOKIE
You eat oranges.

LORELAI
Okay I eat food that's naturally orange, but I don't eat gourds.

SOOKIE
Fine.

LORELAI
What else is going on at home?

SOOKIE
Ooh!
(gasps)
Martha is so close to walking. She's right on the verge. Why don't you come over tomorrow night for dinner? Maybe you'll see the inaugural steps.

LORELAI
Um, I'd love to, but...

SOOKIE
But you want to wait to see if Christopher calls and asks you out first, and then if he doesn't, you'll come over.

LORELAI
Something like that, yes.

SOOKIE
You two have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately.

LORELAI
Yeah, we're just dating.

SOOKIE
Right, 'cause you can just date the father of your child.

LORELAI
Turns out you can. It's been a fun six weeks. We're taking things slowly and just getting to know each other again.

SOOKIE
Except for the fact that you've known each other for more than 30 years.

LORELAI
(imitates Sookie)
Okay, I get it. Please get off my back, and stop talking like this.

SOOKIE
Okay, it's just that you and Luke haven't been broken up all that long.

LORELAI
I know. I remember. I was there.

SOOKIE
Okay. It's -- you know, after breaking up out of a big relationship it's normal to have a rebound thing. You know, a big, bouncy, rubber ball of a rebound thing. It's... good.

LORELAI
But?

SOOKIE
But a rubber ball is a 28-year-old surfer or a jazz saxophonist who drives a VW Bus or a really cute guy that can't even spell his last name. It's not the father of your only child. Christopher is not your rubber ball.

LORELAI
Okay.

SOOKIE
He's a big, heavy bowling ball.

LORELAI
I'm gonna tell him you said that.

SOOKIE
I just want you to be careful.

LORELAI
Okay god, I feel like I should set up traffic cones around me for all the people worrying about my safety. I am being careful, okay? 

Her cell phone rings.

SOOKIE
That's all I want.

LORELAI
All right.

SOOKIE
Great.

LORELAI
Fine.

SOOKIE
Good.

LORELAI
Good.

SOOKIE
Better.

Lorelai answers her phone.

LORELAI
(into)
Hi, Chris.

EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

CHRISTOPHER
(into phone)
Lore what's your life looking like tomorrow night? You available?

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LORELAI
Well I don't know, is there some particular reason you're checking my availability?

Sookie bangs a pot.

SOOKIE
(to Lorelai)
Sorry.

CHRISTOPHER
Well, I have an idea for a really fun date, and if, in fact, you are available, I will put thought into action.

LORELAI
I thought our last date was pretty fun.

CHRISTOPHER
Well, this will be even more fun.

LORELAI
"Snakes on a boat"?!

CHRISTOPHER
I'll pick you up at 6:00.

LORELAI
Okay, I'll be there at 6:00 to be picked up.

Sookie bangs a knife.

SOOKIE
(to Lorelai)
Sorry. These gourd rinds are really thick.

LORELAI
What is the, uh, fun date?

CHRISTOPHER
No hints.

LORELAI
I hate not knowing things.

CHRISTOPHER
I know. I'll see you tomorrow.

LORELAI
Okay. Bye.

Lorelai hangs up.

INt. STARS HOLLOW: DRAGONFLY INN, KITCHEN - DAY

SOOKIE
(singing voice)
Sounds like somebody's got a date.

LORELAI
(imitating Sookie)
Sookie.

SOOKIE
Sorry.
(deep voice)
Sounds like somebody's got a date.

LORELAI
Nice.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

Rory is unpacking, and gets the Rocket out and places it on a table. She looks at a clock, gets out her phone and calls Logan.

LOGAN
(on voicemail)
Hey, this is Logan Huntzberger. Leave a message.

RORY
(into phone)
Hey, it's me. I just got back to Yale. I thought I would try you and see if you're there, but you're not. I thought you would be, but you're not. Fascinating, my thought process, isn't it? Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

She hangs up then the cell phone rings.

RORY
(into phone)
Hey!

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, BEDROOM - DAY

Richard is on the phone. Emily is in the back going through a rack of clothes.

RICHARD
(into phone)
Well, hello, Rory. You sound chipper.

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

RORY
(into phone)
Oh, hi, grandpa.

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

RICHARD
(into phone)
You're back at Yale?

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

RORY
(into phone)
Yep. Back at Yale.

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

EMILY
(to Richard)
Tell her the good news, Richard!

RICHARD
(to Emily)
I'm coming to that.

EMILY
(to Richard)
It's very exciting!

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RORY
What's exciting?

RICHARD
Well, when I was at my Yale class reunion, I had a chance to meet one of my former classmates, Harold Laken. You know him as the dean of undergraduate education. Harold was also a fellow Whiffenpoof.

