The Annotated Guide to Gilmore girls

>_TEASER_<

INT. NEW HAVEN: PARIS' AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - DAY

Hallway outside, Lorelai knocks on the door, New-age music playing.

PARIS (O.S.)
Yes?

LORELAI
Um, Paris, it's Lorelai.

PARIS (O.S.)
Come in. The door is open.

Lorelai enters:

INT. NEW HAVEN: PARIS' AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - DAY

LORELAI
I'm so sorry that it's so early. I--

Doyle and Paris are doing yoga.

LORELAI
Oh. Wow. Hey.

PARIS
Sorry. We're in the middle of our yoga practice.

LORELAI
I didn't, uh, really imagine you guys to be the yoga types.

DOYLE
It was a circuitous path that led us here.

PARIS
I only signed up for the class 'cause I thought it'd help me B.S. My way through any med-school interviews when they talk about all that homeopathic, holistic, naturopathic, chiropractic, tcm, unani, ayurveda crap.

DOYLE
Plus, we thought it would be funny to goof on. But now...

PARIS
I guess the great cosmic goof is on us.

LORELAI
Is Rory asleep?

PARIS
You mean spiritually or literally?

LORELAI
Literally.

PARIS
Yeah, I think so.

Lorelai walks into:

INT. NEW HAVEN: PARIS' AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT, RORY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Lorelai knock on Rory's door.

RORY
Hey, mom.

LORELAI
Hey. Sorry I didn't call first. I left my phone at home. And it's 6:00 in the morning. Why are you up?

RORY
Ah Paris and Doyle were chanting. Why are you up?

LORELAI
Oh, I've been up for a while, driving...

RORY
Driving?

LORELAI
Yeah for a few hours.

RORY
Driving?

LORELAI
Yeah driving.

RORY
Mom, what's going on?

LORELAI
Want to go for a drive?

RORY
Um, sure. Let's go for a drive.

CUT TO:

EXT. CONNECTICUT: ROAD - DAY

Rory and Lorelai are driving in the Jeep.

RORY
So... we're driving.

LORELAI
Yeah, we're driving. 
(pause)
Honey, your dad and I split up... last night.

RORY
Oh, mom, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

LORELAI
I'm okay -- I'm driving, moving forward.

RORY
You are driving.

LORELAI
Yep. It just wasn't right, you know? And he knew it wasn't right, and I knew it wasn't right. It just wasn't...

RORY
It wasn't right.

LORELAI
It wasn't, and pretending it was, was just gonna hurt him and hurt me, and we didn't want to do that, so we split up, and he's moving out, and... what are you thinking?

RORY
I don't know. I guess, first of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And... secondly... I guess I'm thinking that I'm not totally surprised. I mean, at first, I was so excited that you guys were getting together because it seemed like something that was meant to be.

LORELAI
Yep.

RORY
Something that was like destiny. But... then... I guess... to me, it kind of never felt right. I'm so sorry.

LORELAI
I just want you to know, your dad is gonna be in your life -- in our lives.

RORY
I know that.

LORELAI
And Gigi, too. I mean, your dad is still your dad, you know?

RORY
I know that, mom. I do.
(pause)
So, who else knows?

LORELAI
Nobody. That's it. Well, you and the Quickie Mart guy.

RORY
You told the Quickie Mart guy?

LORELAI
I was upset. I was standing by the magazines. I didn't want him to think I was verklempt over Nicole Richie. So... that's it. I wish I could leave it at that. The idea of telling your grandmother -- god.

Jeep starts making noises and the engine shuts off.

LORELAI
Oh. Oh, wow.

RORY
What?

LORELAI
I... we're out of gas?

RORY
We're out of... gas.

Lorelai tries to start the Jeep.

RORY
Hmm.

LORELAI
I've never run out of gas before.

RORY
Me neither.

LORELAI
Well, here we are.

RORY
Out of gas.

LORELAI
Well, I guess I should ca-- I don't have my cell phone.

RORY
I left mine in my room.

They look at each other.

RORY
Okay. It's okay. No, it's fine. We'll just have to get gas somehow. We can do this.

LORELAI
There's a gas station up ahead, where route 68 goes through Naugatuck.

RORY
Okay. So... we're walking?

LORELAI
Oh, we're walking.

They both chuckle, exit the Jeep and start walking.

LORELAI
Well, it's a beautiful day.

RORY
Yes, it is.

LORELAI
It's weird that it can be so beautiful.

RORY
Yeah. How far is Naugatuck from here?

LORELAI
I don't know exactly.

RORY
I guess it's walking distance.

LORELAI
I hope it's walking distance.

>_END OF TEASER_<

===

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, FOYER - NIGHT

Doorbell rings, maid opens the door.

LORELAI
Hello?

RORY
Hi, there.

LORELAI
How you doing?

MAID
(quietly)
May I take your coats?

LORELAI
Hmm?

MAID
(quietly)
Coats?

LORELAI
Oh. Okay. 

They hand over their coats.

LORELAI
Thank you.

MAID
(quietly)
Um... I t-- I think she's in the living room. I'm not sure. Uh...

The maid walks away.

LORELAI
What? Her mouth is moving. I can't hear anything. Is something wrong with my ears?

RORY
No, I don't think it's your ears. poor thing.

LORELAI
This house is a giant Skinner box with Chippendale chairs. Hello?

EMILY (O.S.)
In here!

The girls go into:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

LORELAI
Hey, mom.

RORY
Hey, grandma.

EMILY
Hello, Rory, Lorelai. How are you?

LORELAI
Oh good. How are you? How's dad? Is he up to this, you think?

EMILY
Why wouldn't he be?

LORELAI
Well mum he just got out of the hospital. I just wonder if it's too soon.

EMILY
The doctor said there's no reason he can't go back to his normal routine, as long as he doesn't do anything too strenuous. It's not as though sitting at a table having dinner with one's family requires a great deal of effort.

LORELAI
Oh well... you're right.

EMILY
He should be down by now. Is Christopher coming?

LORELAI
Um... he's not able to make it tonight. I'm sorry.

EMILY
Well... that's too bad. In the meantime, can I offer you a drink?

LORELAI
Yes. The usual -- Martini up, with a twist.

EMILY
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not serving alcohol tonight.

LORELAI
(to Rory)
I told you there was something wrong with my ears.
(to Emily)
What?

EMILY
I'm serving nonalcoholic cocktails only.

LORELAI
There's no such thing as a nonalcoholic cocktail.

EMILY
There most certainly is. It's called a Mocktail.

LORELAI
You're serving Mocktails?

EMILY
Yes. I can offer you a Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers.

RORY
I'll have a Roy Rogers.

