The Annotated Guide to Gilmore girls

>_TEASER_<

EXT. ROAD - DAY

Luke is driving, checking a map.

EXT. BOSTON: CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT - DAY

Luke pulls up to a building.

EXT. BOSTON: CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT, ELEVATOR - DAY

Luke goes in to an elevator.

EXT. BOSTON: CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - DAY

Luke comes out of the elevator, looking for an apartment. He knocks on the door. It opens and Christopher is standing there, Luke punches him in the face.

CHRISTOPHER
Ugh! Ugh!

Luke turns, gets back into the elevator and leaves.

>_END OF TEASER_<

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai is sitting at the table drinking coffee, she hears something gets up, sets some waffles cooking and pours a cut of coffee, then waits at Rory's bedroom door. Rory' comes out of her room.

LORELAI
Morning, Rory.

RORY
Please tell me you haven't been standing there all night.

LORELAI
I love you Rory.

RORY
Creepy.

Lorelai hands her the coffee.

RORY
Ooh, waffles?

Rory sits down.

LORELAI
I got up early this morning. I thought, "what better way to pass time than make some of my famous homemade waffles?"

RORY
I can't believe I forgot about your homemade waffles, seeing how famous they are.

LORELAI
Infamous, really.

RORY
So why'd you get up so early?

LORELAI
Mm, well, couldn't sleep. And, initially, I was at a loss. How would I pass the time until my one and only offspring, the fruit of my loins...

RORY
Too early.

LORELAI
... Loin fruit that she is, straggled out of bed to grace me with her presence? But then I asked myself, "W.W.T.B.F.C.D.?" And it came to me in a flash. "I'm gonna make waffles."

RORY
"What would the barefoot Contessa do?"

LORELAI
Exactly

RORY
Barefoot's one word.

LORELAI
Shut up, loin fruit. So, what? Are you just sleepy or has last night's "my boyfriend gave me a love rocket" elation worn off?

Lorelai sits down.

RORY
It may have worn off a little bit.

LORELAI
Why? What happened? The love rocket was making you swoon for Logan last night.

RORY
I'm still plenty swoony. I just realized that the rocket doesn't mean I should be packing my bags for London.

LORELAI
Why? What happened?

RORY
Nothing happened, I just called Logan and I was like, "yeah, yeah. "Oh, I love the love rocket, you know? And I can't wait to come see you." And he was like, "oh, yeah, me too. Um, I'm gonna buy you a ticket for December."

LORELAI
Oh, no. Did you tell him you want to visit him now?

RORY
There wasn't really a point you know because I get it. He is starting his first real job. I mean, he needs time to adjust and focus and learn the lay of the land. I mean It's good that he's trying to be a grown-up, you know. So now I'm trying to be a grown-up. So why am I gonna get all pouty because I don't get to do it?

LORELAI
Hmm. 

The toaster pops.

LORELAI
Well, that sounds like a real grown-up talking.

RORY
Thank you.

LORELAI
You know the one thing that grown-ups don't call themselves?

RORY
What?

LORELAI
Grown-ups. Huh they say "adults," and they pronounce it "ah-dults."

RORY
It stinks!

LORELAI
Oh, it really stinks.

RORY
Stupid London! If he weren't in London right now, we would be on our Asia trip. I mean, I knew that it might not happen, but I hoped it would, and I just kept planning and planning and planning. 

She gets up and goes to her room and bring back a pile of books and papers.

LORELAI
Wow. Were you planning on visiting Asia or invading it?

RORY
Look at all this wasted effort. All this highlighter ink? Wasted. All of these sticky notes? Wasted. We were going to see the terra-cotta soldiers in Xian. And we were going to go to Peking for the opera and the duck. I want to see Tibet. I want to snorkel off the An Thoi islands in Vietnam. I want to see the crazy teenage fashions in the Harajuku district of Tokyo.

LORELAI
Oh, wow.

RORY
Stupid London!

LORELAI
So, no Asia?

RORY
No Asia.

LORELAI
Well, I guess I got to go to stupid work. Here's one good piece of news. Lane called - she's back from her honeymoon.

RORY
Oh, yay!

LORELAI
She sounded kind of tired, which is good, I think. Tired after a honeymoon bodes well.

RORY
My married friend Lane and her married husband Zach. Nutso.

LORELAI
Hmm. Spoken like a true grown-up. 

Lorelai kisses Rory's head.

LORELAI
Say "hey" to her for me. It's nice to have you home.

RORY
Bye.

Lorelai leaves.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S - DAY

The crash site has been cleared, but the front facade of the diner is missing. Luke pulls up in his truck, it now has building supplies and tools in it, Luke starts unpacking things.

TJ
Morning, Luke. You need a hand with this?

LUKE
Thanks.

TJ
Sure thing. Just give me one second to savor this coffee. Ahh! So, how are you this lovely morning?

LUKE
Just fine.

TJ
Hey, I got a coffee for you, too.

LUKE
Thanks.

TJ
But then, as it became clear that you were most likely gonna be late, I didn't want it to get cold, so I drank it myself.

LUKE
I wasn't late.

TJ
Who said you were late?

LUKE
You did, one second ago.

TJ
Oh, no, I said you were mostly likely gonna be late, but it turns out you weren't. Who knew? Sounds like you need a little caffeine. What say you and I go over to the diner across the street and pick us up a nice cup of coffee?

LUKE
Forget it. I'm fine.

Luke stops.

LUKE
What diner across the street?

TJ
This place - Kirk's. Great place.

