The Annotated Guide to Gilmore girls

>_TEASER_<

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating chocolate fondue.

EMILY
This feels so decadent. Isn't this decadent?

RORY
Very decadent.

LORELAI
Are there more marshmallows?

EMILY
All you two have been dipping is the marshmallows! You haven't touched the kiwi, or the pineapple, or the tangelo slices.

RORY
But it's fruit.

EMILY
Fruit is good for you.

RORY
We're fondue purists, Grandma.

LORELAI
Yeah, we dip old school.

EMILY
The government says you should have nine servings of fruit and vegetables per day.

LORELAI
Imperialist propaganda.

RORY
I think Noam Chomsky would agree.

LORELAI
I bet Noam doesn't dip fruit.

RORY
Or laugh. Ever seen that punim on him?

LORELAI
Easter Island.

EMILY
Luminista, please bring more marshmallows.

LORELAI
Bless you.

EMILY
So, I'd love to get your opinion on something.

RORY
Sure.

The maid brings more marshmallows.

EMILY
The City Ballet is in trouble. We've given so much over the years, but it's never enough to cover everything they need.

RORY
I hate that.

EMILY
So, we're trying something new. Select patrons, such as myself, are sponsoring individual dancers. Help me pick one.

Emily opens up a blue folder next to her and hands Rory and Lorelai cards out of it.

LORELAI
Pick what?

EMILY
My dancer! I get to take one home. Bios are on the back.

LORELAI
And this is legal?

EMILY
Of course it's legal.

RORY
(shrugs)
Do you want a boy or a girl, Grandma?

EMILY
I'm thinking a little girl. Cute and petite.

RORY
They're all petite.

LORELAI
But not all cute. This one should fouetter over to the dermatologist.

Loralai holds up a picture.

EMILY
Oh, yes, I'd rather not look at that.

LORELAI
Really, Mom, this is a little bit creepy.

EMILY
It's not creepy! We're endowing dancers so that they don't have to worry about money. It's nice.

LORELAI
Well, Gregorio here looks pretty well-endowed already.

She passes his card to Rory.

RORY
Here's a little cutie patootie.

She passes the card to Emily.

EMILY
Oh, she's darling! Look at those little feet!

RORY
(to Lorelai)
Whoa, you were right! This Gregorio guy, what's up with that?

EMILY
Rory!

LORELAI
Just a little girl talk, Mom. Who are we offending?

EMILY
Let's make two piles. One for the maybes, one for the nos.

LORELAI
Sandpaper face is a no?

EMILY
Definitely.

RORY
What about Endowment Boy?

EMILY
The maybes.

RORY
You go, Grandma.

LORELAI
(to Rory)
I bet Gregorio would be good dipped in chocolate.

Rory laughs. Emily looks on, disapprovingly.

LORELAI
Sorry.

>_END OF TEASER_<

EXT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DRIVEWAY - NIGHT

Rory and Lorelai are transferring boxes from Rory's trunk to the back of Lorelai's Jeep.

LORELAI
I don't know. Adopting a ballet dancer? The whole thing sounds very shady.

RORY
It's good to support the arts any way we can, even the shady-sounding ways. Hey, you took my book bag! I need that!

LORELAI
Oops, sorry.

She pulls the book bag out of her Jeep.

LORELAI
So you really think that transferring your stuff bit by bit like this is the way to go, huh? Easier than renting something, doing it all at once?

RORY
Oh, you really want to re-live the U-haul incident of May 2004?

LORELAI
Ah! You make one iffy u-turn.

RORY
We were in a tunnel!

LORELAI
A wide tunnel.

RORY
Going the wrong way down a one-way street.

LORELAI
They don't let you forget.

RORY
Yeah, I've got that elephant's memory when it comes to nearly dying. Hey, you took my book bag again!

LORELAI
Ah!

RORY
So, hey. Let's finalize our plans for Thursday.

LORELAI
Right. So Jackson says that Sookie has been napping between eleven and twelve-thirty every day. We can count on it.

RORY
Must be nice to nap without feeling guilty.

LORELAI
Get pregnant and you'll have an excuse.

RORY
No thanks.

LORELAI
So, meet me at their house at noon. Bring decorations and she'll wake up to a nice, fun, surprise baby shower.

RORY
You got it.

LORELAI
I think it's cool we waited this long to throw it. She's totally not going to expect it.

RORY
Plus we forgot.

LORELAI
But only we know that.

RORY
And I'm not telling.

LORELAI
Good. Bye, hon.

They kiss on the cheek. Rory closes her trunk.

RORY
Mom, my purse!

LORELAI
Oh, sorry.

She gestures hopelessly at the packed-full Jeep.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Kirk is sitting at one of the tables.

KIRK
Luke, can I have a word with you?

LUKE
Yes.

KIRK
You overcharged me for the toast. It's only supposed to be a dollar.

LUKE
I didn't overcharge you, Kirk. I raised the price of wheat toast. It's a dollar ten.

KIRK
You're kidding.

LUKE
I don't do toast humor.

KIRK
A dollar ten from a dollar? That's a ten percent bump.

LUKE
It's a dime, Kirk.

KIRK
I could refuse to pay.

LUKE
Then I'll steal your bike.

KIRK
That's never worked before.

LUKE
I haven't raised the price of my toast in seven years, Kirk. It's still a bargain.

KIRK
I'll give you a dollar four.

LUKE
No.

KIRK
A dollar five. That's my last offer.

LUKE
Do I look like E-bay?

KIRK
I take my toast dry. Isn't there a butter and jam discount?

LUKE
No.

KIRK
What about your chairs? I'm light, and I tend to plop my butt directly on the chair without sliding, so there's practically no wear and tear.