LORELAI
Why not a howdy doody or a captain kangaroo?

Emily goes to make drinks.

EMILY
Lorelai, stop being so selfish. We're doing this for your father. After you've had open-heart surgery, alcohol is strictly verboten.

LORELAI
(to Rory)
No alcohol. No alcohol.

EMILY
Well, there you are. I told you to tell Mr. Gilmore that his daughter and granddaughter were pulling into the driveway 15 minutes ago.

The nurse comes down.

FRANCETTE
Mr. Gilmore says he's in the middle of watching golf and he'll be down as soon as he's finished.

EMILY
Golf? He's watching golf? Well, if you tell him we're expecting him downstairs, I would very much appreciate it.

FRANCETTE
I'm not really sure that falls under my job description.... Fine. Fine.

EMILY
Fine.

FRANCETTE
Fine.

The nurse goes upstairs.

EMILY
Here you go.

Emily hands Lorelai and Rory their drinks.

RORY
Thank you.

LORELAI
Oh, that's a strong one, mom. You know I'm driving.

RORY
Tastes great.

LORELAI
You know what else tastes great? Rum.

EMILY
For heaven's sake, Lorelai. If you're unable to go for a few hours without alcohol, I can send the maid out to get you a six-pack. 

She sees Richard on the stairs.

EMILY
Richard!

Richard walks down the stairs.

RICHARD
All right. I'm here. You can put away your leash.

RORY
Hey, grandpa.

LORELAI
Hey, dad.

RICHARD
Rory, Lorelai.

LORELAI
How are you feeling?

RICHARD
Well like a man who's been torn away from one of the most pivotal golf matches in history.

LORELAI
If you're not up for it, we can take a rain check.

EMILY
We don't need a rain check. Richard, wouldn't you like to change for dinner?

RICHARD
No, if you're going to treat me like a patient, I'm going to act like a patient. Patients wear robes.

EMILY
All right. Fine. May I offer you a Mocktail?

RICHARD
No. I don't want a Mocktail. In fact, I'd like to skip "Mocktail hour" altogether and go straight to dinner.

EMILY
B-but it isn't time yet to...

Richard sighs.

EMILY
All right. We'll eat now.
(to the nurse)
Ah Francette, would you please go tell Aurora to tell Stefan we are ready to have dinner served now?

FRANCETTE
Look, Mrs. Gilmore, I have to reiterate, I am here as a medical professional, not a carrier pigeon.

RICHARD
Well, as a medical professional, you should be concerned with my health. And not eating isn't healthy, is it? Nor is getting agitated. And I have to tell you Francette, I'm getting quite agitated.

FRANCETTE
Don't threaten me, Mr. Gilmore.

EMILY
It's fine, it's fine. I'll go tell her myself.

They start to move into the dinning room.

RORY
Wow.

LORELAI
A six-pack sounds really good right now.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Now in the dinning room, classical music playing.

MAID
(quietyl)
Here's your plate, sir. I hope it's not too hot -- the plate, not the food. 

RICHARD
Oh, well. It's fish again.

EMILY
It's sea bass.

RICHARD
And sea bass is a fish -- hence my comment "surprise, surprise -- it's fish again."

RORY
It tastes good.

RICHARD
Tastes like fish.

EMILY
I don't think it tastes fishy. Sea bash is not a fishy fish. Mackerel is a fishy fish. Trout can be a fishy fish. But sea bass is not really a fishy fish.

RICHARD
I didn't say it tasted fishy. I said it tasted like fish.

RORY
I think it tastes good.

LORELAI
You know the green beans are very green-beany, which is so good, especially if you like green beans, which I do.

RORY
Mmm.

LORELAI
Anyone see any good movies lately?

EMILY
No.

RICHARD
This fish is bland.

EMILY
Would you like some more lemon-dill sauce?

RICHARD
No.

EMILY
Okay.

LORELAI
The sauce is good, mom.

EMILY
It's nice, isn't it?

LORELAI
Tart, but not too tart. Stefan, the chef we stole from the Lowells, is doing a marvelous job incorporating the dietary recommendations--

RICHARD
Enough. If forced, I may eat this fish, but I absolutely refuse to waste my time having a conversation about it. So, Lorelai, I take it that Christopher is still out of town?

LORELAI
He... couldn't make it tonight.

RICHARD
That's too bad.

EMILY
That man has been traveling quite a lot lately.

LORELAI
Oh yeah, I guess.

RICHARD
Well I hope he'll be around for the party your mother's planning. I know I'm looking forward to it. It's my only hope for eating a decent meal in the foreseeable future. Your mother was planning to serve Cornish game hens. Is that still the plan, Emily?

EMILY
Yes, I've even spoken to the caterer about preparing a special skinless hen for you.

RICHARD
Oh, for heaven's sakes.

EMILY
Don't get angry, Richard. It's your doctor's orders, not mine.

RICHARD
You know what? I'm full.

RORY
These flowers are pretty.

LORELAI
They really are nice.

RICHARD
If you will excuse me, I have to get back to my golf.

EMILY
Richard!

RICHARD
Please. I know I've missed Jacklin's bogey on the 16th. I'm not missing his putt on the 17th. That's a famous putt, Emily.

EMILY
Wait -- you're watching an old golf game? Well, it's the last singles match of the '69 Ryder cup. Jacklin, Nicklaus -- the concession!

EMILY
I can't believe you're watching an old golf game instead of eating...

RICHARD
Fish?

EMILY
Dinner with your family. You already know how it's going to turn out.

RICHARD
Well, that never stopped people going to see "Hamlet." Lorelai, Rory, good night. Emily.

Richard gets up and leaves.

EMILY
Richard... Richard!

EMILY
The idea that two grown men hitting a tiny ball with metal sticks is the equivalent of "hamlet" -- ridiculous. But can I say anything? No! Because I can't agitate him.

LORELAI
It is ridiculous. Golf is more like "Richard III." You know they're all hunched over.

EMILY
I'm going to go get him.

Emily walks out.

RORY
It sounds like grandma's going full steam ahead with this whole party-planning thing.

LORELAI
I know!

RORY
She's going to kill 400 Cornish game hens - probably with her own bare hands.

LORELAI
Your grandfather just had a heart attack. Your grandmother is not drinking. This isn't exactly the ideal time to tell them their one and only daughter's marriage is over.

RORY
I know.

LORELAI
I don't know what she'll do. She's gone bananas. I mean for all I know, she'll throw a Molotov Mocktail at me.

RORY
I know, but only you can save the Cornish game hens. Save the Cornish game hens!

Lorelai sighs.

INT. NEW YORK: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

Morning, Rory is preparing a tray of food. Logan comes out.