EMILY
(to Richard)
The news, Richard!

RICHARD
Yes, right well I-it seems there was a sudden vacancy in the economics department, and they need someone to teach a course this semester, and Harold immediately thought of me.

EMILY
Can you believe it? Your grandfather, a professor!

RICHARD
I'm just a visiting lecturer.

Emily looks at a jacket.

EMILY
Too starchy. Too starchy?

RICHARD
No, I like -- I like --

EMILY
Too starchy.

RICHARD
What I want to know is whether you'd be okay with this. I'm gonna be on the campus at the same time you are, and there's a chance we might run into one another.

RORY
I promise, you will not cramp my style.

RICHARD
Well, that's wonderful, because I have to admit, I'm really quite excited about it.

RORY
That's great, grandpa. Congratulations. Well, why don't we meet up after your first class and grab dinner and celebrate?

RICHARD
Oh, I would love that, but I've already scheduled dinner with Harold.

EMILY
(to Richard)
But, Richard, we have dinner with the Sudburys on Thursday. Remember? We're going to the hill house.

RICHARD
Well, I'm sorry, Emily, but I have dinner with the dean, and you can't expect me to include the Sudburys in that. They are insufferable bores.

EMILY
No, of course not. I'll just have to have dinner with the Sudburys alone. Oh, the life of a faculty widow!

RICHARD
Did you hear that, Rory? She's already turned on me.

RORY
I heard it, grandpa.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

LUKE
(reads)
Razor blades? They've expressly forbidden razor blades?

KIRK
That's sound policy.

LUKE
Are kids at this school showing up with razor blades? I mean listen to this list of stuff they've had to ban. Drug use, bullying, graffiti, theft, spitting, fighting - including but not limited to punching, kicking, gouging, and biting. Seems to me like they're just giving the kids ideas. "Gee, I can't think of any other bad things to do today. Let me look at the manual. Hey, gouging sounds fun!"

MISS PATTY
No one at that school is gouging anyone.

LUKE
Well, sure. Why bother with that when they've got access to guns, tasers, knives, and nunchakus?

KIRK
Nunchakus are cool -- and deadly.

CAESAR
That's ridiculous. Nobody's bringing Nunchakus to April's school.

MISS PATTY
Of course not.

CAESAR
They're way too bulky to fit in your sock. Now, mace, on the other hand...

LUKE
Mace! kids are walking around with mace?

MISS PATTY
Oh, honey, calm down. Nothing's gonna happen to April. They just spell out that stuff for their legal protection. Whenever you're taking care of kids, that's a lotta liability. It's the same with my dance school.

LUKE
And nothing bad ever happens?

MISS PATTY
Nothing ever happens. Oh, except for that one time.

LUKE
What one time?

MISS PATTY
Well, I took my senior ballerinas to try out for a performance of "The Nutcracker," and one of the girls pulled a Tonya Harding and knocked the front-runner for Clara out of the competition. Broke her leg in three places.

LUKE
That is not nothing. That is the opposite of nothing.

MISS PATTY
It's totally different. That was a much rougher crowd.

LUKE
Rougher crowd? They're ballerinas.

MISS PATTY
Oh, yeah. I know. Everyone thinks, "ballerinas -- so sweet, so fragile." Trust me, they're dancing on stress fractures and ingrown toenails, and they haven't eaten in weeks.

April and Anna walk in.

APRIL
Hey.

ANNA
Sorry we're late. We were half way here and April remembered the avocado pit was still in the kitchen, so we had to go back.

APRIL
We had to make to make a pit stop.

Luke laughs.

MISS PATTY
Hey, honey.

APRIL
Hi!

LUKE
You remember Miss Patty.

APRIL
Sure!

LUKE
And Kirk.

KIRK
Yo.

LUKE
And Caesar.

CAESAR
Hey April.

ANNA
Look I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.

LUKE
That's fine. You go.

Anna and April hug.

APRIL
Bye, mom.

ANNA
Ooh, I love you, sweetie.

APRIL
Say hi to grandma.

ANNA
I will. I'll call you when I get there.
(to Luke)
Take care of her.

LUKE
I will.

ANNA
Okay, then. Bye.

Anna leaves.

APRIL
So, is there somewhere I can put the pit down?

LUKE
Oh, you know what? Go on upstairs, and I'll bring the bags.

Anna walks upstairs. Miss Patty watches her go.

MISS PATTY
Look at that turnout. And the hips of Anna Pavlova.
(to Luke, in Russian accent)
You must bring her to my ballet class.

LUKE
Where ballerinas are maiming each other to be in "The Nutcracker"? Fat chance of that.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - DAY

Luke and April enter the apartment. Luke shows her around.