LUKE
There's no discount for direct butt-plopping.

KIRK
What about--

LUKE
Fine. A dollar five. It's a dollar five. You got it.

KIRK
Thanks. That's very nice of you.

Lorelai enters.

LORELAI
(to Luke)
Hey!

They kiss.

LUKE
You raise something from a dollar to a dollar ten, is that such a big deal?

LORELAI
Well, that's ten percent, so percentage-wise it's not so tiny--

Luke and Kirk gesture at each other.

LORELAI
Did I step into something here?

LUKE
You know, I shouldn't have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people.

He points at Kirk above his head.

LORELAI
Hey.

She holds up a magazine.

LUKE
Hey! Your cover!

LORELAI
I got an advance copy!

They walk to the counter.

LUKE
Oh, look at the inn! It looks beautiful.

LORELAI
I know.

LUKE
I've got to get a new pair of pants.

LORELAI
Okay. That didn't exactly follow.

LUKE
You know, for the party they're going to throw you.

LORELAI
You don't need new pants. You just need pants. And the party's in New York, so you may not even need pants.

LUKE
I've got to get a copy.

She hands him a copy.

LORELAI
You've got a connection.

LUKE
I want to get a bunch, though. Frame one or two of them. How's the article? What's it say?

LORELAI
It was then, sadly, that I discovered Luke could not read.

LUKE
You know what I mean.

LORELAI
People are going to think I wrote it. I mean, it's big. I nearly cried when I read it.

LUKE
Good.

LORELAI
And the fact that when Emily Gilmore reads it, she's going to hire men to attack me with tire irons, well, that's something else altogether.

LUKE
What'd they put in?

LORELAI
Not every heinous thing I said about her, but enough. I mean, it's good stuff, it's funny. Maybe if I just told them not the face.

LUKE
Who?

LORELAI
The guys, with the tire irons.

LUKE
I think you should just show it to her and get it over with.

LORELAI
Mm, maybe. Yeah. You're probably right.

The phone rings. Caesar picks it up.

CAESAR
(into phone)
Hello.
(pause)
Hold on.

He presses the phone to his chest.

CAESAR
(to Luke)
Hey, Luke, it's for you. It's Taylor.

LORELAI
Caesar! You just broke Luke's standing ‘when Taylor calls I'm out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window' rule.

Taylor gestures excitedly through the window.

CAESAR
I can tell him you're out, and that Duke, your evil identical twin is in town.

LUKE
No, no. I'll take it. I actually have to discuss something with him.

He takes the phone.

LUKE
(into phone)
Hello.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Luke! Hey, buddy!

LUKE
(into phone)
Hey. Buddy.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
So the powers that be have signed off on you purchasing the Twickham house! All that's left is dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

LUKE
(into phone)
Okay. Fine.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Ooh, sorry. Lorelai's there, can't talk now, right?

LUKE
(into phone)
Pretty much.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
You know I'm a bit of a romantic, Luke. The thought of you buying this house for your burgeoning family is quite touching. I almost tear up. Heh. Adds to the tax base, too.

LUKE
(into phone)
Well, good. Talk to you later.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Goodbye!

They hang up.

LORELAI
Wow. You and Taylor seem to be getting on very well these days.

LUKE
Yeah, well. He's been cooperating with me on certain matters.

KIRK
Luke! I think the sales tax is off by a penny! In fact, I'm sure of it. I'm ready to go to the mat on this one.

LUKE
(to Lorelai)
Those guys with the tire irons. Where did your mother get them?

LORELAI
The D.A.R. And they don't work for outsiders.

LUKE
(sighs)
Show me the penny, Kirk.

CUT TO:

INT. STAMFORD: STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE, NEWSROOM - DAY

Rory gets off the elevator with her arms full of files. She smiles at some men that walk by, and begins hurrying around, busily.

RORY
Hey, Al. Hey, Pete. Hey, Lance.

She hands a file to a woman.

RORY
(to woman)
This goes to metro, a.s.a.p.

WOMAN
Okay.

CHARLIE
Rory, if you see Patel, tell him I'm looking for him.

RORY
Got it.

She delivers some files to an office full of reporters.

RORY
Need ‘em back by five, gentlemen.

MAN
Thanks, beautiful.

RORY
Manners, boys.

HARRY
Rory, you got those obituaries?

RORY
Yeah, just give me five minutes.

HARRY
Lot of dying today.

RORY
I hear that.

She hands off her last file to a man rushing down the hall.

MAN
Thank you!

RORY
Oh, Patel. Charlie wants to see you.

PATEL
You remember Audrey?

RORY
I can.

PATEL
Give her this.

RORY
Okay, will do.

Logan steps off the elevator.

LOGAN
(to Rory)
Hey, Ace!

RORY
Hey! You're early.

LOGAN
Well, there's a first for everything. Where's the fire?

RORY
Oh, just south of the ninety-five. It's a four-alarm. We've got Kessler on it.

She delivers the file to Audrey, the receptionist.

RORY
This is from Patel.

AUDREY
I'm not talking to him.

RORY
I'll tell him.
(to Logan)
How did you know about the fire?

LOGAN
(laughs)
I didn't. I meant where are you going in such a hurry?

RORY
Oh. I'm at half-speed compared to this morning.

They arrive back at her workstation.

RORY
Oh, no.

LOGAN
What?

RORY
I'm gone for five minutes and this place becomes a dumping ground.

LOGAN
I'm loving the totally non-generic feel of your space, here.

RORY
I have customized it somewhat.

She points to a picture on the wall.

LOGAN
Eccentric uncle?

RORY
Brian Eno.

LOGAN
I was close. So let's go.

RORY
It's four-thirty.

LOGAN
So cut out early. There's nothing going on here.