RORY
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Get back in bed.

LOGAN
I just want to check my e-mail real quick.

RORY
Oh, no, no, no.

LOGAN
What's the big deal?

RORY
Well I made you a special birthday breakfast in bed, and if you don't go back to bed, it's gonna be a special birthday breakfast at a desk, which is something I have never heard of. Happy birthday.

They kiss.

LOGAN
Mmmm, now it is, now that there are cinnamon buns in the picture.

RORY
Are you impressed? It's my specialty. I can cook anything that comes in a tube.

LOGAN
I am impressed and hungry.

RORY
Nuh-unh-unh! Get back in bed! You are the birthday boy. You should not be working. You should be luxuriating, eating peeled grapes and being fanned with palm fronds.

LOGAN
Peeled grapes ha.

RORY
Mm-Hmm.

LOGAN
Well, what if the birthday boy gets back in bed but is allowed to bring his laptop?

RORY
Deal.

They return to the bed.

LOGAN
So somebody's pretty into this whole birthday thing.

RORY
Well if by "birthday thing," you mean the celebration of the miracle of your birth, the anniversary of the day when this world went from being a world without Logan Huntzberger to a world with Logan Huntzberger, then, yes, I'm pretty into it.

LOGAN
You really love me, don't you?

RORY
Well you're okay.

LOGAN
I'm not used to all this hoopla. Birthdays aren't a very big deal in the Huntzberger family.

RORY
Why not?

LOGAN
Because birthdays aren't something you achieve. Why should you be lauded for something that just happens to you?

RORY
Well didn't you have birthday parties when you were a kid?

LOGAN
They were parties, sort of, but not with any kids I actually knew.

RORY
That sounds like a blast.

LOGAN
And I never had a regular birthday cake. I always wanted just a good old, plain yellow cake. You know with cake frosting but desserts were some fancy flambé thing with alcohol in them.

RORY
Well, those years of birthday neglect will become a faint memory after the Gilmore treatment.

LOGAN
Plenty of hoopla in a Gilmore birthday, huh?

RORY
Mm-hmm. Hoopla and then some. My mom always went all out.

LOGAN
How's your mom doing?

RORY
She's okay.

LOGAN
And you?

RORY
I feel like celebrating your birthday.

Logan opens his laptop.

RORY
Why are you working? It's your birthday. And I thought your deal was already closed.

LOGAN
It is.

RORY
Well then all that's left to do is celebrate -- and to tell your dad, because you said Huntzberger's celebrate achievement right. Isn't closing this deal a pretty big achievement?

LOGAN
Well I don't want to tell my dad -- not yet. He can read about it in the wall street journal, which in fact is what I just had sent to me -- the press release.

RORY
The press release, huh? That's fancy.

LOGAN
(reads)
"Huntzberger, a young visionary entrepreneur." Does that sound dorky?

RORY
Nope. Sounds great. It's exciting.

LOGAN
These are good, by the way.

RORY
Good.

LOGAN
But what would be great with them is a nice bowl of peeled grapes.

RORY
Oh yeah.

LOGAN
Would you make peeled grapes?

RORY
If they come in a tube, I do.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Telephone rings, Lorelai answers it.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hello?

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - DAY

EMILY
(into phone)
Lorelai?

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

LORELAI
(into phone)
Mum.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

EMILY
They won't deliver.

LORELAI
Who won't deliver what.

EMILY
And, apparently, none of their help has driver's licenses. That's a little irresponsible, don't you think?

LORELAI
You got to help me out a little here mum.

EMILY
(to Francette)
Why are you leering at me?

LORELAI
I'm not leering at... mother, are you on peyote?

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
Mr. Gilmore's light bulb is bothering him.

EMILY
I'm sorry -- is that some sort of nurse code?

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
The 60-watt bulb on his bedside lamp is apparently casting a harsh glare on the television.

EMILY
(to Francette)
Well, then, get him another light bulb.

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
It's just not my job.

EMILY
(to Francette)
Then get Francette to do it.

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
I am Francette.

LORELAI
Mom!

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
Aurora is the maid.

EMILY
(to Francette)
Then Aurora, ask Aurora to find a light bulb.

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
I can't find Aurora.

EMILY
(to Francette)
You can't find Aurora?

FRANCETTE
(to Emily)
She's hiding from Mr. Gilmore.

LORELAI
Hello?

EMILY
(to Francette)
She's hiding from --  Never mind. I'll get it myself.
(into phone)
Honestly -- these people!

Francette leaves.

LORELAI
Mother what is going on over there?

EMILY
Your father is running low on his blood thinners, and the pharmacy can't be bothered to deliver.

LORELAI
Are you calling to ask me if I will pick up dad's prescription?

EMILY
Well, I can't leave the house, or chaos will ensue.

LORELAI
You're calling to imply that you would like to ask me to pick up dad's prescription?

EMILY
It's a pharmacy at the corner of Walden and Hasbrook lane. 

Emily hangs up.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

LORELAI
(into phone)
Okay... hello? No, it's no problem at all. I'd be happy to. It's just nice to be appreciated. By the way, Chris and I broke up. Bye.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Babette and Miss Patty are at a table. Kirk is sitting near by. Luke is serving tables.

BABETTE
(to Miss Patty)
Yeah, it's true -- he's definitely moved out. Last time I saw the... beagle's car in the driveway, it was days ago. Then I saw the mover's truck, so only the... hen is living there now.

MISS PATTY
So did the hen break up with the beagle, or the beagle with the hen?

BABETTE
I don't know.

MISS PATTY
Oh the poor hen.

BABETTE
Yeah she's been through so much.

MISS PATTY
You know, just kind of getting used to him -- the beagle.

BABETTE
But he's not right for her. He's a beagle, you know. And beagles, beagles belong with beagles.

MISS PATTY
And the hen belongs with the rooster.

BABETTE
Maybe.

MISS PATTY
Well, does the rooster know about the hen and the beagle?

BABETTE
Oh, yeah, East Side Tillie was in here yesterday, blabbing her big mouth off.

MISS PATTY
How did he take it? Did you see his face?

BABETTE
Yeah, but you know the rooster. It's like looking at Stonehenge. I don't know what he thinks.

MISS PATTY
Oh I hope he gets his act together because I think they're perfect.

BABETTE
Yeah, but maybe sh-- the hen belongs with someone else... like a penguin or an ostrich.

KIRK
I can no longer sit here and listen to this.

MISS PATTY
Oh, good. Go sit over there.

KIRK
I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience let this perverse conversation continue. Are you insinuating that a hen could mate with an ostrich? Because even ignoring the question of biological feasibility, it's completely morally reprehensible.