Luke turns around and see's a bunch of tables and chairs with Kirk serving customers. There's a big coffee cup-shaped sign that says: "Kirk's"

TJ
The owner's a real character and the coffee's fantastic. Come on, let me get you a cup, though maybe you ought to pay, seeing as I did pick us up the last round.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: KIRK'S DINER - DAY

Kirk's is set up in the lawn across the street from Luke's with tables and a cooking area, Kirk is dress in flannel and a red backward baseball cap.

KIRK
(to customers)
Eggs sunny side up with a side of bacon. And who's got the scrambled with hashbrowns? Here we go.

LUKE
(to Kirk)
What the hell is going on here?

KIRK
Welcome to Kirk's. I'll be right with you.

LUKE
What is this?

KIRK
It's a diner, Luke.

LUKE
A diner called Kirk's?

KIRK
It's the name my mother gave me. Top you off there, Jake?

LUKE
Why are you doing this?

LUKE
I just saw a need, and I filled it. Seamed to me Stars hollow was in want of a real neighborhood joint, a watering hole where the townsfolk could mingle, a place where a fella could come and get a piece of pie, a cup of Arbuckles', and a soupcon of small-town charm.

LUKE
Yeah, well, stars hollow has already got that place. It's right across the street. It's called Luke's. Luke's, ring any bells? Sounds a little like Kirk's doesn't it.

KIRK
Luke, if you are suggesting that you were the very first person to think of naming a restaurant after yourself, I think that Denny, Arby, and Tony Roma might have something to say about that, not to mention Mr. Chuck E. Cheese.

LUKE
Chuck E. Cheese? Chuck E. Cheese is not a person.

KIRK
Luke do you think a giant mouse opened a restaurant franchise by himself?

LUKE
Look at this - French toast, pancakes, buttermilk pancakes. You stole my menu.

KIRK
You did not invent pancakes, Luke. Anyway, I heard Luke's went out of business.

LUKE
Luke's did not go out of business, Luke's is closed for repairs. And you want to know why it's closed? Because some nincompoop yesterday drove his car through my diner!

KIRK
Would you care to step outside for a moment, Luke?

LUKE
Outside? Outside what? 

They walk to the side and past a “no cell phone's” sign.

KIRK
I think it would behoove you not to use slanderous language like nincompoop in my place of business, Luke, because, let me tell you, it is only out of the kindness of my heart that I am not suing the pants off of you.

LUKE
Uh-hu, you're gonna sue me after you crash a car into my diner and bust a giant hole in my wall?

KIRK
For all you know I could have brain damage.

LUKE
Oh, I'm pretty sure you do. You know what, Kirk? Go ahead. Sue me. Crash into my diner, make me lose a week's business, make me pay for the repairs, and then sue me for damages - for brain damages! That sounds fair!

They walk back to the tables.

KIRK
Luke, calm down. I get where you're coming from. I think we can work something out.

He hands Luke a piece of paper.

LUKE
What is this?

KIRK
A job application. The way business is picking up, I'm totally gonna need a fry guy. What it sounded like your finances were kind of tight. If you came expecting a handout, you came to the wrong guy. I'm of the "teach a man to fish" school, Luke. 

Luke crushes the paper into a ball and drops it on the ground. Luke walks off.

KIRK
U do not throw trash on the floor of a restaurant Luke. Not cool.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: DRAGONFLY INN, KITCHEN - DAY

Sookie is showing Lorelai howto make sushi.

SOOKIE
Okay, this is easy. Put in your snow crab. Put in your avocado. You put in your cucumber. You mash it together And then you just roll it up. Slice it up like this, and voil. Or whatever they say in Japan. Arigato.

LORELAI
Karate. It's those little coin shapes, just like in a Japanese restaurant. Arigato karate, babe.

SOOKIE
Yep. Okay. I'm gonna make one more California roll, and then we can make your meat-loaf sushi as promised.

LORELAI
Yay, do you want to put suntan lotion in there?

SOOKIE
Did you just say sun - oh! Of course. Calfo, California roll would have some suntan lotion in it.

LORELAI
You're such a pity laugher.

Lorelai tastes the food.

LORELAI
Mmm! Good.

SOOKIE
Good!

LORELAI
So good! It's the best non-meat-loaf sushi I've ever had.

SOOKIE
Ooh! What about fried-chicken sushi?

LORELAI
With some slaw in it. That would be so good. Or chinese-food sushi. Or PB&J Sushi.

SOOKIE
Or, hey, dessert sushi.

LORELAI
Oh, my god, that's genius. That is why you are the chef. That and because you're the one who can cook.
(pause)
So, um... hey, um... so I-I told him.

SOOKIE
Told who what? Telling him that?

LORELAI
Yeah.

SOOKIE
Are you saying you told Luke about Christopher?

LORELAI
Yes. What did you think I was talking about?

SOOKIE
I don't know. I'm hoping there's something that I forgot, like maybe you were debating on whether or not to tell Kirk the difference between antiperspirant and deodorant. You told Luke about Christopher?

LORELAI
Yes.

SOOKIE
I thought you weren't going to.

LORELAI
I wasn't.

SOOKIE
Oh, honey, why?

LORELAI
Because Luke showed up at my house this morning with the truck fully packed, ready to elope.

SOOKIE
Oh, god, he did?

LORELAI
And he wouldn't take no for an answer, and so I had to tell him. That's the only way he was gonna believe me because it had to be no.

SOOKIE
Did it have to be? I mean, did the answer have to be no?

LORELAI
No. I mean, I guess I could be married right now to someone who doesn't want to be married to me and doesn't know that I slept with someone two nights before we got married.

SOOKIE
Well, when you put it that way... must have been horrible.