RORY
We're doing our rough front page. We're picking our leads, our photos. It's our busiest part of the day.

LOGAN
So the people of Stamford don't get their paper tomorrow, they'll turn on the radio.

RORY
I can't go.

LOGAN
I know the boss.

RORY
So do I.

LOGAN
But I know how to work the boss. At least a little. I know he's somewhere in the vicinity.

RORY
Who, your dad?

LOGAN
Can't you sense it? The flurry, the shuffle of sycophants--

Mitchum waks up to them.

MITCHUM
(to Logan)
Hey! Someone new. Have we been introduced?

They shake hands over the partition.

LOGAN
Jose Canseco, post-steroids. Should be a warning to people.

MITCHUM
(to Logan)
Are you keeping Rory from her work?

RORY
I was just about to call security.

MITCHUM
(to Rory)
Does everyone know about the--

RORY
Noon on Friday, main conference room, come with your game.

MITCHUM
Good.
(to Logan)
You call your mother about the Vineyard?

LOGAN
She's on my list.

MITCHUM
(to Rory)
Push him on that, won't you?

Rory nods.

MITCHUM
(to Rory)
I'm going to four if you want to catch up.

RORY
Okay.

MITCHUM
See you.

Mitchum walks down the hall.

LOGAN
Enjoy four.
(to Rory)
What's four?

RORY
Fourth floor.

LOGAN
You news people and your jargon.

RORY
We have our own language.

LOGAN
So he treating you all right?

RORY
Who, your dad? They've been great.

LOGAN
You sure?

RORY
Yeah?

LOGAN
Just checking. So what do you think about Friday.

RORY
An excellent alternative to Thursday.

LOGAN
My sister's engagement party?

RORY
Oh, right. I'm going to try. I'm dying to see the yacht.

LOGAN
Well, it's going to be full of Honor's ditzy friends, but the harbor's cool. Try and leave your grandparent's dinner early. They get you every Friday night, why not let me have one?

RORY
You're very one-note today.

LOGAN
Well, I miss you, Ace.

RORY
Well, I'll have more free time once finals are over and summer's here, unless I get that summer job here.

LOGAN
Well, you're probably a shoo-in. My father seems to like you.

RORY
Oh, I hope so! I love it here.

LOGAN
Okay. So, I'll just go hang somewhere till you're done?

RORY
I'll be done six-thirty, seven at the latest.

LOGAN
(whines)
Ace!

RORY
Six forty-five.

They kiss.

LOGAN
So, maybe I'll be hanging on two, or five. Is that the right
terminology?

RORY
You're getting it!

He leaves.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW YORK: STREET - NIGHT

Luke and Lorelai are riding around in a limo.

*Music: "Oblivious" by Aztec Camera*

LORELAI
Come on! Please.

LUKE
I'm done.

LORELAI
No, you can't be done.

LUKE
I'm done!

LORELAI
There's more, I know it! It's germinating.

LUKE
I'm done, I'm at peace. There is no more.
(pause)
Just the smell of Manhattan!

LORELAI
I knew it. There was more.

LUKE
I mean, forget about the smells you can't identify. The ones you can identify are putrid! I mean, if it's not that rank smell of hot dog gushing out of those dirty sidewalk carts, it's the stench of the subway pouring out of the dirty grates! I mean, the manhole-cover steam? God knows what that steam is. You can't get a breath of fresh air!

LORELAI
Go, Luke! Rant, Luke!

LUKE
The whole city is a decaying heap. It's too many people crammed into too many buildings on too small a piece of land. It's an experiment that's failed. They should just give the whole island a push and float it over to Europe.

LORELAI
But after we see Spamalot! Right? I paid a lot for those tickets.

LUKE
I'm fine with an urban environment. But you need land around your space. Air to breathe.

He takes a deep breath.

LUKE
I'm done again.

LORELAI
I love ranting Luke.

LUKE
Why does this song keep playing?

LORELAI
Because I put the CD player on repeat with my fancy remote in my fancy limo. Hey, do a limo rant. I bet that's a good one.

LUKE
No, that's right they sent you a limo. You deserve it.

LORELAI
And it enabled us to drink and not drive.

LUKE
That's good too.

LORELAI
Hey, I heard there was good food at this party.

LUKE
I heard that too.

LORELAI
Huh. Never made it to the food, did we?

LUKE
I had three peppermints I took from the bowl in the men's room, gave the attendant a five, ‘cause it's all I had.

LORELAI
Made it to the bar, though.

LUKE
Yeah. We should've eaten something before we went.

LORELAI
Who knew we'd keep missing the trays?

LUKE
But I'm not hungry. But I'm something, what am I?

LORELAI
You're drunk.

LUKE
(laughs)
Right. I haven't been drunk in years.

LORELAI
Hey, have I thanked you enough for escorting me, and being such a good sport and shaking hands with all the big city folk you don't like, and putting extra cherries in my Manhattan?

LUKE
Yeah. You did.

LORELAI
There'll be more thanking. Later on tonight.

They make out.

LORELAI
Tastes like peppermint.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, APARTMENT - DAY

Lorelai wakes up with Luke's arm over her. She gets up, wrapped in a sheet, and looks around. She finds her dress on the floor near the open door. She looks alarmed.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: SOOKIE'S HOUSE - DAY

Lorelai walks around the front of Rory's car.

LORELAI
Hi, you're late.

Rory gets out of the car.

RORY
Sorry. Oh, it's only a little after noon. I'm not that late.

LORELAI
Well, we have very limited time during Sookie's nap, here. I just don't want to blow it. Hold on.

Lorelai notices the bags Rory is carrying.

LORELAI
You went to Doose's for baby shower decorations?

RORY
Well, I didn't know where else to go.

LORELAI
A decoration store.