BABETTE
Oh, buzz off with your "morally reprehensible."

KIRK
How do you expect her to lay those eggs? Have you thought about that, have you?

Babette and Miss Patty look at each other confused, the door of the diner opens. Liz and TJ enter packed with baby stuff.

LIZ
Hey, big brother!

LUKE
Hey.

They hug.

TJ
Surprise!

LUKE
Yes sure am, Liz, TJ, Jeez, and piles of your belongings.

LIZ
It's so good to see you.

LUKE
Yeah, you, too. Hey, Doula.

TJ
She's looking good, huh?

LUKE
Yeah.

TJ
Sturdy, too, like she might be a female wrestler or something.

LUKE
Oh, fingers crossed.

TJ
Right you know what I'm thinking? Free tickets.

LUKE
Yeah. So you two just decided to swing by the diner with a half a dozen bags and a baby apparatus of some kind?

LIZ
No, we decided to come and keep you company.

LUKE
Company?

LIZ
Yeah now that April's in New Mexico, we figured you might be getting a little lonely.

LUKE
Oh, no, I'm not getting lonely. I mean I miss having April around, sure, but I mean I talk to her every Wednesday after swim practice and every Sunday if she's done all her homework. It's going good.

TJ
(to Liz)
Are you buying this? I'm not buying it.

TJ walks outside.

LUKE
Buying what? There's nothing to buy. Hey, where are you going?

LIZ
Oh, don't do the stiff-upper-lip thing with us. We're family. We're here for you.

LUKE
Look, Liz, it's really sweet of you to come by and visit, but... you're planning on staying here for a while?

LIZ
We don't want you to be lonely.

TJ comes back in with more stuff.

LUKE
How long exactly are you planning on keeping me company?

LIZ
A few days, a week tops.

LUKE
I don't need to be kept company.

LIZ
Well yeah, but you -- we should just come clean.

TJ
No.

LUKE
Yes about what?

TJ
About nothing.

LUKE
TJ

TJ
How about them Celtics, huh? They sure can dribble a basketball.

LUKE
Liz!

LIZ
We got moths.

LUKE
I'm sorry?

TJ
Oh, me too, believe me. Luke, it's horrible. I hate those little floppy, fluttery jerks.

LUKE
Moths, huh?

TJ
Ah dude, they're everywhere -- flying around, popping out of the flour container, congregating around the light bulbs, all pasty and white. I swear moths are like the loser butterflies that couldn't get laid if they tied a $100 bill to their...

LUKE
TJ, I got it. You got moths.

LIZ
So we figured we could avoid the moths and have a little quality time with you.

LUKE
Yeah, all right, just go ahead upstairs, make yourselves at home.

TJ
Love it!

Luke looks happy.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - DAY

Emily and Richard are eating dinner, it's very quite.

EMILY
It's Miso Richard, its good for you.

RICHARD
Soup. 

He puts down the spoon.

RICHARD
(calls)
Stephan, Stephan.
(to Emily)
Soup is not a meal, nor is a salad. Soup and salad are either precursors to a meal or addenda.

EMILY
Richard please.

Stefan, the chef, walks out. Door bell rings.

RICHARD
Soup and salad is not a meal.

EMILY
We have Salmon if you want Salmon.

RICHARD
I don't want salmon, for heavens sakes I don't want Salmon, what I would like is a proper meal.

Door bell again rings.

EMILY
(calls)
Aurora the door.

STEFAN
I was given certain dietary parameters.

RICHARD
(angry)
I know that, I'm not stupid, I know what the situation is here.

Door bell again rings.

STEFAN
I just don't know if I can...

EMILY
(calls)
Francette, Aurora, either of you, both of you will someone answer the door. 
(to Richard)
I'm sure Stephan is interested in you input Richard.

RICHARD
Well here is my input, this food is ineatable.

Door bell again rings.

EMILY
Fine I'll get it myself, not that it is my job.

Emily gets up to answer the door.

STEFAN
Suggestion, maybe you would prefer some light sandwiches.

RICHARD
Sandwiches!

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, FOYER - DAY

Emily opens the door.

LORELAI
Hi come bearing drugs.

She hands Emily a bag.

EMILY
Please don't bellow that.

LORELAI
Bellow what?
(louder)
“Drugs”?!

EMILY
Lorelai.

LORELAI
How's dad doing Mom.

EMILY
He's just fine.

RICHARD (O.S.)
I swear you can get better food in an airplane, I haven't been in a submarine but I'd wager the food is better there too.

EMILY
It's an adjustment.

LORELAI
Hmm.

They walk into:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - DAY

Emily and Lorelai enter.

STEFAN
Let me offer one more suggestion.

RICHARD
What tacos?!

STEFAN
No I quit!

RICHARD
Fine.

EMILY
Stefan no.

STEFAN
I'll tell you something, I have worked in so many four-star restaurants I could have my own constellation. And yet I'm treated like this, I'm sorry but I have too much self respect to work for this terror. 

He throws his apron on the floor and storms out.

LORELAI
How things going around here?

EMILY
Fine.

RICHARD^
Fine.

LORELAI
Feeling okay dad?

RICHARD
I'm fine, now if you'll excuse me I thing I'm gonna go watch Bob Tway vanquish Greg Norman in the 86' PGA championship.

EMILY
Oh before you go did you manage to call Rod Mandel's office.

Richard starts to leave.

RICHARD
No.

EMILY
But Angelique called three times this morning.

RICHARD
Bully for her, I'm sorry I have golf to watch.

EMILY
But Richard you didn't eat a thing. He didn't eat a thing.

Richard leaves.

LORELAI
Well send something up to him.

EMILY
Send what you just saw yourself Stefan just quite.

LORELAI
Well you could make him something 

Emily give Lorelai a look.

LORELAI
I mean the maid could, what is her name.

EMILY
Oh I don't know, Aurora I think. I don't know anyway she's hiding apparently.

Emily starts looking for the nurse

EMILY
Aurora? 

They walk into:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, FOYER - DAY

EMILY
Aurora? Where are you?

LORELAI
The maid is hiding?

EMILY
According to the nurse, but she's useless because she won't do anything that doesn't involve a stethoscope.

LORELAI
I can make something for dad.

EMILY
Oh please!

LORELAI
I can make toast, if the conditions are ideal.

EMILY
He won't eat it, anyway. He'll just snap at me, snapping at everyone in sight. The poor maid quivers every time he comes near her. She just quivers.

LORELAI
Oh that terrible.

EMILY
And his accountant's office keeps calling because he's supposed to be filing an 1120. Who knows what an 1120 is?