LUKE
Okay, here we are. You remember the place. All right. Here's your bed, and a here's the desk. I thought you could do your homework on it. A little chair for reading. I know how you like reading. And this is your dresser. Now, if you have a hanging bag for, like, dresses, you can just hang it in my closet, but I don't seem to remember you wearing a lot of dresses.

APRIL
Not big on dresses.

LUKE
All right, what else? Here's your kitchen, my bed, bathroom's back there, and the TV. I had a remote but I lost it, so you're gonna have to change the channel by hand by turning this knob here. And here's the telephone. If you're on it and you hear a beeping sound, that's call-waiting, so you've got to hit the flash button to switch over to the other call.

APRIL
Maybe I should write all this down.

LUKE
Oh, sure! Sure!

APRIL
I was just kidding. I know how call-waiting works.

LUKE
(chuckles)
Oh, of course you do. You probably also know how to open up a refrigerator and turn on a sink. Okay, well, uh, I'll get out of your way, and you let me know if you need anything.

APRIL
Actually, my avocado pit needs light, and it's kind of dark in here.

LUKE
Well, there will be a little more light in the morning.

APRIL
Will there be less brown in the morning?

LUKE
You know, this place is kind of depressing, isn't it?

APRIL
(laughs)
I'd say. Sorry if that hurt your feelings. Mom says bluntness isn't my most attractive quality.

LUKE
Well, maybe we can pick up a few things. I don't know, some pillows, a rug. You know, lamps -- lamps brighten.

APRIL
Hey, we could go to "Targét."

LUKE
Oh, sounds kind of fancy.

APRIL
No. No, that's just how we say "Target."

LUKE
Oh, never been.

APRIL
(laughs)
Wow. Um... I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't been to Target.

LUKE
Well, now you have, so if you say that's the place to go, so that's where we'll go.

APRIL
It's the place to go.

LUKE
Okay, so how about tomorrow, after I close up?

APRIL
Cool.

LUKE
Cool! Alright I'll let you get settled in.

APRIL
Okay.

LUKE
All right.

April puts the avocado pit experiment near a window, as Luke leaves, looking very proud.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, NEWSROOM - DAY

Rory walks in.

RORY
Everyone, congratulations. The first issue of the year is officially locked down. 

Light cheering.

RORY
And special kudos to bill for landing the front page with his campus housing exposé, "Dormitory or death trap?"

SHEILA
Nice alliteration.

BILL
Slugline's half the battle.

PARIS
Dormitory renovations -- that's quaint. I recently had the opportunity to be a fly on the wall at the Hartford Courant as the editor selected their lead story. It was down to the wire, and I was on the edge of my seat when right at the last second, a local-corruption story broke. It was thrilling. It made this place look like a joke.

RORY
Your point, Paris?

PARIS
Oh, I thought I was clear. Compared to The Courant, this place is a joke.

RORY
Okay. Assignments. Bill, you'll go with part two of the campus-housing series.

BILL
Got it.

RORY
We need someone to cover the board of trustees meeting.

JONI
I'm on that.

RORY
Thanks, Joni. And I want to do the traditional freshman class composition article, but I think we need to go deeper than just ethnicities and hometowns. I mean, what is the class of 2010 really about? Maybe take a different look.

PARIS
At The Courant, they use Indesign to integrate the words into the photos.

SHEILA
Gee, do you happen to have an "in" at the courant?

JONI
Like, maybe your boyfriend, Doyle? What is he, a fact-checker?

PARIS
The most requested fact-checker at the paper. He works seven days a week just to keep up with the demand for his fact-checking.

SHEILA
Maybe he's looking to get away from a certain lunatic.

PARIS
Jealous much, Sheila?

SHEILA
Yeah. You got me.

A.K.
So, the art-show piece. I've got a problem.

RORY
Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

A.K.
I kind of had a thing with one of the artists in the show.

RORY
Okay. Animal.

A.K.
I just can't do it.

RORY
That's fine. I can do it. That's it. Class dismissed.

Everyone dispurses.

RORY
(to Paris)
So, you want to go to this art-show thing with me tonight?

PARIS
Sorry can't, Doyle's celebrating his one-month anniversary with the paper. Having drinks with the staff bigwigs over at Duffy's.

RORY
Cool.

PARIS
Yeah. He's pretty loved. Actually, we both are. We're like the Ephron and Bernstein of the group. I think it's going to be quite a fete. Doyle says the editor of the metro section might even show.

RORY
That's cool. Well, I can just go by myself.

PARIS
You know if you're desperate, you could force one of these staffers to go. I used to do that all the time when I was editor. I dragged Bill everywhere. That is, until the time I picked him up to go to the groundbreaking for the new chemistry research building, and he was wearing a cable-knit sweater that had "date" written all over it. As if.