RORY
Is there such a thing?

LORELAI
Yes. What did you get?

RORY
Um, poppers. Taylor had nine left.

LORELAI
Okay, well, there's ten of us, so someone doesn't get to pop.

RORY
Well, I'll pass on the pop. And there's plates, and cups, and--

Lorelai grabs the cups.

LORELAI
Chicks being hatched? That's Easter.

RORY
No, I know, but I figured hatching is birth, so we're right on topic there. Seventy percent off, too.

LORELAI
What else?

RORY
Uh, New Year's Eve balloons with Father Time and the New Year's baby on them. We'll blow them up and cheat the old man side to the wall so we can't see it, and then change the word ‘year' so it says ‘happy new baby'.

LORELAI
Oh, that's just sad.

RORY
Hey, what's with the attitude?

LORELAI
No attitude.

RORY
You've been Anne Sexton since I pulled up.

LORELAI
Sorry. Think I just slept a little funny. All right. Come on, let's get up in there while we still have the chance.

RORY
Okay.

They begin to go into the house, but Sookie and Jackson burst through the door. Rory and Lorelai scream as they get pushed out of the way.

JACKSON
Look out! Coming through!

SOOKIE
It's happening! It's happening!

LORELAI
Oh my God, it's happening?

RORY
You mean it's happening, happening?

SOOKIE
It's coming round the mountain.

RORY
Oh, I can't watch this!

JACKSON
Go get her suitcase! It's by the front door.

RORY
I'll grab her suitcase!

She runs into the house.

SOOKIE
Oh, I'm freaking out Rory!

LORELAI
It's okay. She's a traditionalist. When she has a baby, she's going to be out in the waiting room, pacing and smoking.

Rory returns with the suitcase.

RORY
We should have thrown her the baby shower earlier! Then I wouldn't have had to watch this.

Sookie gets into the van.

SOOKIE
Oh, you guys were going to throw me a baby shower?

LORELAI
We were going to set it up during your nap.

JACKSON
(to Sookie)
Want a boost?

SOOKIE
I can make it.

RORY
Oh, God.

Rory has her eyes shut.

LORELAI
Watch it.

RORY
Sorry, I just really don't want to see what's coming round the mountain.

Jackson gets into the driver's seat.

JACKSON
(to Lorelai and Rory)
See you guys at the hospital?

LORELAI
Yeah, you'll see me.

RORY
Yeah, I have to go back to Yale.

LORELAI
Plus she's thoroughly sickened by what's happening to you right now.

RORY
I'm not sickened, it's finals time. I'm stressed.

SOOKIE
Ooh! Contraction!

RORY
Oh, that's pretty sickening.

JACKSON
Hang on.

LORELAI
Sorry you didn't get your party.

SOOKIE
One little no-name to come.

JACKSON
We'll see you there.

LORELAI
See you there.

RORY
Mm-hm.

Jackson and Sookie drive away. Lorelai looks at Rory, who still has her eyes squeezed shut.

LORELAI
You are going to open your eyes when you drive back to Yale, right?

RORY
Yes. I'm just giving them a five minute head start. We're taking the same road.

LORELAI
Good thinking, honey.

She kisses her head.

LORELAI
Bye.

RORY
Bye.

Lorelai leaves. Rory opens one eye and peeks down the street.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Luke serves coffee. Kirk is reading the paper and laughing.

KIRK
I know he wants the bone. I know there's going to be a complication getting the bone, but Marmaduke still cracks me up every time.

Luke fills Kirk's coffee cup.

KIRK
Refills are still free, right?

LUKE
Yep. They're still free.

The phone rings. Luke picks it up.

LUKE
(into phone)
Luke's.

Taylor is in his soda shop and can be seen through the window.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Luke, it's Taylor.

LUKE
(into phone)
Oh, hey, Taylor, how's it going?

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Not so well. I mean, for you. It's going very well for me. I just had a group of German tourists come in and they've been shoveling it in since they sat down.

LUKE
(into phone)
What do you mean, it's not going well for me?

TAYLOR
(into phone)
It's the Twickham house. Someone has put in a competing offer.

LUKE
(into phone)
A competing - Taylor! You promised that house to me!

TAYLOR
(into phone)
And I did all that I could! But this other offer includes a substantial down payment in cash! The powers that be are seriously considering selling the house to this fellow townsman of yours!

LUKE
(into phone)
I'll up my offer.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
This guy'll just up his, then! He's got vast resources!

LUKE
(into phone)
How many resources can he have? He's living in Stars Hollow!

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Luke, he's willing to put down a quarter of a million dollars!

LUKE
(into phone)
What? That can't be right!

TAYLOR
(into phone)
That's what it is.

LUKE
(into phone)
I know everyone in this stinking town. What fellow townsman has a quarter of a million dollars in cash?

TAYLOR
(into phone)
I'm not sure I'm at liberty to say.

LUKE
(into phone)
Tell me, Taylor.

TAYLOR
(into phone)
Okay.

Luke is shocked.

LUKE
(into phone)
Say that name again?
(pause)
I'll talk to you later.

He walks over to Kirk's table.

KIRK
Sally Forth is on fire today. On fire!

LUKE
Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!

KIRK
What? I don't have a quarter of a million dollars.

LUKE
You don't?

KIRK
No. Just shy. It's $247,868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.

LUKE
Where the hell did you get that much money?

KIRK
I've been working for eleven years, Luke. I've had fifteen thousand jobs. I've saved every dollar I've ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I don't want to brag.

LUKE
You put a competing offer on the Twickham house.

KIRK
That's right. It's the perfect place for me and Lulu.

LUKE
You know I have an offer on that house.

KIRK 
(shrugs)
I've heard talk to that effect.