They walk into

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

LORELAI
I do. It's a federal tax form.

EMILY
(calls)
Aurora!
(to Lorelai)
Well he won't call them back. All he wants to do is watch golf.

LORELAI
What's with all the golf?

EMILY
I have no idea. He just lies there in bed, staring at the TV like a zombie. Everything is falling apart everything is chaotic.

LORELAI
Mom, please, sit down. I'm gonna make you a delicious Mocktail, huh? And then you enjoy that and relax and I'll take care of the chef and I'll make sure that dad takes his medicine so you don't have to worry. Here.

Lorelai hands her a drink.

EMILY
Thank you. But I'm going to call Angelique and ask about this 1120.

Emily gets up and leaves.

LORELAI
I'll find Aurora. 
(calls)
Aurora!

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai and Sookie enter.

SOOKIE
To heat most of these up, you just zap them for a couple minutes.

LORELAI
Okay.

SOOKIE
Don't worry, each meal has a note with cooking instructions, taped to it.

LORELAI
Did I already tell you you're a goddess?

SOOKIE
You might have mentioned something to that effect. Could I be the one with the multiarms?

LORELAI
The who?

SOOKIE
The goddess with all the arms, I want to be her.

LORELAI
Sure. Hey, these look good.

SOOKIE
Don't sound so surprised.

LORELAI
Yeah, but they're supposed to be healthy, right. I mean they're all healthy? 

Lorelai cell phone rings.

SOOKIE
They're ridiculously healthy.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hey!

INT. NEW YORK: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

The apartment is decorated. Rory has a piñata with her.

RORY
(into phone)
What did we do for my 8th birthday?

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LORELAI
I don't know. Is this a quiz? Are you on some sort of radio contest?

RORY
No for Logan's birthday, I'm trying to put together a night of all the birthday highlights that he missed.

LORELAI
And you're looking for the classics?

RORY
Exactly. I remember that we had an outer-space birthday when I turned 6.

LORELAI
Right. We made space suits out of garbage bags. We had tang and freeze-dried ice cream.

RORY
And then when I turned 7, we did a fiesta birthday.

LORELAI
Mm-hmm. Piñatas and tacos and freeze-dried ice cream.

RORY
Oh freeze-dried ice cream is the best. I remember really enjoying my 8th birthday. I just don't remember what it was.

LORELAI
Teddy-bear tea party.

RORY
Oh that's right. So, how's it going over there?

LORELAI
I'd say weirder. Your grandma's a little on edge.

Rory's cell phone beeps.

RORY
Oh, hey, mom, it's Logan on the other line, can you hold on a sec.

LORELAI
Yeah tell him "happy birthday" for me.

RORY
Will do.

Rory switches to the other line.

INT. NEW YORK: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

RORY
(into phone)
Happy birthday.

INT. NEW YORK: COFFEE SHOP - DAY

LOGAN
(into phone)
Thank you.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RORY
And happy birthday from my mom.

LOGAN
Thank you. Hey, so my dad just called.

RORY
Oh, he did? Yeah. Apparently, he remembered my birthday, and actually he said he wants to take us out to dinner, you and me.

RORY
Oh. That's... great.

LOGAN
Now I know it's last minute and I know you got your special Gilmore hoopla treatment planned, so we don't have to go if you don't want to go.

RORY
No, no, we should go we can always do the Gilmore hoopla after we have dinner with your dad.

LOGAN
Are you sure, it will probably be lame, for all I know, he's invited us to crash a meeting with Rupert Murdoch.

RORY
Well that's cool. I can hang with mad dog Murdoch.

LOGAN
Okay. Well, cool, cool. Thanks Ace. I'll call him back.

RORY
Happy birthday!

LOGAN
Bye!

Rory switches back to Lorelai.

INT. NEW YORK: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

RORY
(into phone)
Hey, sorry about that.

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, KITCHEN - DAY

LORELAI
(into phone)
How's the birthday boy?

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RORY
He's good. He's fine. But I guess his dad called and wants to take us out to a birthday dinner tonight.

LORELAI
That sounds like a load of laughs.

RORY
Yeah, Mitchum -- that man is fundamentally incapable of making me feel anything but small and awful.

LORELAI
Now that's not true, he's made you feel incompetent, too.

RORY
Well I guess Logan was excited that his dad wanted to take us out, so that's sweet. Have you told grandma and grandpa about you and dad yet?

LORELAI
Um, not yet.

RORY
Well I feel obligated to remind you that the lives of 400 Cornish game hens hang in the balance.

LORELAI
Happy Logan's birthday.

RORY
Happy Logan's birthday to you.

LORELAI
Bye. 

Lorelai Hangs up.

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, KITCHEN - DAY

LORELAI
(to Sookie)
Mmm, that looks unhealthy.

SOOKIE
Thank you.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - NIGHT

Luke is getting dinner ready, Liz is making jewelry and TJ is looking after Doula.

*Music: The SqueeGees "Making Noises"*

TJ
Oh, I love this song.

LIZ
I don't know why we didn't think of this before.

LUKE
Think of what?

LIZ
Using your fishing line for stringing -- it's really incredible. Durable yet plenty thin and flexible.

LUKE
I'm glade.

LIZ
And some of this doohickeys, man, are really cute. Check it out -- sexy, yeah?

TJ
Oh, wow, babe, these are gorgeous.

LIZ
Thank you, sweetie.

TJ
I'm so proud of your sister, Luke. This jewelry stuff has really taken off, you know? And it's great, you know because now I can be the stay-at-home dad I've always dreamed of being while this one goes out and brings home the bacon.

LIZ
We're gonna drive our new van from trade show to trade show, selling the jewelry. Like in a couple weeks, there's this big show in Manhattan.

LUKE
Oh yeah.

LIZ
Yeah at the Javits center.

TJ
We'll just load up the van, head up 91, and start showing off the family jewels.

LUKE
Oh sounds good but I wouldn't take the 91 through New Haven. There's tons of construction there now. I'd take the Merritt.

LIZ
How do you know?

LUKE
‘Cause I went there to visit Lorelai's dad when he had the heart attack.

LIZ
You did?

LUKE
Yeah I thought I told you that.

LIZ
No you told me he had a heart attack. You didn't tell me you went to the hospital.

LUKE
What's the big deal?

LIZ
(laughs)
I don't know. I mean, you went there for Lorelai, and what's going on with her and her husband?

LUKE
I don't know. They split up or something.

LIZ
They did?

LUKE
Yeah, well, a week or so ago.

LIZ
Well, well, well.

LUKE
What?

LIZ
The plot thickens.

LUKE
The plot does not thicken, okay? We're friends -- that's all. I just went out when I heard her dad was sick.