RORY
I'm not desperate.

PARIS
Look don't give me those Rory Gilmore puppy-dog eyes. Even if I am your best friend, I have to look out for my career first, then Doyle's, then you.

RORY
Go to your party, Paris. Be the couple whose divorce was so painful that it was memorialized in both literature and film. I'll be fine.

PARIS
Oh, yeah. Now it's just sad.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Lorelai comes down the stairs as the doorbell rings.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, FOYER - DAY

Lorelai opens the door. Christopher is outside in a leather jacket.

LORELAI
Huh! Um... kind of, uh, casual, seemingly routine dating clothes.

CHRISTOPHER
Was that intended as a compliment? 'Cause it didn't come out like one.

They kiss.

LORELAI
No, you look good. But how hard is it to look good when you know where you're going? Not that hard.

CHRISTOPHER
I could get some points.

LORELAI
I, on the other hand, had to come up with an outfit that could easily convert from totally formal to totally casual with just a few moves. Look, here I am, all ready for an elegant, New York night on the town, carriage ride through the park, dinner at Pastis, drinks at the Aalgonquin, but if I change my shoes and throw on a cardigan and add necklace number two, then I am ready for a concert at the new haven green, or I could use my cardigan to cover up the security camera in case the date turns into some sort of heist.

CHRISTOPHER
I'd prefer the sexy shoes to the sandals, but you should be comfortable.

LORELAI
Comfortable? "Comfortable" like we're gonna eat Moroccan and sit on the floor, or "comfortable" like we're gonna go up steps?

Lorelai starts jumping.

LORELAI
Steps? Steps? Steps? Are we going to the met?

They kiss again.

CHRISTOPHER
No hints.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, FRONT YARD - DAY

They come out of the house. There's a classic old red Mustang convertible on the lawn.

LORELAI
So, tell me now. Now! Tell me! 
(gaps)
Oh, hello, "bullet." Are you taking me on a car chase through the streets of San Francisco?

CHRISTOPHER
It's cool, right?

LORELAI
It's really cool.

CHRISTOPHER
You like it?

LORELAI
I love it. So is this the thing?

CHRISTOPHER
It's a thing.

LORELAI
But is this the special thing you planned? 'Cause if it is, I want to give it its due. If it's not, I want to have the proper level of enjoyment while still reserving myself for the actual special thing.

CHRISTOPHER
The car is part of the thing. It's not the whole thing.

LORELAI
Alright I don't want to peek too soon.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah that's never good.

Christopher opens the door for her.

LORELAI
Ooh, You're being a gentleman. Is that the special thing?

CHRISTOPHER
I always open your door.

LORELAI
Bucket seats -- is that the special thing? No? Take a good, long look at my hair now 'cause it's not gonna look like this for the rest of the night. 

Chris gets in and starts the car.

LORELAI
Rumbly engine -- is that the special thing?

CHRISTOPHER
Buckle your seatbelt.

LORELAI
Buckling my seatbelt -- is that the special thing?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, that's it. You're all buckled up. Date's over.

LORELAI
Oh.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - NIGHT

LUKE
Look at this -- 12-pack of socks for $6. 24 socks for 6 bucks. That's only 25 cents a sock.

APRIL
I knew you'd like it.

LUKE
Oh, this looks good.

APRIL
You picked it out.

LUKE
Well, you said tablecloth.

APRIL
That's true.

LUKE
What's the name of that blue again?

APRIL
Uh, cerulean. I'm really into cerulean.

LUKE
Yeah, I can see why.

APRIL
I used to be really into olive. Everything was olive, you know? It was my backpack, my pants, my sneakers. It was all olive. And then one day, I just -- I woke up, and I was like, "olive? I don't like olive. Not to wear, not to eat. Olive -- bleh."

LUKE
Well, you know what? I'm really glad we did it. We had fun, and the place looks great.

APRIL
And, you know, now, anytime you want, you can have a nice dinner on this table.

LUKE
That's true.

APRIL
You could put flowers in this vase and use it like a centerpiece.

LUKE
Uh-huh.

APRIL
You could dim the lights, light these candles.

LUKE
You know what, we can do it tonight if you want.

APRIL
Yeah. Or, you know, you could do it when you have a lady over.

LUKE
Oh?

APRIL
It'd be really nice. And she would be totally comfortable in here now.

LUKE
Right. Uh, you know what? Why don't we, uh, set up the desk lamp so you can get at your homework?

APRIL
Actually, they don't give homework on the first day of school. One teacher said he was gonna give us homework. He even wrote it on the board, but the homework was just, "cover your books." How lame is that?

LUKE
Very lame.

APRIL
I know.

LUKE
So I'll set it up so you can get to it tomorrow.