LUKE
Take it back. Take back the offer.

KIRK
No. You take yours back.

LUKE
I had a deal with Taylor before you even knew that house was available!

KIRK
You get it in writing?

LUKE
No! But--

KIRK
Mm. An oral agreement's only as good as the paper it's written on. Hey, that would be a good line for Dennis the Menace after he fails to mow Mr. Wilson's lawn. I should send that in.

LUKE
This is not going to go down this way. You are not getting that house.

KIRK
Au contraire, my friend. I happen to know that your credit's not exactly stellar.

LUKE
My credit?

KIRK
Granted, you've got some real estate holdings, but your cash flow's been flat for three years, and unless you're willing to sell off assets, you may be able to swing no more than a five percent down payment, which makes you a real estate risk.

LUKE
How do you know the state of my assets?

KIRK
That's the power of deep pockets, Luke. Put a solid buck in the right hands and they babble like parrots.

LUKE
Well, I am one of Stars Hollow Bank's oldest customers. I'm not anticipating any problems.

KIRK
Well, I'm Stars Hollow Bank's biggest customer. I think that means more.

LUKE
I don't believe this! You're swimming in cash and you fought me over a ten cent raise on toast!

KIRK
And you folded like a road map. That might explain the discrepancy in our net worths. So, I think I will have those donuts to go. You've got change for a hundred, right?

Luke stares at him, then marches out, slamming the door.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: TAYLOR'S OLDE SODA SHOPPE - DAY

Taylor is still serving the Germans.

TAYLOR
(to customer)
Das ist gut, ya?

Luke storms in.

LUKE
I want to talk to the town elders!

TAYLOR
The town elders?

LUKE
You keep talking about the powers that be. That's the town elders, right?

TAYLOR
Yes.

LUKE
Well, they oversee the town assets, the real estate, I want to see them.

TAYLOR
They won't go for that, Luke.

LUKE
Why?

TAYLOR
It isn't how it's done! They don't deal with the public. They're the final arbiters. What they say goes.

LUKE
I'm seeing them.

TAYLOR
But--

LUKE
Arrange it.

Luke glares, and then leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL, SOOKIE'S ROOM - DAY

Jackson is walking alongside Sookie, who is being pushed in a wheelchair by a nurse. Lorelai follows behind. They arrive at Sookie's room.

JACKSON
Are you breathing, honey?

SOOKIE
I'm breathing. Hey, was that Andy Dick out in the hallway?

JACKSON
No, honey. This happened last time. You go into labor, you start thinking you see famous people.

SOOKIE
Right. Suddenly my midwife was Wolf Blitzer.

LORELAI
Hey, you need me to unpack you?

NURSE
You probably don't have to. We have everything she needs all set up.

Sookie gets into bed. The nurse leaves the room.

JACKSON
You know, we guys always pack a suitcase. Useless. So, have you been thinking about names? I'm leaning toward Ethan for a boy. Or Glenda if it's a girl. Although I like Martha, too. And Rupert for a boy.

SOOKIE
They're all good, sweetie.

JACKSON
Hey, whatever we don't use, we just save for the next one, right?

SOOKIE
Right, right. The next one.

JACKSON
(to Lorelai)
Hey, will you stay with her? I've got to go call my most delivery guys and let them know what's happening.

LORELAI
Yep. I'll be here.

Jackson leaves.

LORELAI
(to Sooki)
Comfortable?

SOOKIE
I am, Penelope Cruz.

They laugh. Lorelai pulls an apple out of her purse.

SOOKIE
Really?

LORELAI
What?

SOOKIE
You're eating an apple?

LORELAI
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll put it away.

SOOKIE
No, eat! I'm just surprised, it's not your thing.

LORELAI
I know! But we were by a vending machine checking you in. It was there, and it looked good.

She takes a bite.

SOOKIE
It does look good. Oh, it looks like Ben Stiller.

LORELAI
Hm.

She examines the apple.

LORELAI
Um, hey, Sookie, um, when did you know for sure?

SOOKIE
About what?

LORELAI
That you were pregnant. How could you tell?

SOOKIE
Don't you remember? ‘Norman Mailer!'

LORELAI
Mm. Right, right. Norman Mailer.

SOOKIE
I wonder how Norman is. I had a dream about him the other night, and he was yelling at someone to shut up and read Joyce.

LORELAI
How long was the Norman Mailer moment after you and Jackson, uh, conceived?

SOOKIE
Wow. Uh, well, I don't know, a few weeks?

LORELAI
It was weeks?

SOOKIE
I think.

LORELAI
And you didn't know before? Not a feeling, or anything?

SOOKIE
I don't know. You've had one before, don't you remember?

LORELAI
Yeah. It's been a while.

SOOKIE
Why are you asking?

LORELAI
Oh, I don't know. Just being in a maternity ward makes me wonder about these things.

The nurse walks up.

NURSE
(to Lorelai)
I'm going to see how far along she is. We'll be a couple of minutes.

LORELAI
Oh, sure.
(whispers to Sookie)
She looks like Marlo Thomas.

SOOKIE
See? It's not just me.

LORELAI
I'll be outside.

Lorelai walks out into:

INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING AREA - DAY

Lorelai interrupts a doctor who is walking by.

LORELAI
(to doctor)
Oh, excuse me, uh, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Yes.

LORELAI
Hi. You're not off to save a life, are you?

DOCTOR
Not at the moment.

LORELAI
Okay. Just, quick question. Um, pregnancy tests. What's the deal with them now? I haven't taken one in a couple of decades, and I was just wondering if they work any differently.

DOCTOR
No, they're more accurate now, but the process is similar.

LORELAI
Okay, so let's say you do it. Have sex. You know. How soon after can a test tell you anything?