TJ
Phew! That is a relief.

LIZ
TJ!

TJ
What it's a load off my mind, that's all I'm saying. ‘Cause I don't think you should get back together with her.

LUKE
Nobody's talking about getting back together with her.

TJ
Good. ‘Cause that woman is drama. Every time you mention her, it's got something to do with the hospital.

LUKE
What!

LIZ
So how's her dad doing?

LUKE
Well good, I guess.

LIZ
You haven't called Lorelai?

LUKE
No.

TJ
Don't call her. Don't open that Pandora's box.

LIZ
If he wants to call her, he should her -- they're friends.

TJ
Just lock it up, Luke. Lock it up. Solder that baby shut.

Luke looks a little mad.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK: RESTAURANT - NIGHT

MAITRE D
Would you follow me, please? Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table.

LOGAN
(to Rory)
"Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table."

RORY
I told you.

MITCHUM
Hey, hey there they are. Happy birthday, Logan.

They shake hands.

MITCHUM
Rory.

RORY
Hi.

MITCHUM
Great to see you.

RORY
You too.

MITCHUM
Sit, sit. I took the liberty of ordering a bottle of champagne for the table.

LOGAN
Oh nice.

MITCHUM
Rory, how does that sound?

RORY
Sounds like music to my ears.

They sit down.

MITCHUM
Good, good, so, you look pretty good. You been hitting the squash courts lately?

LOGAN
Oh man I wish. I haven't had much of a chance. I've been working pretty much nonstop these days.

RORY
He has been.

MITCHUM
Well, good for you. A little hard work never hurt anybody. To my son -- now a quarter of a century old. Not bad. And to his lovely girlfriend -- the beautiful and always witty Rory.

LOGAN
Hear, hear.

They clink glasses.

WAITER
Here's a little Amuse-Bouche with avocado and crabmeat, compliments of the chef.

MITCHUM
Oh, tell Markham thanks.

RORY
(to Mitchum)
You know the chef here?

MITCHUM
Yeah, I've known him for, uh... wow... almost 15 years now. Interesting story, actually -- he was the Sous chef at Le Bernardin, ah for a bunch of years. 

He tries the food.

MITCHUM
Mmm... that's good. That's good crab. Anyway, one day, he just quit -- said he wanted to start his own restaurant. Everyone thought it was a bad idea at the time. The odds were against him. Opening a successful restaurant in Manhattan is like catching a firefly in your hand, only a hell of a lot more expensive.

LOGAN
Well all I can tell you is this Amuse-Bouche is great.

RORY
Yes, my mouth is very amused.

MITCHUM
That's funny. But it was a very gutsy move. And it paid off.

LOGAN
He caught that firefly.

MITCHUM
Exactly. So, Rory, tell me -- are you still planning to pursue journalism?

RORY
Yes I am, I have been writing some articles for an online magazine and I've just applied for the James Reston reporting fellowship.

MITCHUM
You know what you should read? Philip Meyer's latest book--

RORY
"The Vanishing Newspaper." I read it. I loved it.

MITCHUM
It's an interesting time in journalism. You know. I'll tell you what our field needs -- an infusion of bright, talented people like you, Rory.

RORY
Thank you.

MITCHUM
I mean it.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, RICHARD'S STUDY - NIGHT

Lorelai enters. The room is full of boxes and papers.

LORELAI
So, dad took his medicine. He at half of Sookie's chicken and the entire mango smoothie. I got three recommendations of personal chefs from Sookie, two of them I've spoken to on the phone, there.

She hands Emily a piece of paper.

EMILY
Thank you. Why are you doing all this?

LORELAI
I'm just trying to help mum. I don't want you to be stressed.

EMILY
But I am. I'm so stressed out I can't find anything.

LORELAI
What are you looking for?

EMILY
Your father's accountant wants all sorts of information so he can file these taxes, which are apparently due in February.

LORELAI
Maybe I can help.

EMILY
How can you help?

LORELAI
Mom, I have a business. I helped dad set up this business. I went to business school. Here let me see that.

EMILY
What are you doing? Don't touch the computer. You could mess something up.

Lorelai sits down in front of the computer.

LORELAI
Don't worry, mom. I know what I'm doing. Okay, so he's using quicken. A profit and loss statement, a balance sheet, a schedule of assets are things I can pull up. We can e-mail them to the accountant for the 1120.

EMILY
How do you know about 1120s?

LORELAI
Well I have to file them for the inn. The inn's a corporation just like dad's company.

EMILY
Why is everything a corporation?

LORELAI
We incorporated so we were protected from personal liability. So if someone was horribly allergic to pillow mints and wanted to sue me for a million dollars, I wouldn't have to pay for it out of my own pocket.

EMILY
Your father and I don't have anyone who wants to sue us.

LORELAI
Well, dad probably did it for tax purposes. It looks like he's got a couple of different investments, some stocks, a rental building.

Emily walks to a cabinet.

EMILY
Would you like a drink?

LORELAI
Mmm, I thought the house was dry.

EMILY
Vodka or scotch?

Emily pulls out two bottles.

LORELAI
Wow, it's a regular speakeasy.

EMILY
Would you like a drink or not?

LORELAI
Vodka, please.

Opens it ready to drink.

EMILY
I have glasses.

LORELAI
Oh.

EMILY
Serve yourself. Just because your father can't drink doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer. Cheers. 

They drink.

EMILY
Ah! That's better.

LORELAI
Mom, Christopher and I split up.

EMILY
Okay... I hardly know what to say.

LORELAI
Really? That's great. You don't have to say anything at all -- now or ever.

Silent for a few moments. Emily looks at the computer.

EMILY
What's a windmill park?

LORELAI
Uh, it looks like dad owns a couple of windmills in Palm Springs.

EMILY
We own windmills?

LORELAI
Well they're energy generators.

EMILY
I had no idea we owned windmills.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK: RESTAURANT - NIGHT

LOGAN
That lamb was terrific, my compliments to the your friend, the chef.

MITCHUM
Well, you're a good orderer. He's always been a good orderer. Even when he was 8 years old, he's always ordered well.

RORY
It's a good skill to have.

MITCHUM
It is, it is and you know what I should do? I should just order whatever you're ordering, no matter what it is.

LOGAN
Brains it is, followed by sweetbreads and some rocky mountain oysters. 

Logan's cell phone rings.

LOGAN
Oh, this is a business thing, if you guys don't mind. 
(into phone)
Huntzberger here. No, I haven't talked to him yet.

Logan walks off.

MITCHUM
(to Rory)
"Huntzberger here."

RORY
Yeah.