APRIL
Cool. Um, I'm gonna start covering my books. Can I grab some grocery bags?

LUKE
Yeah, go for it. It's under the sink.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Chris and Lorelai are driving.

LORELAI
You know, you can admit it if you're lost. I will not lose any respect for you.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm not lost. Well, then, are you planning to murder me? Because people will notice I'm gone. They'll look for me. Paul Anka saw me leave with you. He'll bark. He will bark, and he'll sell you down the river.
(barks)
Chris! Chris!

They pull up at:

EXT. OLD BARN - NIGHT

LORELAI
Good, finally asking for directions.

CHRISTOPHER
We're here.

LORELAI
Here, where? Are we at Woodstock? I think we're late.

CHRISTOPHER
Shh! Just give it a minute.

LORELAI
Oh, are we meditating? I think you need a word to repeat. I don't have a word.

CHRISTOPHER
Stop talking.

LORELAI
That's two words.

CHRISTOPHER
Shh.

LORELAI
Oh. "Shh." I like it. Shh... 

A projector starts up. A movie projected onto the barn.

LORELAI
Ooh! What the -- 

Thematic music plays, Lorelai is surprised. “Funny Face” starts playing.

LORELAI
I love this movie.

CHRISTOPHER
Check the glove compartment.

LORELAI
Oh, my god.

She pulls out candy.

CHRISTOPHER
Hold this.

He hands her drinks.

CHRISTOPHER
And... popcorn.

LORELAI
Oh, my god. You're unbelievable!

CHRISTOPHER
I thought it was time we saw a movie we wouldn't complain about.

LORELAI
I...

They watch the movie.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, RICHARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT

RICHARD
(inot phone)
Mm-hmm. But I have to tell you, Emily, it's a whole new world from the one we remember.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Emily is driving

EMILY
(into phone)
But the jacket was still appropriate?

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RICHARD
Oh, the jacket was fine. Although I must say, I felt wildly overdressed. Boys in undershirts and filthy baseball caps -- the girls wearing pajamas and flip-flops.

EMILY
Well, it's the style, Richard.

RICHARD
Well, it's most peculiar.

EMILY
And you were firm with them? That's one thing that never changes. Young people respond to discipline. After all, you don't want your course to be known as a "gut." That's an easy class. I learned that term at dinner with the Sudburys, who learned it from their grandson, Paul.

RICHARD
And how are the Sudburys? I hope you gave them my regards.

EMILY
Of course. And they sent you theirs and then proceeded to bore me with the details of every stunning vista they witnessed on their recent cruise to Alaska. If you ask me, they saw more of the baked Alaska than anything else.

RICHARD
(chuckles)
You poor thing. You have a disappointing evening, and I have to give you the bum's rush to make my dinner with Harold at the faculty club.

EMILY
That's all right. You enjoy yourself. I probably won't wait up, so I'll say good night now.

RICHARD
Good night, dear.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Police Siren chirp behind Emily.

EMILY
Oh, for Pete's sake! What now?

Emily pulls over. A police office walks up.

POLICE OFFICER
License and registration, please?

EMILY
Why do you need to see my license? I wasn't speeding.

POLICE OFFICER
You were on a cell phone, ma'am.

EMILY
I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office?

POLICE OFFICER
It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cell phone while operating a vehicle.

EMILY
Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car?

POLICE OFFICER
License and registration, ma'am.

EMILY
If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive, I can talk on a cell phone. Or is coffee illegal, too? Can I listen to the radio? Can I open the glove compartment? Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose. That would certainly cut down on accidents.

She hands him license and registration.

POLICE OFFICER
Ma'am, have you been drinking?

EMILY
What? No! This is outrageous. You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwiki mart, and you're standing there harassing me.

POLICE OFFICER
I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me.

EMILY
Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: ART SHOW - NIGHT

Rory is waling through looking at the art displays and making notes.

RORY
Excuse me. Do you know what the light bulbs are all about?

The lights come on and go out after a few seconds.

ELIJAH
Shock in your system.

RORY
Effective.

Rory moves on and comes to a water cooler.

LUCY
(to Rory)
What are you doing?

RORY
Um, me?

LUCY
(to Olivia)
She's touching your art.

OLIVIA
What are you doing? Are you actually drinking that water?

RORY
Oh, um, I didn't know it was art, I thought it was just a water cooler. There's no sign or anything.

OLIVIA
"Just a water cooler."

LUCY
That's her self-portrait. 

Rory looks worried.

LUCY
I'm kidding! It's just a water cooler. 

Both girls start giggling.

RORY
Oh. Okay.

LUCY
We were messing with you. She is an artist, though.

OLIVIA
I made the horse.

RORY
Oh, I really like that one.