DOCTOR
At least two weeks.

LORELAI
Not two days?

DOCTOR
It won't be definitive after just two days.

LORELAI
Boy. Sword of Damocles is really hovering over you for a couple weeks, there, huh?

DOCTOR
Pretty much.

LORELAI
Home tests can be pretty tricky, too. Can't buy one where I live, because people would see, and talk - it's a small town. And even afterwards, the garbage man could see the box in the trash, and blab, and you know, I like my garbage man, but again, it's a small town. It's not your problem. So, there's no machine?

DOCTOR
Machine?

LORELAI
Yeah, a machine you could stick me in. You know, putting pig vessels in people. Isn't there a machine that could tell me right away, away from the prying eyes of the garbage man?

DOCTOR
You really need to wait and take the test at the proper time.

LORELAI
Okay, see, I'm eating an apple. Now, normally, this would not be a sign of anything except hunger. Except I don't eat much fruit. I know I should, but I don't have a hankering for it. Had it when I was pregnant with my first kid, though. Kept craving those apples. And this morning, boy, was I craving an apple.

DOCTOR
Well, that could be a sign.

LORELAI
It could?

DOCTOR
Or not.

LORELAI
Okay. You're nice. You're sweet. I've taken up too much of your time. Thank you.

DOCTOR
No problem.

LORELAI
Okay.

The doctor leaves her. Her cell phone rings. Lorelai sits down and answers.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hello?

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

EMILY
(into phone)
Lorelai, it's your mother. I just have a quick question.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LORELAI
Okay.

EMILY
Well, I got my ballerina.

LORELAI
Oh, which one? Sachenka?

EMILY
No, I waited too long, and Mitzi Hertford sure scooped her up. It's okay, because Sachenka tore a ligament last year and is probably washed up. I got Paola.

LORELAI
Oh, Paola.

EMILY
Blond hair, bullet body. So petite, but thighs that could break concrete.

LORELAI
Sounds good.

EMILY
They delivered her this morning and I have to tell you, it's been so much fun! She speaks this charming broken English, and everything is so new and fresh to her.

LORELAI
I'm glad. So what's up?

EMILY
Well, Paola wandered into your room looking for the bathroom, she really doesn't know left from right, and she found that old toy of yours, the magic eight ball.

LORELAI
I can't believe that's still there.

EMILY
And she is mesmerized by it. She's been playing with it ever since, asking it questions. She won't put it down. And I was just wondering if I can let her keep it?

LORELAI
Oh, sure.

EMILY
It's practically glued to her hand.

LORELAI
Hmm. Whatever Paola wants, Paola gets.

EMILY
Good. Thank you!

PAOLA
It is yes! Yes! I'm going to be rich!

EMILY
I just want to hug the stuffing out of her! You'll meet her tomorrow night at dinner.

LORELAI
I'm looking forward to it.

EMILY
Bye, and thanks again!

LORELAI
Bye, Mom.

She hangs up, and dials another number.

INT. NEW HAVEN: YALE UNIVERSITY, CAFETERIA - DAY

Rory is on a couch reading.

RORY
(into phone)
Hey, how's it going?

INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING AREA - DAY

LORELAI
(into phone)
Oh, fine. She's all checked in, breathing normally, contracting painfully. The cursing should start any time now, everything's as it should be.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RORY
Good. I mean, that was weird, wasn't it? She was like, what, a week and a half early?

LORELAI
Yeah, those little buggers tend to come when they want to come.

RORY
I still can't get ‘coming round the mountain' out of my mind. It's like one of those phrases, like ‘drop it like it's hot' that I really wish I'd never heard.

LORELAI
Hey, um.

She glances at the guy sitting to her right, and gets up.

LORELAI
You're doing everything you need to do in that area, right?

RORY
What area?

LORELAI
Um, protection, to prevent something from coming round the mountain.

RORY
I hope so!

LORELAI
Hope? This is not an area where hope is good enough.

RORY
I think I have it covered, and that wasn't meant to be a euphemism.

LORELAI
Okay, ‘think' is not good enough either. What kind of birth control do you use?

RORY
Um.

She glances around her.

RORY
I'm in the dining hall!

LORELAI
That was not my question.

RORY
People are, like, three feet away from me.

LORELAI
Listen, all I'm saying is you cannot leave it up to the guy, okay? They are not reliable.

RORY
I don't leave it up to the guy!

LORELAI
They get into this state, you know? Primordial. It's all very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding, and believe me, you are going to regret that later. I use that as an example because I know you like pudding.

RORY
Okay.

LORELAI
You have got to figure, if he shoots, he scores. I mean, look around you.

She looks around.

LORELAI
There are babies popping out all over the place.

RORY
You are in a maternity ward! You've got a skewed sample there.

LORELAI
So you're caught up on the subject?

RORY
You've caught me up. Society has caught me up. The health channel on cable has caught me up. Miss Driscoll, the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High has caught me up--

LORELAI
Miss Driscoll. Right, like she would ever need birth control.

RORY
I'm caught up. Honest.

LORELAI
Okay. Good.

RORY
Mom. What's going on with you?

LORELAI
Nothing.

RORY
Mom.

LORELAI
(sighs)
I might be pregnant.

RORY
Oh.
(pause)
So, that's where this is coming from.

LORELAI
I blame Mom. She never sat me down for the talk. And Miss Driscoll. She had her chance too, all those PTA meetings, and all she ever talked about was golf.

RORY
How did this happen? I mean, if it's true?

LORELAI
Luke and I came home from the magazine party the other night. We were a little loopy and it got - primordial. All roadblocks down. I mean, I was always beyond careful. The last time I had my roadblocks down was, I don't know, count how old you are to the day and add nine months.