MITCHUM
Last year, if he got a call interrupting dinner, it would be an invitation to go drink some bodies expensive liquor and pull some ridiculous prank. He's growing up.

RORY
Yeah, he's doing really great.

MITCHUM
He is, and it's because of you.

RORY
Oh, I don't know about that.

MITCHUM
No, I know you encouraged him to go to London. I know you used your influence in a positive way, and Logan's mother and I really appreciate it.

RORY
Well, I think Logan deserves all the credit for what he's done.

MITCHUM
No, you're too modest, Rory. You've been a real asset to Logan and to our family.

RORY
Oh, well... thanks.

MITCHUM
I know we've had our differences in the past.

RORY
Yeah.

MITCHUM
But I'm glad to know that we're now clearly on the same page.

RORY
Okay, yeah. Good.

MITCHUM
To being on the same page?

RORY
To being on the same page.

Glasses clink as they toast.

MITCHUM
I am really glad we got the chance to talk tonight. In part, because we still have more work to do.

RORY
What work?

MITCHUM
Well we have to figure out what his next step should be.

RORY
Uh, well, shouldn't he be figuring that out?

MITCHUM
Well, you're part of the team here. And of course we're gonna take care of you, too.

RORY
What do you mean?

MITCHUM
We have newspapers all around the world. You can take your pick.

RORY
My pick?

MITCHUM
Mm-hmm.

RORY
Um, I seem to remember you saying that I didn't have it.

MITCHUM
Oh, please. Things change. Circumstances change.

Logan returns.

LOGAN
Sorry that took so long, have you ever noticed that people in Hong Kong are really chatty?

RORY
No I haven't.

MITCHUM
You know what? That's true. I know a guy from Kowloon, and, man, is he a loquacious son of a bitch.

The waiter brings a piece of cake with a lit candle to the table.

MITCHUM
Oh, here we go.

WAITER
Apricot and walnut Verenikis drizzled with a raspberry reduction.

Rory and Logan look at each other.

MITCHUM
I told them to make something special, for your birthday.

LOGAN
Thanks. It looks great.

RORY
Happy birthday.

MITCHUM
Make a wish.

Logan blows out the single candle on the cupcake size cake.

MITCHUM
There we go.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - NIGHT

They are all in bed, Luke in April's, TJ and Liz in Luke's. Doula is crying. Everyone is awake.

LIZ
Hey.

TJ
Ha?

LIZ
It's your turn.

TJ
Hey, aren't we supposed to let her just cry to toughen her up and whatnot? Isn't that the latest parenting theory?

LIZ
You only believe in that theory when it's your turn.

TJ
All right, all right. I just don't want her getting too soft. She's got a wrestling future to think of. Hey, there, little girl. How are you? 

He picks Doula up.

TJ
How are you? Oh.

LIZ
Do you think Luke is lonely? I mean for real.

Luke is listening.

TJ
He does look a little lonely around the eyes.

LIZ
I think he's lovesick over Lorelai.

TJ
Oh, boy.

LIZ
TJ, I'm serious.

TJ
I just think that he might be better off lonely.

LIZ
I think they belong together.

TJ
That's not what you said when they broke up. I always thought what you said then made a lot of sense, about them being in two different space-time continuums, something like that.

Luke moves in bed and looks at the ceiling.

LIZ
It's all about the wormholes.

TJ
Between the dimensions?

LIZ
Yep, all they've got to do is find the right wormhole.

TJ
I don't know.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, RICHARD'S STUDY - NIGHT

LORELAI
So, if you want to access your bank and credit-card account information, you... ?

EMILY
Click "cash flow center."

LORELAI
Yes, and if you want to see any of these menus, you right-click right, right... yes.

EMILY
And if I want the hidden account bar, I double-click that arrow thing up there on the left.

LORELAI
Mom, exactly.

EMILY
I don't know how I'm gonna do all this.

LORELAI
Mom, what are you talking about you just click, click, click. You got it all down.

EMILY
Now, but I barely understand what you've been telling me. This is your father's job.

LORELAI
Well, he'll be back on the job soon enough.

EMILY
I don't know. Have you seen him? He's wearing a dressing gown.

LORELAI
I know he's watching TV in the bedroom. I know, mom. You've got to give the guy a break. You know he's not gonna watch TV in the bedroom forever.

EMILY
No. No, he's not.

LORELAI
Oh, my god, I don't mean he's gonna die.

EMILY
What are you telling me? That he's going to live forever? That he's immortal? Is that what you're telling me.

LORELAI
No, I'm just saying, with time, you know...

EMILY
It's like a canoe.

LORELAI
What's like a canoe?

EMILY
Life.

LORELAI
Okay.

EMILY
You're just paddling along in a canoe.

LORELAI
Mother, have you ever been in a canoe?

EMILY
Lorelai.

LORELAI
Well I just can't picture you in a canoe.

EMILY
Your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years. Only now, he's dropped the paddle.

LORELAI
Ahh!

EMILY
He just dropped it. Not only that, but now the canoe is going in circles.

LORELAI
Ah!

EMILY
Without your father there, I'm paddling on my side and the canoe is spinning in circles, and the harder I paddle, the faster it spins, and it's hard work, and I'm getting tired.

LORELAI
Dizzy, I would think.

EMILY
You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this.

LORELAI
How does that put me in a kayak?

EMILY
Kayaks have paddles with things on both ends. You steer it by yourself.

LORELAI
Mom, you know how to do things by yourself. You are totally capable.

EMILY
Sure, I went to Smith, and I was a history major, but I never had any plans to be an historian. I was always going to be a wife. I mean, the way I saw it, a woman's job was to run a home, organize the social life of a family, and bolster her husband while he earned a living. It was a good system, and it was working very well all these years. Only when your husband isn't there because he's watching television in a dressing gown, you realize how dependent you are. I didn't even know I owned windmills.

LORELAI
Mom, now you know, and you know how to right-click.

EMILY
But you. You provide for yourself. You're not dependent on anyone.

LORELAI
Hmm.

EMILY
You're independent.

LORELAI
I am kayak, hear me roar.

EMILY
I mean, look at you. For all these years, you've done very well without a husband.

LORELAI
Maybe so, but I still wanted it to work out.

EMILY
You know, the way I was raised, if a married couple split up, it was a disaster, because it meant the system had fallen apart, and it was particularly bad for the woman because she had to go out and find herself another rich husband, only she was older now. But with you, it's not such a disaster, is it?

LORELAI
I guess not.

EMILY
I mean It's really not such a horrible thing that you're going to get a divorce, not really. Oh, you're gonna be fine.

Lorelai flinches a little as Emily rubs her shoulder.

LORELAI
Thanks, mom.