LORELAI
It was one of the most horrible moments of my whole life.

SOOKIE
Are you okay?

LORELAI
No. 
(chuckles)
I mean, no, not at all. I'm so very not fine, but what am I gonna do, you know? I have to be fine.

SOOKIE
Oh, honey.

LORELAI
Yeah.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BAND APARTMENT - DAY

Zach comes out. Rory walks up to him.

RORY
Hey, Zach. So, the honeymoon's over. Is the honeymoon over?

ZACH
What?

RORY
How was Mexico?

ZACH
Full of parasites.

RORY
Oh, gee, that's no good.

ZACH
The whole trip was a total fiasco. It was the Stones at Altamont times a billion.

RORY
But you and Lane were so excited about it. From the way you talked, I was half worried you'd start a mariachi band.

ZACH
Mexico sucks. And we were psyched. That's part of why it sucked so bad. I thought I found this amazing deal online. Right. Pedro's paradise. It all sounded good. The website said it had ocean views, its own kitchen, and a Jacuzzi. And nobody loves Jacuzzis more than me. Nobody. And then we get there, and it turns out Pedro's paradise is just this room in this dude Pedro's crappy apartment.

RORY
No. His apartment?

ZACH
23 miles from the ocean, with a view of a billboard for Mexican nasal spray.

RORY
So the website lied.

ZACH
The kitchen we were promised - it smelled like Rice-a-Roni and was always full of Pedro's jerky friends listening to the devil's music, playing cards, and making snide remarks about us in code.

RORY
Pedro's friends talked in code?

ZACH
Well, Spanish, technically. Same difference. They knew I couldn't understand them. Pedro was evil, man.

RORY
Man.

ZACH
Anyway on the second day, I got some parasite, and I've been barfing Linda Blair style ever since. I'm getting better, but now it looks like Lane's got it.

RORY
Oh no.

ZACH
I'm heading over to Doose's right now to get some ginger ale and saltines, which by the way was all we ate in the way of Mexican food.

RORY
Oh, I'm sorry your trip was so sucky.

ZACH
Yeah, well, live and learn. Like, now I know not to drink the water in Mexico, which, by the way, somebody should really tell you. And I learned that I'm not morally against murder. I just wish I had the guts to do it.

RORY
Well, I'm glad you didn't kill Pedro. I mean, he's not worth it.

ZACH
Yeah, whatever.

Zach leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BAND APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Brian is playing a video game while wearing a sombrero. Rory comes in.

RORY
Hello.

BRIAN
Hola, Rory.

RORY
Hola.

Rory walks to Lane's bedroom.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BAND APARTMENT, LANE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Rory knock's on the door and enters.

RORY
Hey, sicko. Oh, welcome home. I heard Pedro's paradise wasn't so paradisey.

They hug.

LANE
Mexico sucked.

They sit down on the bed.

RORY
Oh. But guess who I heard it from - your husband. Can we not squeal about that?

LANE
I don't really want to squeal. If you feel like squealing, go right ahead.

RORY
Of course you don't feel like squealing. You're sick.

LANE
I actually feel okay right now. My aversion to squealing is more emotional than physical.

RORY
I'm sorry your honeymoon was such a bummer.

LANE
On, like, the fourth day, Zach got so paranoid that Pedro and his friends were talking lasciviously about me in code that he lunged at Pedro - leapt at him from behind the door. Luckily, Zach was so weak from parasites that he missed - just flopped to the kitchen floor like he was a pancake someone threw across the room.

Lane goes to the bathroom and gets some pills.

RORY
People throw pancakes?

LANE
I just stared at him lying on the floor and thought, "I just married that man."

RORY
And you didn't squeal for joy.

LANE
Nope. I went into the other room and stared at Pedro's poster of Spuds McKenzie hanging 20 and ate my 20th saltine of the day.

RORY
The whole trip sounds kind of rough.

Lane comes back into her room.

LANE
Oh, you have no idea. What I just told you are the highlights compared to the real stuff.

RORY
No. What?

LANE
We can't talk here. The walls have ears.

RORY
And giant sombreros.

LANE
And big mouths. Let's go for a walk.

RORY
No your not feeling well, you should take care of yourself.

LANE
I'm feeling all right right now, actually. Um besides I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and if I start to barf in public, you could just pretend we were partying too hard.

RORY
Which would do wonders for my rep. All right, Mrs. Van Gerbig, let's blow this popsicle stand.

They walk out.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S - DAY

Luke and TJ are working on the damage.

TJ
Okay. So tell me, what are we thinking about here?

LUKE
Well, the basic idea is to fix the giant hole.

TJ
Yeah, but how? I've been thinking about it. I know I got a couple ideas about a log-cabin thing. I think what might really be nice is a giant stained-glass window.

LUKE
Yeah, I don't think so.

TJ
Don't rule it out so quick. I can picture what you're picturing, like with all scary religious pictures. But it wouldn't have to be a bloody crucifixion. Or nothing it could just be an image of a happy animal. I don't know, a smiling penguin or... or perhaps a peaceful-looking giraffe.

LUKE
You think I should put up a stained-glass window of a peaceful-looking giraffe on the side of my diner?

TJ
I'm just spitballing. Nothing's written in stone.

LUKE
Oh, well, that's good.

TJ
How about diamond shapes?

LUKE
You know what, TJ? Why don't we get to work?

TJ
You're in a bit of a mood.

LUKE
I'm not in a mood, damn it.

TJ
Okay! I'm sorry I said anything. I won't say anything else.