RORY
But, that doesn't mean--

LORELAI
I just ate an apple.

RORY
Uh oh.

LORELAI
Yeah, and I liked it.

RORY
Whoa.

LORELAI
My body is telling me something.

RORY
Maybe it's not telling you what you think it is. Maybe it's just telling you to better comply with the government's recommendations for fruit and vegetable intake. That's not just propaganda, you know.

LORELAI
Maybe.

RORY
And--

LORELAI
What?

RORY
Well, would it be so horrible? I mean, it's Luke.
(pause)
It is Luke?

LORELAI
Yes, it's Luke!

RORY
Well, you guys are so close, it could be headed somewhere.

LORELAI
I know, but not right now, hon. It's early for us. You know? I mean, my life is going really good, just the inn and this new potential opportunity, and, you know. I just got rid of you. It's the first time in my life I've gotten to feel like a single, grownup woman. Now is just not the right time.

RORY
Okay. Well, maybe it's not true.

LORELAI
Yeah. Maybe.

RORY
But what are you going to do if it is?

LORELAI
I could really use my magic eight ball about now. I'm going to let you go, hon.

RORY
Keep me posted.

LORELAI
Okay. Bye.

They hang up. Lorelai watches a pregnant woman get pushed by in a wheelchair.

CUT TO:

INT. STAMFORD: STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE, MEETING ROOM - DAY

Rory is setting out notepads and pencils around the empty table. Mitchum enters.

MITCHUM
I'm early?

RORY
A little.

MITCHUM
It's not ten after twelve?

RORY
Oh, your watch must be fast.

MITCHUM
My wife probably set it ahead to get me home earlier. Never works.

RORY
It's eleven forty-nine.

Mitchum re-sets his watch, looks around.

MITCHUM
Charmless, isn't it?

RORY
The room?

MITCHUM
Needs plants.

RORY
I can get plants.

MITCHUM
Ever been to the Tribunals? Chicago?

RORY
No.

MITCHUM
Cathedrals. Go if you ever get the chance.

RORY
I will.

Her cell phone rings. She ignores it.

MITCHUM
Going to get that?

RORY
Um, I'm not done here.

MITCHUM
You've got ten minutes.

He sits.

MITCHUM
I'm going to stay here, catch up on e-mails and make everyone really uncomfortable that I beat them here.

RORY
Sounds good.

She walks out:

INT. STAMFORD: STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE, NEWSROOM - DAY

Rory answers her phone

RORY
(into phone)
Hey you!

INT. HOSPITAL, WAITING AREA - DAY

LORELAI
(into phone)
It's a girl.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

RORY
A girl? Oh good, we need a girl!

LORELAI
Why do we need a girl?

RORY
I don't know. Aren't there enough guys walking around out there?

LORELAI
Well, it's a beautiful girl, name to come, and Sookie's fine, Jackson's fine, everyone's fine.

RORY
Good.

LORELAI
Fourteen hours of labor was the downside, but Sookie has the rest of her little girl's life to get back at her for that.

RORY
I love the circle of life.

LORELAI
And there's more good news.

RORY
What?

LORELAI
It was a false alarm. I'm not pregnant. The crisis has passed.

RORY
Oh, Mom. Good. I'm glad.

LORELAI
You're glad? Huh. As the sight of babies isn't freaking me out anymore, I can enjoy the maternity ward again.

RORY
So what was with the apple?

LORELAI
I don't know. But I just had a Moonpie and a Ding-Dong and washed it down with an Orange Crush in the cafeteria, so no desire for anything nutritional.

RORY
Oh, thank God. I'm glad, Mom.

LORELAI
Yeah. So, listen. How about we reschedule Sookie's baby shower?

RORY
How? It's too late.

LORELAI
No. We'll throw a ‘Welcome to the Earth, Baby Girl Belleville' party. Did you save the decorations?

RORY
Still in my car.

LORELAI
How about Saturday morning? That's when she gets home. Just come back with me tonight after dinner, we'll set it up at her house.

RORY
Sounds good. Hey, um, did you ever mention this pregnancy scare to Luke?

LORELAI
My God, no. Can you imagine? ‘Uh, Luke, you're going to be a daddy.' Suddenly there's nothing left but a puff of smoke and a baseball cap spinning on the floor.

RORY
Yeah. He never seemed much like a family guy. This is for the best. Listen, um, I've got to get back. We have a big staff meeting in a few minutes and I want to get back and make sure everything's set up and ready.

LORELAI
I'll see you tonight, my one and only offspring.

RORY
Bye.

LORELAI
Bye.

They hang up. Lorelai watches another woman in a wheelchair being pushed along. She smiles and calls out to her husband.

LORELAI
Congratulations!

MAN
Thanks.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL, SOOKIE'S ROOM - DAY

Jackson picks up the baby and walks over to Sookie in the bed.

JACKSON
She's sound asleep.

SOOKIE
I'm not so bright-eyed myself.

JACKSON
Hey, before you go to sleep, we should probably decide on a name.

SOOKIE
I know. Names are so hard.

JACKSON
But the good thing, whatever names we don't use now, we just use on the next one.

SOOKIE
Yeah. You know, we need to talk about that.

JACKSON
Sure.

SOOKIE
I probably should have brought it up sooner, sorry.

JACKSON
No problem. What?

SOOKIE
You're getting a vasectomy.

JACKSON
What?

SOOKIE
You're getting a vasectomy.

JACKSON
(laughs)
You got me. You got me. You're funny. Dark, but funny.

SOOKIE
I'm not joking, sweetie. We're cutting that tube. If it is a tube. I'm not really up on the procedure. The doctor doing it will be, though, so I'm sure he'll know.

JACKSON 
(stunned)
You're not kidding.