OLIVIA
Well, thanks.

RORY
It looks really big. It looks bigger than the doorway.

OLIVIA
Yeah well, it turns out it is, as I found out like four hours before the show was gonna start. I had to detach the head, then reattach it when I got here. Does it look crooked?

RORY
Um, not to me.

OLIVIA
No, it does.

LUCY
Oh if it does look crooked, which it doesn't, I think it looks better than it did before -- more jaunty.

RORY
What's it made out of?

OLIVIA
Cans mostly. Tinfoil. A couple hubcaps. I do stuff with found objects. I mean if you could call it trash, but that'd be kind of negative.

LUCY
She once made this sculpture of an old lady out of plastic sandwich bags and milk cartons, which was so cool. She's awesome.

OLIVIA
Oh, shut up!

RORY
So you're Olivia Marquont?

OLIVIA
Impressive.

LUCY
What are you, a spy?

RORY
Actually, I'm here for the paper. I'm Rory.

OLIVIA
Oh, the press. So what do you think?

RORY
Honestly, I don't know. I like your piece, and I think I like the robot in the underpants.

OLIVIA
The robot is genius.

LUCY
Olivia thinks everything is genius.

OLIVIA
Only genius stuff.

LUCY
Okay so, you're on the paper? Oh, my god, we used to be totally obsessed with this girl who was on the paper -- Paris Geller.

RORY
Sure.

LUCY
You know Paris?

RORY
I know Paris.

LUCY
Okay, freshman year, we were in this moral-reasoning class with Paris, and she was the most intense person we'd ever met.

RORY
Um, she's pretty much like that all the time. I actually went to high school with Paris.

OLIVIA
Paris Geller is a genius, and I will go to the mat on that one.

LUCY
Okay you've got to let us show you around the rest of the show.

RORY
That's cool.

LUCY
Come on we'll help you with your article, give you the skinny on everyone.

OLIVIA
Did you see the light bulb thing?

RORY
Um, my retinas are still ringing.

LUCY
Our friend Joel did that. He just transferred from M.I.T. Dude's wicked smart. His work is always about technology.

OLIVIA
I think Joel's a genius, but I'll admit, I could be biased by the fact that he's a total fox.

RORY
Is that the guy in the '70s prom tuxedo?

LUCY
No, that's Elijah. He's doing a performance piece actually. He's been doing it since we were juniors. Who knows if it'll ever end? Okay, you've got to see our friend kasha's piece. It's called "girl without clothes," and it's far out.

CUT TO:

EXT. BARN - DAY

Movie is playing and there is music. The movie ends.

LORELAI
Ooh, it's so good! It's so chock-full of... words like "chock-full." And even if Audrey Hepburn was 20 and Fred Astaire was, like, 80...

CHRISTOPHER
He's still Fred Astaire.

LORELAI
I mean, he could really tap-dance. That was so nice, Chris. That was so romantic and fun and wonderful.

CHRISTOPHER
S'wonderful?

LORELAI
S'Marvelous.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm glad you liked it.

LORELAI
I did. I really liked it.

CHRISTOPHER
You know, the evening doesn't have to end here. Gigi's staying with my mom. We could go back to my place.

LORELAI
Oh. That's nice.

CHRISTOPHER
N-nice?

LORELAI
No, that's not what I meant. Um...

CHRISTOPHER
We don't have to.

LORELAI
No, I want to.

CHRISTOPHER
You do?

LORELAI
I do, but I don't know if...

CHRISTOPHER
... you want to.

LORELAI
... if I should.

CHRISTOPHER
Ok.

LORELAI
I mean, everything's good, you know? It's going really good.

CHRISTOPHER
It's really good.

LORELAI
Yeah, and I'm feeling good.

CHRISTOPHER
But?

LORELAI
I don't, uh... know if I trust you.

CHRISTOPHER
Really?

LORELAI
Not just you. Me too. I'm not sure if I trust us yet with this.

CHRISTOPHER
Oh.

LORELAI
It's scary.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm scared, too.

LORELAI
I just hoped maybe... we could stay here in this place for a little while longer.

CHRISTOPHER
Well, it's gonna snow eventually.

LORELAI
Right.

CHRISTOPHER
It's fine. We should wait. I can wait.

LORELAI
Are you sure?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah.

LORELAI
Thank you. All this is perfect.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

Lorelai's cell phone rings. 

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hello?
(pause)
This is she.

CHRISTOPHER
What?

LORELAI
(into phone)
Oh. Yes!

CHRISTOPHER
What is it? Who are you talking to?

LORELAI
(into phone)
Is she okay? What did she...
(pause)
Okay. Where are you? Uh-huh. I know where that is. Oh...
(pause)
I'll be right there. Thank you. Okay, bye-bye.