LUKE
You know what, TJ, Forget it. I'm sorry. I really appreciate the help you're giving me. I know it was last-minute. Okay?

TJ
No problem, buddy. What are brother-in-laws for? Actually... I'm glad for an excuse to be out of the house. Because being pregnant makes liz incredibly horny.

LUKE
TJ!

TJ
Yeah, Luke?

LUKE
Can we not talk about my sister's sexuality?

TJ
Oh, yeah. Well, sure. I guess it's something about all those hormones racing around in there. You should totally knock Lorelai up, though.

LUKE
TJ!

TJ
What I'm not talking about your sister. I'm talking about your fiancée. I got a feeling pregnancy would make Lorelai particularly randy.

LUKE
TJ!

TJ
Just think how cool it would be if we raised our families together. You should get started now, though.

LUKE
Right.

TJ
So how many kids you guys want?

LUKE
You know what I think I'm gonna go get the primer.

TJ
Now?

LUKE
Yeah I'm just a... worried about the hardware store running out ‘cause you know, it's the primer season.

TJ
Good thinking.

LUKE
Yeah be right back.

TJ
See you in a bit.

Luke walks off.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: TOWN SQUARE - DAY

Rory and Lane walk into the gazebo and sit down.

LANE
So, now I know.

RORY
Know what?

LANE
That it's bad. It's terrible... Sex.

RORY
Oh. No. Sex was bad?

LANE
You can drop the act, Rory. It's okay. I've known the real deal about Santa Claus for years. Now I know about sex.

RORY
Lane...

LANE
You know what's funny? I really thought my mother was being an insane prude when she said that sex was horrible for women. But now I can see that, in fact, my mother was the only woman who wasn't willing to maintain this ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade.

RORY
What ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade?

LANE
That sex is normal. That sex is a wonderful part of life. That sex is sexy. I mean, can we just not admit it? Sex is not sexy. Sex is horrible.

RORY
Sex doesn't have to be horrible.

LANE
In a way, I'm impressed with the depth of the conspiracy. If you think about it, it says something about the potential power of women that the entire gender could collude in creating the "sex is sexy" myth.

RORY
So sex with Zach was bad?

LANE
Unbelievably bad.

RORY
Every time?

LANE
(chuckling)
Yeah, right. Every time.

RORY
You only did it once.

LANE
That's right, and I'm out.

RORY
Well, the first time can be weird. My first time definitely had its weird aspects, but it gets better. It gets good.

LANE
Um, sorry. I just don't believe you.

RORY
Um... okay. You have to walk me through what happened. I mean, not graphically, but help me out here.

LANE
Okay. So we decided that, for our first time, since it was such a big deal and everything, since we've been waiting and waiting and god, if I'd known what it was going to be like, I would have gladly kept waiting. But anyway we decided to re-create the scene in "From Here To Eternity."

RORY
Wow. Ambitious. Sex on the beach.

LANE
Anyway, the whole thing was a disaster. Because you know what movies don't tell you? That sand is basically dirt. It was dirty. It was cold. My hands were shaking. I'm trying to remember stuff from school about condoms and bananas. And then suddenly I realize, we got crabs, live ones that are scuttling all over us. Zach starts freaking out because, apparently, he's afraid of shellfish. And it's getting colder and dirtier. And at some point, this pervert with a snorkel mask appears out of nowhere. And I'm thinking, "we took three buses from Pedro's apartment for this."

RORY
Oh, Lane.

LANE
Yeah, just talking about it makes me feel sick and queasy.

RORY
Well, you are sick and queasy. You have a parasite. But, okay. Once you feel better, you should try sex again indoors in a bed.

LANE
I'm open to the idea of a sexless marriage. I mean it happens for some people, eventually. Why wait?

RORY
Try a bed first. Seriously. You would not believe what a comforter can do in this kind of situation.

LANE
Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Asia right now? How come you're not traipsing around Thailand with Logan?

RORY
Um, Logan's job started. He's far, far away in London.

LANE
You're lucky.

RORY
Yeah.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: STREET - DAY

Luke and Lorelai see each other across the street near the newsstand. Luke has paint cans and Lorelai has some shopping. They cross the street toward each other  then talk in the middle of the crosswalk.

LORELAI
(sighs)
Sorry.

LUKE
Oh. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

LORELAI
Are you fine, really? Because, I mean, you don't have to be fine. Because this is really weird and really hard and...
(chuckles)
I'm not exactly fine.

LUKE
You're not?

LORELAI
Of course not.

LUKE
Well, that's too bad because I am. I'm fine.

LORELAI
Well... okay.

LUKE
You know maybe you should punch Christopher's lights out. That seemed to do it for me.

LORELAI
What?

LUKE
Oh, so your boyfriend didn't tell you. Hu.

LORELAI
You punched Christopher?

LUKE
You two really need to work on your communication skills.

LORELAI
Oh, stop it.

LUKE
What.

LORELAI
Christopher is not my boyfriend.

LUKE
I don't care if he is. I mean, you know you can date whoever or whatever you want. I couldn't care less. I'm fine.

LORELAI
Okay, fine. Well, if you're so fine, the next time you get a hankering to punch someone else, don't, okay? If you need to take your anger out, on someone take it out on me. I'm the one you're mad at. I'm the one who deserves it.

LUKE
Look, you're the one who's still hung up here. I'm telling you, I'm over it. I mean, I guess it's just not as big a deal to me as it is to you.

LORELAI
Oh, it's not as big a deal?

LUKE
Yeah, so we're not getting married. It's okay by me. I mean you're the one who proposed in the first place.

Lorelai has a shocked look on her face. Luke walks off. A car honks at Lorelai standing in the middle of the street.