EMILY
You may even marry someone else someday. Who knows?

LORELAI
(snorts)
Who knows?

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Logan and Rory arrive home.

LOGAN
Do you know what I think impressed my dad the most? You eating a 24-ounce steak. Seriously, it was, like, a magic trick to him. It was a pretty fun dinner, though.

RORY
Yeah, it was.

LOGAN
Whoa! Look at all this! Ace! Oh, my god, you got me a piñata!

RORY
Well, you deserve a piñata. I couldn't reach the ceiling, so I just... hey, um, Logan...

LOGAN
Yeah?

RORY
Um... your dad and I had a bit of a weird conversation tonight.

LOGAN
Oh yeah.

RORY
Yeah, he started thanking me for guiding you and steering you, or -- I don't know. And then he said that he and I should start planning your future, like, together.

LOGAN
Well, that's my dad for you.

RORY
Well, it felt really weird. I mean I felt like we were conspiring or something. I didn't even agree with what he was saying. I ended up toasting. I toasted him.

LOGAN
What did you toast?

RORY
"To being on the same page," which I'm not. I'm not even on the same page with him. You know I, I actually think that everything you've accomplished is just because you've worked hard, and I'm proud of you. I don't even know how the conversation ended up where it did.

LOGAN
It's okay you know what just happened? You got Huntzbergered. That's what my dad does to people. He's the master manipulator. You sit down, and you have your own opinions. But by the time you stand up, you hear yourself agreeing with him, and you stagger away confused and queasy.

RORY
Yes! That's exactly it! I got Huntzbergered!

LOGAN
It happens to the best of us.

RORY
Well, I'm glad you're not upset.

LOGAN
No, not at all, I mean, I don't like the fact that the guy thinks of me as some kind of puppet, but I have a hunch that pretty soon, he's gonna have to rethink that one.

RORY
Hmm.

LOGAN
You got me twister. I never had twister.

RORY
You didn't?

LOGAN
No. It was a childhood of deprivation. Oh, and "pin the tail on the --" what animal is that?

Rory puts on some music.

*Music: Concrete Blonde "Happy Birthday"*

RORY
Oh, that was a donkey, but I messed the ears up, put antlers on it. Now it's "pin the tail on the moose."

LOGAN
I never had "pin the tail on the moose" as a boy, either.

RORY
Poor little rich boy. I think that since we're short on time, we should skip strait ahead to the classic 12th birthday -- ice-skating in central park.

LOGAN
Sounds good.

Logan's cell phone rings.

RORY
Great. I'll go change.

LOGAN
(into phone)
Hey, Philip, what's up, man?

INT. NEW YORK: OFFICE - NIGHT

PHILLIP
(into phone)
I'm afraid I've got some grim news.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LOGAN
What, what's going on?

PHILLIP
I just got off the line with our lawyers. They say they just got a cease-and-desist letter from Prism Active, this tech company in Palo Alto, claming prior art on our media 10 platform. They're reviewing the patent now, but...

LOGAN
What do you mean, "prior art"?

PHILLIP
They're claiming patent infringement.

LOGAN
But that's what we bought. Our patent's pending. We bought that technology. That's the entire value of the company.

PHILLIP
But they are saying it's worthless. It was already owned. They were just waiting for someone with deep pockets to buy in before they sued.

LOGAN
Oh, my god.

PHILLIP
I'm so sorry. Happy birthday, man.

Logan is stunned as he hangs up the call.

INT. NEW YORK: LOGAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Rory comes back.

RORY
Okay. Close your eyes.

RORY
Are they closed?

LOGAN
They're closed.

RORY
Okay. Voil.

Rory hands him a hat.

LOGAN
Wow. It's a giant, furry -- what the hell?

RORY
It's a Russian Ushanka, which also doubles as a birthday crown.

She puts the hat on him.

LOGAN
Wow. I bet I look great.

RORY
Mmm, you have no idea.

Logan turns off the music as they leave.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - DAY

Luke enters. Liz and TJ have the kitchen in a mess.

TJ
Hey, Luke.

LUKE
Hey TJ

TJ
You know what you could use? A changing table.

LIZ
Yeah, and if you're getting stuff for your apartment, you should get a dryer.

LUKE
Yeah I'm not getting things. Why do I need a dryer?

LIZ
Sopping towels.

LUKE
And why are the towels sopping?

TJ
My bad. I forgot you said not to use the garbage disposal. Well, not forgot, so much as, I thought you were exaggerating.

LUKE
I wasn't exaggerating.

LIZ
And we have more bad news.

LUKE
Oh, yeah?

TJ
The exterminator said the moths turned out to be rice moths.

LUKE
And this means you'll be staying how much longer?

TJ
Which means we're headed home right now. Most of the stuff's already in the car.

LIZ
Rice moths are a snap to get rid of. They're already gone. It's just a bummer to leave, 'cause we've been having such a good time.

LUKE
Yeah, yeah, but Doula should be in her own home.

TJ
That's what we thought, plus your mattress. Not so comfortable, shall we say.

LUKE
Yeah, well, sorry about that.

TJ
No worries, no worries, but, uh, put it on the list of things you're gonna fix around here. All right, then.

LUKE
Alright.

TJ
Thanks again.

LUKE
Okay.

TJ
Your casa is my casa. For that, I'm grateful.

LIZ
You take care.

LUKE
Alright.

LIZ
And call if you're feeling lonely. We will come and visit. Okay, anytime. Anytime.

LUKE
Sounds great.

LIZ
Anytime I mean it. Bye.

LUKE
Bye.

Liz and TJ are out. Liz shuts the door.

LUKE
(sighs)
Oh.

Luke sits down at the table and looks at the phone.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - DAY

Emily is reading the paper and Lorelai enters.

LORELAI
Good morning.

EMILY
Good morning. Would you like some coffee?

Lorelai sits down and pours herself some coffee.

LORELAI
Yes. Oh, I woke up this morning, and I've got to say, for the first time in my life, I got where the teetotalers are coming from. If I had a hatchet and a barrel of booze, forget about it.

EMILY
Hmm.

LORELAI
What are you up to today?

EMILY
Today? I'm going to attend a D.A.R. Lecture on native American art work. Then I have a lunch with Sarah Montgomery Brown and Melissa Seria, and, of course, I'll have my hands full canceling the party. I've already called the florist and the hall. We'll only get 60% of our deposit back, but that's better than nothing.

LORELAI
I should go. I need time to change before I have to go to the inn.

EMILY
Fine. 

Lorelai starts to leave.

EMILY
Thank you for your help with the Quicken last night.

LORELAI
(sighs)
You're welcome.

>_END OF SHOW_<