CHRISTOPHER
What?

LORELAI
We have to go. We have to pick up my mother... from jail.

CHRISTOPHER
(laughs)
Your mother's in jail?

LORELAI
Ooh, this night keeps getting better and better. Let's go.

They drive off.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - NIGHT

April is in bed reading.

LUKE
You brush your teeth?

APRIL
They're brushed.

LUKE
So, there's a clear path to the bathroom. Can I get you a night-light?

APRIL
(Chuckling) I'm 13.

LUKE
I'll take that as a "no." I thought you didn't have any homework.

APRIL
I don't. This is more for pleasure.

LUKE
Sure. Sure, a little light reading before bed.

APRIL
I love my biology teacher. She is so smart, and she's really pretty. She has this long, brown hair that she kind of just whooshes up into a clip. She has all these piercings, but it's just on one ear, and she likes to fish.

LUKE
No kidding? A pretty fisher/scientist woman.

APRIL
And I know she's single because last year her name was Mrs. Johnson, and this year it's Ms. Kaplan, so I was thinking, one day, I could conveniently forget my biology book, and you could bring it by for me, and then maybe you could...

LUKE
Have dinner at the candlestick table with Ms. Kaplan?

APRIL
Exactly.

Luke sits on the end of April's bed and sighs.

LUKE
Look, April... I guess you know Lorelai and I broke up.

APRIL
Yeah, my mom sort of told me.

LUKE
Okay, well, sometimes that happens, you know? Sometimes it doesn't work out between people, and it's nobody's fault.

APRIL
It's all about pheromones.

LUKE
Right. But I want you to know I'm okay, and you don't have to take care of me. I'm here to take care of you. Okay?

APRIL
Okay.

LUKE
Good night.

APRIL
Good night. Is it okay if I read a little more before I turn out the light?

LUKE
Real page-turner, huh?

APRIL
Oh, yeah. Mitosis is insane.

LUKE
Knock yourself out.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Lorelai is really happy and taking photos on her cell phone of the officers.

LORELAI
Oh... got it! Thank you!
(to Christopher)
Am I smiling too much?

CHRISTOPHER
You're smiling a lot.

LORELAI
All right, I'll try to bring it down a notch.

Emily is escorted out.

EMILY
Well, it's about time. Oh, good. I get to walk this filthy floor again. I don't need any help walking. Thank you! 

An officer hands Emily her stuff, and puts on her shoes.

EMILY
Oh, thank you for giving me things that already belong to me. Well, you can all be very proud of yourselves. You're doing a crack job. You finally got menace-to-society Emily Gilmore off the streets. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
(to Lorelai)
Come on.

She points to Lorelai's phone.

EMILY
(to Lorelai)
Put that thing away.

Emily leaves.  Lorelai takes a final photo of the officers.

LORELAI
One, two, three! Ah! 
(laughgs)
Smile! Cheese! Oh, I got you already. I'll get-- 

Chris drags her away.

LORELAI
Okay, later. Bye!

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

The top is still down, Chris and Lorelai are smiling and Emily is in the back not looking happy.

LORELAI
Do you mind if I turn on the music, mom?

EMILY
That's fine.

LORELAI
Whatcha in the mood for? "Jailhouse rock"? "Folsom prison blues"?

EMILY
(sarcastically)
You're very funny, Lorelai.

LORELAI
No, no, no. I know, I know. "Working on the chain gang.”

EMILY
Yes, it's all quite amusing, isn't it? My being arrested, held behind bars, manhandled, and patted down? Hardee-har.

LORELAI
Aw. I just have one question for you, mom. Why on earth did you call me? I mean, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for that incredible gift. You don't need to get me anything for the next five Christmases. But why did you call me, not dad?

EMILY
It was his first night teaching at Yale. He was having dinner with the dean. I'm not about to call him so he can excuse himself to come bail his wife out of jail. I can't begin to tell you how incompetent our police department is. That officer Peters who pulled me over -- he's going to be receiving a big, fat subpoena, and I'm not stopping there. 

She is just noticing the car she is in.

EMILY
Wait. What is this? What's this car? What's going on here? Are you two on a date?

LORELAI
No way. You are not changing the subject. We're not talking about anything else except you in the clink. Now, come on. Spill. What was it like on the inside, huh? Did you try to tunnel your way out with a spoon? You know. Did they try to make you join a gang? And, mom, now that you're on the outside and they're still on the inside, are they gonna try to use you as some kind of prison mule? I just... so much I need to know!

CUT TO:

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Lucy, Olivia and Rory walk out of the elevator.

LUCY
So, after my third callback, he says to me, "a girl can't play Oscar Wilde. I want people to take this production seriously," like he's Peter Brook or something.