FADE TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S - DAY

Luke and TJ are painting.

LUKE
It looks good.

TJ
If you say so. It's no Sistine chapel.

LUKE
Well, that's true.

TJ
It's no Taj Mahal.

LUKE
No it is not the Taj Mahal. So, look, the window guy's coming by tomorrow, and he and I are gonna put it in, so... after this coat, you're free to go, okay? And thanks for the help. It really looks good.

TJ
You sure you don't want any?

LUKE
No, I'm sure.

TJ
You stop drinking beer?

LUKE
No.

TJ
It makes you bloated, but to me, it's worth it. I'm psyched Kirk's got a liquor license.

LUKE
Uh-huh.

TJ
How come you quit drinking beer?

LUKE
Whoever said I quit drinking beer?

TJ
You know what I like? Drinking beer outside. I don't know maybe it's 'cause I grew up watching my dad drink out behind the tool shed, and it's got this romantic image for me. But that's my thing.

LUKE
Your thing is drinking beer outside?

TJ
Beer outside is the greatest. Oh, except for at ice-skating rinks, of course.

LUKE
Of course.

TJ
Yeah, there's something about the way the Zamboni exhaust mixes with the beer that's really just out of this world. Speaking of which, guess what I just got - tickets to the Hockettes. You know the Hockettes, the ice-skating girls? They're amazing. They do everything the Rockettes do, only they do it with ice skates on.

LUKE
Oh, that's great, TJ

TJ
And guess how many tickets I got. Four. And who did I think might like to go with me and Liz? President and Mrs. Bush. 

Luke laughs.

TJ
Just kidding. You and Lorelai.

LUKE
Oh, I, gee. I don't... think we can make that.

TJ
Come on! When's the last time we all had a wild night out?

LUKE
Yeah, you know, I think I'm doing something that week.

TJ
Man, that sucks.

LUKE
Yeah.

TJ
Wait, which week?

LUKE
Uh, the week of the Rockettes.

TJ
Which is which week?

LUKE
The week they're here.

TJ
They're in town a whole month! And I'm fully willing to switch my tickets for whichever night is best for you guys.

LUKE
Yeah, I don't - I don't think so.

TJ
Come on.

LUKE
I... Lorelai and I... broke up.

TJ
Oh... Oh!

He rushes in and gives Luke a big bear hug.

LUKE
Gee, TJ, Okay!

TJ
It's okay, buddy. It's okay. Let it out. There is no shame in experiencing pain.

LUKE
I'm having trouble breathing.

TJ
You are coming over to dinner tonight with me and Liz.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Rory enters carrying shopping bag. The whole house has been decorated in an Asia theme, Japanese rock music plays.

*Music: Pizzicato Five "20th Century Girl"*

Lorelai comes out wearing a kimono.

LORELAI
Hello, honorable Rory-san.

RORY
You've made Asia for me?

LORELAI
Mm-hmm. Here's your kimono, honorable Rory-san.

RORY
Thank you. You made crazy Asia.

LORELAI
Well, actually, believe it or not, but this is an exact replica of Japan, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Hong Kong, Korea, and any other Asian countries that might have slipped my mind. This is exactly what you would see in the other Asia.

RORY
The one that's not in our living room.

LORELAI
Yeah, the old Asia. The first attempt, I like to call it. The prototype.

RORY
Asia's a lot smaller than I thought, more intimate. And more fragrant.

LORELAI
Yes well, Miss Patty donated a bottle of her opium perfume, and I spritzed it around a little.

RORY
A little.

LORELAI
Well, little at first, and then I tripped on my flip-flop and broke the bottle.

RORY
Asia's so pretty. I love all the lanterns and the poster of Mao. Very nice. And one of Sandra Oh. Oddly, you have a poster of Sandra Oh.

LORELAI
Well, she's a goddess. And those aren't posters. They're billboards. You've lost perspective.

RORY
Ah. I see you feng shuied the furniture.

LORELAI
Because it was so Unfeng Shuied before. It was ridiculous. Here.

She hands Rory a camers.

LORELAI
to document our journey.

RORY
Xie xie.

LORELAI
Oh, god bless you.

RORY
That's "thank you" in mandarin.

LORELAI
I knew that. Just testing you. Perhaps I shall outline our itinerary.

RORY
Perhaps we shall.

Rory takes a photo of Lorelai.

LORELAI
Oh... All right, well, first stop is Japan, land of the rising sun, ruled by hello kitty, where we are gonna make our own sushi.

RORY
You, me, and raw fish? Is that safe?

LORELAI
Well, I took a lesson, and if you're really nervous, then we can skip the fugu. After we're stuffed with sushi, we will take an invisible Rikshaw to the rice paddies, i.e. Your room, where we will spend hours Origamiing.

RORY
Paper cranes!

LORELAI
Yeah, and paper bulldozers and paper dump trucks and whatever else your little heart desires. Then, we'll take a bullet train straight back to Tokyo where we'll relax with some tai chi in preparation for the kabuki play I wrote.

She holds up a script.

RORY
Tai chi's actually chinese.

LORELAI
Duh. I know that. We're gonna teach it to the Japanese.

RORY
That's nice of us.

LORELAI
We're very nice that way, alright so, finally, we will conclude our journey with some fortune cookies and dessert sushi.

RORY
Dessert sushi - I do love Asia.

LORELAI
Hmm, and that will be followed by an educational video, which includes, but is not limited to, "Bridge On The River Kwai"

She holds up a stack of DVDs.

RORY
Aw...

LORELAI
"The Joy Luck Club," "Karate Kid," "Shanghai Surprise," The Bruce Lee classic "Enter the Dragon," the Tom Selleck classic "Mr. Baseball," and or "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

RORY
"Breakfast at Tiffany's"?

LORELAI
Starring Mickey Rooney in his tour-de-force racist performance as Holly Golightly's Japanese landlord.

RORY
Oh, yeah, he's so bad.

LORELAI
All right, let's make some Sushi. But I'm scared. Oh, I'll let you in on a secret. The fish is really fried chicken.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

The girls are watching a movie on the couch.

LORELAI
You are honestly asserting that you like the "Tootsie-roll marshmallow Twizzler" roll better than the "butterfinger junior mint chocolate-chip jujube" roll?

RORY
Hey call me crazy. I don't think butterfingers go with jujubes.

LORELAI
Crazy. The limitations of your palate astound me.

RORY
Hey, I liked the "Oreo red hot" sashimi.

LORELAI
Me too.

RORY
See, I'm not a hater.

LORELAI
Did you notice how the red hots acted as a dessert-Sushi Wasabi?

RORY
I did, which is something we should remember when we go to mass-market these.

LORELAI
I am telling the invention of dessert Sushi is gonna make us our first million.

RORY
And our second.

LORELAI
I'd like our third to be go-go dancing.

RORY
Sounds like a plan. Hmm, I'm not following this plot.

Enter the Dragon is playing on TV.

LORELAI
Okay, um... in the last scene, there was a sign that said, "no shirt, no shoes, no service." And this guy, shirtless guy, is angry about that - angry. And he's like, "no, I'm not gonna wear a shirt! I hate shirts!" and that pissed those other guys off. Hey, you know what would be amazing and really Asian? Fried ice cream.

RORY
Oh, cows must envy your stomach.

LORELAI
They do. I'm so full, I can't move. I feel like one of those cats that's bred to have no legs.

LORELAI
Oh don't get me wrong - my stomach's ready to explode. This is not a physical hunger. It's more of a spiritual hunger.

RORY
For fried ice cream.

LORELAI
Yeah, it's an eastern-philosophy thing. You wouldn't understand. 

She gets up and goes to the kitchen, Rory is on the couch still.

LORELAI
So, how do you think one actually goes about frying ice cream?

RORY
Probably in a frying pan.

LORELAI (O.S.)
Uh-oh.h. Bit of a situation here.

RORY
What?

LORELAI (O.S.)
We are out of ice cream.

The phone rings.

RORY
I'm a cat with no legs.

LORELAI (O.S.)
We can't answer it. We're out of the country. No ice cream. Unbelievable. One time I feel like cooking there's not ice cream to fry...

Answering machine beeps.

CHRISTOPHER
(from answering machine)
Lor, hey, it's me. Just still trying to reach you. Arr sorry I missed your call before. I wasn't calling about that whole "Luke hitting me" thing. I don't care about that. I just want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about the other night. You said it was just a one-night thing, but I want to talk about it, and about you and me, so... call me so we can talk. Okay. Bye. 

Lorelai comes out of the kitchen. The call ends.

LORELAI
So...

RORY
You slept with dad.

LORELAI
Yeah. I did.

RORY
You slept with dad. Um, that's just... I can't believe you slept with dad. Is that why you and Luke broke up, because you slept with dad?

LORELAI
No, honey. No, I... believe me, no. Um, Luke and I had broken up before.

RORY
For how long? I mean it couldn't have been long. You and Luke have only been broken up for three days.

LORELAI
Yeah, it was that night.

RORY
The night you and Luke broke up. Wow. So you just rushed right over there the minute you were free, huh?

LORELAI
Rory.

RORY
Sounds like you were in quite a hurry did you put a dummy in the passenger seat so you could use the car-pool lane?

LORELAI
Rory.

RORY
What you didn't think of it? In too much of a rush I guess. I hope you buckled your seat belt. You're supposed to buckle your seat belt even if you're in a rush.

LORELAI
Hey, Rory...

RORY
No, don't "Rory" me. You don't get to "Rory" me. You slept with dad.

LORELAI
Yeah. I-I-I... I know.

RORY
Are you and dad an item now?

LORELAI
No, it was nothing. I mean, it... it had nothing to do with me and Luke. What happened between me and your dad was nothing. It was nothing.

RORY
Mom, you slept with dad.

LORELAI
For the love of god, will you stop saying that?

RORY
No I can't stop saying it because it happened. And you're trying to pretend like it didn't.

LORELAI
I'm not perfect, okay? People make mistakes. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow dyed her hair that dark brown. It was very unflattering. If she's not perfect, how on earth do you expect me to be?

RORY
Yeah, because what you did is equivalent to dying your hair. That's great. Things were finally good between you two and between me and dad. Did you not care that things were really good between me and dad? I mean do you not want us to be close? Did you mean to ruin that?

LORELAI
No! God, no! I love that dad's been good and that things with you and dad have been good. I... I was hurting. I was heartbroken. And... it happened. I slept with your dad. It's over now, and it was a mistake.

RORY
I can't believe you didn't tell me this. I mean, first of all, you say you don't want to talk. So I figure you're going through some hard emotional time and you need some space. That's fine but what you didn't tell me is that you slept with dad. No, instead you're going around joking about, you know, origami and marshmallow sushi, like I'm some idiot 5-year-old.

LORELAI
Rory, I was gonna tell you. I just wanted...

RORY
You know what, mom? If you're heartbroken, you rent "An Affair to Remember," have a good cry, and drown your sorrows in a pint of ice cream. You get a hideously unflattering breakup haircut. You don't sleep with dad.