LUCY
And not some goateed sophomore from Arkansas.

LUCY
So I give him my most foppish stare and say, "life is too important to be taken seriously."

RORY
Nice.

LUCY
But on the way out, as I'm making my dramatic exit, I walk right into the glass door, like smack.

RORY
No. Ouch!

They go into:

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

LUCY
So the next semester, he keeps hounding me about how I'd be perfect for his production of "California suite" because I have such a gift for physical comedy.

Lucy looks around.

LUCY
Holy crap! Your boyfriend is rich.

OLIVIA
And he's got some wild stuff. I mean, what's this about? 

She looks at the knight suit.

LUCY
Well, I must eat. I'm positively famished.

OLIVIA
Nice sound system. 

She starts to play music.

*Music: The Decemberists "The Perfect Crime 2"*

LUCY
Do you have popcorn?

RORY
Um, yeah, there should be some in there.

Lucy looks into a cabinet.

LUCY
You have a hell of a lot of rice in here, Rory. White rice, brown rice, long-stem rice. You are simply crazy for rice.

RORY
Who doesn't like rice?

LUCY
Look who found an air popper!

OLIVIA
Genius.

LUCY
Now we just need some popcorn. Or something else that could be cooked in here. Rice. Who's up for a late-night snack of air-popped rice?

Rory's cell phone rings.

RORY
Oh, wow, that must be my Logan call. I didn't realize it was so late already.

LUCY
Time flies when you're partying with artist.

RORY
(into phone)
Hey!

INT. LONDON: LOGAN'S OFFICE - DAY

LOGAN
(into phone)
Hey.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RORY
Hi.

LOGAN
What's going on? You having a party, Ace? Oh, no, I'm just hanging out with a few friends.

LOGAN
Just friends, huh?

RORY
Yeah.

LOGAN
Anybody I know or... ?

RORY
No. Just some girls I met.

OLIVIA
(yells)
Hi, Logan!

LUCY
(yells)
Hi, Logan!

LOGAN
Just girls, huh? Your new boyfriend's not over.

RORY
Nope. Just us girls hanging out in our underwear, throwing pillows at each other - you know girl stuff.

LOGAN
Sounds very wholesome and loud.

RORY
Yeah, we're...

LUCY
(to Rory)
Hey, Rory!

RORY
Um, hold on just a sec.
(to Lucy)
Yeah?

LUCY
This says it's popcorn, but it looks so fancy. Can I open it, or are you saving it for a special occasion or something?

RORY
(to Lucy)
Go ahead.
(into phone)
Hey, uh, sorry. Is it okay if I call you back later?

LOGAN
Sure, no problem. Have fun.

RORY
I will. Love you. Bye.

Rory hangs up.

INT. NEW HAVEN: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

LUCY
Is that too much popcorn?

RORY
Uh, yeah.

LUCY
I'm really hungry. 

Lucy continues filling the air popper and spilling it on the counter.

OLIVIA
Okay. Someone's got some explaining to do. 

Olivia holds up two snow shoes.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, FRONT YARD - NIGHT

Lorelai and Christopher walk to the house.

LORELAI
I mean they escorted her out in her stocking feet.

CHRISTOPHER
Her shoes in a bag.

LORELAI
Somewhere in my youth or childhood...

CHRISTOPHER
... you must have done something good.

LORELAI
The universe owed me this one.

CHRISTOPHER
I'm glad you had fun.

LORELAI
I did. Didn't you have fun?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, I did. It was great.

LORELAI
It was one of the "great" greats. What?

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

CHRISTOPHER
Nothing. I feel I may have gotten overshadowed a bit. I mean how's my little barn movie supposed to compare with your mom in jail?

LORELAI
Chris, no! It was just the cherry on top, the mint on the pillow of what was already a perfect night. No, I loved our date. It was amazing. I loved the movie. I'll never forget the movie I saw the night I picked my mother up from jail.

CHRISTOPHER
You're never gonna get tired of saying that, are you?

LORELAI
"Picked up my mom from jail"? No, I don't think I ever will. I'm just so glad you were with me tonight. I mean, anybody else who would have seen me laughing as I bailed my mother out of jail would have just thought I was completely deranged.

CHRISTOPHER
Well, I know you're deranged but for completely different reasons.

LORELAI
I mean, you just get it, and you make everything fun, and it's so nice to be with someone who understands you and makes you...

They kiss.

CHRISTOPHER
I'll call you tomorrow.

LORELAI
Gigi's with her grandmother?

CHRISTOPHER
She is.

LORELAI
You want to come in?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah?

LORELAI
Yeah.

They kiss again.

*Music: Audrey Hepburn & Fred Astaire "'S Wonderful"*

>_END OF SHOW_<