Rory leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. LIZ AND TJ'S HOME - NIGHT

TJ and Luke walk in.

TJ
Honey, we're home.

LIZ
Hi.

TJ kisses Liz and her belly.

TJ
(to Liz)
Keep your hands off me, you sex maniac.

LIZ
Oh, big brother, I'm so, so sorry.

Liz hugs Luke.

LUKE
Aw, thanks.

LIZ
Come in, come in. Make yourself at home. Dinner's still in the oven, so we have time to have a cocktail here and talk.

TJ
Cocktail hour. Pretty swanky stuff, huh?

LUKE
Very.

LIZ
Sit, sit.

LUKE
You should be the one that's sitting.

LIZ
I'm fine.

Luke and TJ sit down in the living room area.

TJ
She's fine, plus, it's good for her to move around. Keeps all those hormones circulating so they don't settle in one place, if you know what I mean.

Liz hands Luke and TJ drinks.

LIZ
(to Luke)
White Russian.
(to TJ)
TJ.

Liz sits down.

TJ
She's trying to liquor me up. I can see where this is going.

LUKE
It better not.

LIZ
We're really into White Russians recently.

TJ
It's our thing.

LUKE
Yeah.

LIZ
Of course, mine's a virgin.

TJ
Ironically.

LIZ
Just cream. So... I'm ready to talk.

LUKE
Oh, you know, it's really okay. I don't need to talk. It's just nice to be here.

LIZ
So was it Anna?

LUKE
What? No. It wasn't Anna.

LIZ
You sure?

LUKE
Look it wasn't Anna, okay? Lorelai and I just broke up, and I'd really rather not talk about it, so... if you don't want to talk about something else, let's sit here and drink our White Russians.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BAND APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Rory comes in.

RORY
Lane? Lane?

LANE
I'm in here.

RORY
Is Zach or Brian here?

LANE
No.

Rory goes the fridge to get herself a drink.

RORY
Sorry I didn't call first. I don't know the protocol for married friends. I just had to get out of my house. If I were there for one more second, I think I would have had to karate-chop my mom. I swear, just chopped her in half. I guess I...

She walks into:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BAND APARTMENT, LANE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lane is sitting on the floor.

RORY
Lane, are you okay? Did the doctor say you have a parasite?

LANE
In a manner of speaking.
(sighs)
I'm pregnant.

RORY
Shut up.

LANE
I'm pregnant.

RORY
You're not.

LANE
I am.

RORY
No.

LANE
Yes. I went to the doctor and he told me. I'm pregnant with a baby.

RORY
No.

LANE
Yes.

RORY
Wow.

Rory hugs Lane.

LANE
Yeah, wow.

RORY
Oh, my god. Wow. Wow. How did Zach take it?

LANE
He didn't. I haven't told him yet. I haven't told anyone. I just came back here and sat here, pregnant.

RORY
You're not.

LANE
I am.

RORY
Really?

LANE
Really, I guess the combination of salt water and seaweed and discount Mexican condoms and terrible, terrible sex leads to a baby.

RORY
A baby.

LANE
A baby. Sex sucks so bad. Sex sucks worse than I thought.

RORY
You only did it one time, and - wow, a baby.

LANE
That's what you get, folks, for making whoopee.

RORY
You're going to be a mother.

LANE
When the doctor told me, I started throwing up.

RORY
Well you had morning sickness.

LANE
This was a different kind of throwing up. This was the kind of throwing up that you do when you have to do something that you can't do.

She stands up.

RORY
You're going to be a great mother.

Rory stands up.

LANE
Maybe someday, but not now. I have a picture in my head of me as a mother. You know, I can imagine it, and in that picture, I'm wearing a skirt and heels, and my hair is up in a bun. I'm pushing one of those fancy British baby carriages that are called silver surfers or something.

RORY
Very Madonna in her British-mommy phase.

LANE
When I'm a mom, I'll be calm and wise and have my act together. I am not calm and not wise, and I really, really don't have my act together.

RORY
You don't have to wear heels and push a pram to be a mother.

LANE
A pram! See? I didn't even remember the word pram. Mothers know the word pram.

RORY
Mothers don't have to know the word pram.

LANE
Yes, yes, they do! They have to know all sorts of things. They have to know what to do when your baby is crying and how to change a diaper and how to use your wrist to test if the bottle is too hot. Why the wrist? I don't know. I have no idea.

RORY
Um, I think because it's handy, no pun intended, and um it's sensitive. Wrists are sensitive.

LANE
It's just one false move, one misstep, and I'll ruin it. I'm still making mistakes, Rory. Example "a" - I'm pregnant. I can't be making mistakes when I'm a mother. I'm not the person I need to be to be able to do this. I'm not perfect yet. I'm so not perfect.

RORY
You don't have to be perfect. I mean, even Gwyneth Paltrow makes mistakes, like "Shallow Hal" and that other movie that nobody saw where she played a stewardess. So who's perfect? Nobody. Not even mothers.

Rory has a realization.

LANE
Yeah... I'm scared.

RORY
I know you are, but you can do this. First of all, you are great. And second of all, you have nine long months to study about bottles and wrists.

LANE
That's true.

They sit down on the bed.

RORY
And, already, you are way ahead of a lot of people as far as parenting skills go, like Britney. Britney Spears does not know which end of a baby goes up. And Courtney Love? She's no June Cleaver.

LANE
Yeah I bet I could be a better mother than Courtney Love.

RORY
My sock drawer could be a better mother than Courtney Love. But, yes, of course you would be. And Michael Jackson - you know not to name a child "blanket."

LANE
I do know that. Do not name your baby after an inanimate object.

RORY
See? Way ahead of the pack.

LANE
Yeah. Hey... I wonder if um blanket ever met Tom and Katie's baby, Pillow.

RORY
Yeah, that would be a perfect play date.

LANE
Yeah, when it's nap time, they would be totally set.

RORY
And then they could invite Gwyneth's Apple over afterward for a little snack.

LANE
Banjo, Rachel Griffiths' baby, could play for them.

RORY
And then they could all jump in Mia Farrow's Satchel and make fun of, uh... what's his face?

LANE
Oh, Pilot Inspektor Lee.

RORY
Yeah.

They giggle.

FADE TO:

INT. LIZ AND TJ'S HOME - NIGHT

Liz inspects the oven.

LIZ
Little more time, looks like.

TJ
Can I set you up with another White Russian there, Luke?

LUKE
One was plenty, thank you.

LIZ
I can't believe it's not ready. I thought for sure it'd be ready by now. I'm so sorry, Luke. You must be starving.

LUKE
Don't worry about it.

LIZ
Uh maybe we should start with a little first course. Let me see what I have in here.

He looks into the fridge.

LUKE
So what exactly are you making that cooks for this long?

LIZ
Tuna loaf.

LUKE
Tuna loaf.

TJ
That sounds amazing.

LUKE
Well, it's very thoughtful of you.

LIZ
Jello cups!

TJ
Score.

LIZ
Well, anyway, invention is the mother of necessity.

She hands them jello cups and sits down.

LIZ
Eat your jello course. So it's not surprising, you know?

LUKE
What's not?

LIZ
You and Lorelai breaking up. I mean, that's not much of a surprise.

LUKE
Yeah. I don't know.

LIZ
I mean, I love Lorelai, but the two of you were...

LUKE
Were what?

LIZ
You were never in sync. I don't mean that in a bad way.

LUKE
What do you mean, we were never in sync?

LIZ
Okay, for one thing, you never really moved in together. You wanted to, but you never did. You were in two different places.

LUKE
Well, there was a logistical thing.

LIZ
And then, when you found out you had a daughter, you never told her. That's not normal, Luke. That's not how people in a healthy relationship act. It's like that space-time-continuum thing. You're on a plane over here, and she's on this plane over there, and you were both never here nor there at the same time.

TJ
It's like string theory.

LUKE
String theory, what do you know about string theory?

TJ
Don't underestimate me, Luke. I read. And I watch "Battlestar Galactica."

LUKE
Look, Lorelai and I just did not work out.

LIZ
You were on different planes. It could have worked out if there was a wormhole between your plane and her plane.

LUKE
We didn't need a wormhole.

LIZ
It was like that movie with, um, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

TJ
Exactly!

LIZ
Yeah.

TJ
Oh, yes! Exactly, exactly!

LIZ
You're living in the same house, man, but you are a couple years apart in the space-time continuum.

TJ
What house? It was a bus. Oh! I thought you were talking about "Speed." "Speed" applies, too.

LUKE
Lorelai and I didn't break up because we weren't on the same place in a space-time continuum or because there weren't any wormholes. We broke up because we weren't right for each other. Okay, it wasn't space. It wasn't time. It was us, okay? We didn't belong together. We never really... belonged together. We wanted to, but... we never did. That's it.

The timer for the oven rings, Liz gets up to get the food.

LIZ
I am so excited. 

She pulls the food out of the oven.

LIZ
It's cold. The oven's cold. The oven's broken.

TJ
Oh, man, still?

LIZ
We forgot to fix the oven. Oh, Luke, I am so sorry. I really wanted to make you a home-cooked meal.

LUKE
I'll go the store and get something to make for us.

LIZ
Oh, Luke.

Luke stands up.

LUKE
That's okay, really. I don't mind. Aw, I'll get us some stuff and make us a home-cooked meal. Your burners work?

LIZ
Yeah, they work.

LUKE
Okay, good. Great.

LIZ
At least you'll have a home-cooked meal.

LUKE
Okay, I'll be back in a bit.

LIZ
Okay.

Luke leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT

Luke gets some food out of the freezer and turns to see Lorelai.

LUKE
(sighs)
Hey.

LORELAI
Well, I guess both of us avoiding Doose's didn't work out that well, huh?

LUKE
Well, I wasn't avoiding Doose's. Just the closest market to Liz and TJ's house.

LORELAI
Right. Because you're not affected by this. You're not mad. I forgot.

LUKE
No, I... I was mad. I was really mad.

LORELAI
Yeah, I kind of figured.

LUKE
(sighs)
I know I was a jerk. I was just... mad.

LORELAI
I was the jerk. I was such a jerk.

LUKE
I'm not mad anymore. Well... that's not true, but... I won't be, you know, eventually.

Lorelai looks at him.

LUKE
Really.

LORELAI
Yeah?

LUKE
Yeah.

LORELAI
Okay.

LUKE
It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's just, we're not right together, you know? You're you, I'm me. I just... want to stop pretending we're something else. You don't belong with me. You belong with someone like Christopher. and I just... let's just stop fighting it, okay? And you go back to being Lorelai Gilmore. I'll go back to being the guy in the diner who pours your coffee.

Lorelai looks like she is about the break down, but holds on.

LORELAI
My hand's getting cold. 

She holds up some ice cream.

LUKE
Okay.

LORELAI
Okay.

Lorelai walks past Luke and away from him.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai is sitting on the couch crying, Rory comes home and sees her, Rory sits next to Lorelai on the couch.

>_END OF SHOW_<