SOOKIE
I'm not kidding.

JACKSON
Sookie, come on!

SOOKIE
Jackson, we have one of each. We've kept the species going.

JACKSON
But I wanted four!

SOOKIE
And I wanted three. This is a good compromise.

JACKSON
I'm sorry. Two is not a compromise between three and four.

A tall male nurse enters behind Jackson.

SOOKIE
This is Reggie, he's going to take you down and have it done.

JACKSON
I'm having it done today?

SOOKIE
Yep.

Jackon looks at Reggie.

JACKSON
They sent the big nurse.

SOOKIE
Just in case.

Another nurse takes the baby away from Jackson.

JACKSON
Hey!

SOOKIE
You'll get her back afterwards. Now, it's just a quick outpatient procedure! You go in, lie down, close your eyes, snip snip, and you're shooting blanks.

JACKSON
Is this all I'm having done today, or do I need to get some glute
implants or something?

SOOKIE
It's everything, I promise. Kiss before you go.

They kiss.

SOOKIE
Hey, I just thought of the perfect name. First name Martha, middle name Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny.

JACKSON 
(smiles)
You got them all in.

SOOKIE
Now go get cut.

Jackson goes. The nurse brings Sookie the baby.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, FOYER - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Emily answers it. Lorelai is holding a bag.

LORELAI
Hi, Mom.

EMILY
Lorelai, come in, come in. I want you to meet my special guest.

LORELAI
I'm curious to meet her.

Emily smirks and lets her in. A young man is standing in the foyer.

LORELAI
Oh, boy. She sure looked different in her picture.

EMILY
This is Mikhail. Mikhail, my daughter Lorelai.

LORELAI
Hi.

MIKHAIL
Hello.

LORELAI
What happened to Paola?

EMILY
Oh, that annoying little stick? She drove me crazy.

LORELAI
Hm. You loved her.

EMILY
There was something wrong with her. So flighty, so skinny. She made no noise when she walked, so you couldn't hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.

The maid quietly walks up beside Lorelai and takes her coat.

LORELAI
(to maid)
Thank you.

EMILY
She had the mentality of a preschooler. If she was sitting when she laughed, she would clap her feet together. Smoked like a fiend, too.

LORELAI
Uh-huh.

EMILY
And she kept playing with that obnoxious magic eight ball of yours. She'd ask it the same question over and over until she got the answer she wanted. I told her that's not how it works. You're supposed to accept the first answer it gives you and that's that, but no. She kept going. I wanted to stick the little twig in the garbage disposal. So I exchanged her for Mikhail.

LORELAI
Really? You can do that, just trade her in for another human being?

EMILY
I paid for her, Lorelai, and she wasn't what I wanted.

LORELAI
All right.

EMILY
Isn't he stunning?

LORELAI
He's easy on the eyes, yes.

EMILY
You should see him stretch. Do you want Luminista to take your bag?

LORELAI
No, I'm going to keep it with me. There's something I want to show you.

EMILY
Oh, good. Shall we go in the living room? He's learning English, so keep your words short.
(slowly to Mikhail)
Living room!

MIKHAIL
Yes, please.

EMILY
(to Lorelai)
What a value.

INT. STAMFORD: STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE, MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

The staff meeting is going on. Mitchum has his feet up on the table and Rory is watching attentively from the corner.

SAM
How interested are Stamford residents in a city forty miles away?

LUCILLE
They're interested.

SAM
That just takes resources away from covering local events.

LUCILLE
That are less interesting than events taking place in New York City.

SAM
If they're that interesting, we should take a couple of our own calendar staffers. Freelancers are a pain in the butt.

LUCILLE
So, Franz Ferdinand comes to New York, forget freelancers, you'll go cover it?

SAM
I didn't say that. Who's he?

The other staff laugh at him.

HARRY
He's a band.

SAM
Watch it, Pisher.

MITCHUM
Even I knew that, Sam.

SAM
Mitchum, please. Arbitrate.

MITCHUM
And spoil the fun? No way.

SAM
It's your money.

LUCILLE
Money well spent.

LLOYD
It's not your money, Lucille.

MITCHUM
Look, keep the system as is. We don't even have office space for extra people, let alone the budget. Go to Universities.

He glances at Rory. She nods back.

MITCHUM
Yale, wherever. Get volunteers to pick up what our staff can't cover. Those kids jump at the chance.

HARRY
I'll pick up some slack.

SAM
After you pick up my dry cleaning, right?

HARRY
I'll pick that up too.

MITCHUM
Good, Harry, don't let him push you around.

CHARLIE
Are we going to end this marathon before we get to subscriptions? Please say no.

SAM
Charlie's feeling neglected again.

MITCHUM
Where are we with our sales department, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Abundant turnover. We have to start paying more.

MITCHUM
Oh!

LUCILLE
That got the boss where it hurts.

MITCHUM
Minimum wage plus twenty percent commission?

CHARLIE
And all the stale pastry they can eat.

MITCHUM
Up it to thirty.

LLOYD
Okay, now I'm in pain.

MITCHUM
Crunch the numbers, Lloyd, and get them to me. You never go behind the back of Captain Crunch!

LLOYD
(to Charlie)
We should get together Monday.

MITCHUM
Let's all resume this Monday. Go home!

They get up to leave.

MITCHUM
Meet your kids, feed your dogs! Have a good one.

The room empties.

RORY
That was fun.

MITCHUM
Yeah. Yeah, that's the way those things should go. Give and take. The less I say, the better.

RORY
Can I get you anything?

MITCHUM
No, I'm about to take off, here.

RORY
Okay.

MITCHUM
So, I'm going to be pulling back here soon.

RORY
From the paper?

MITCHUM
I've done my damage. It's time for them to take it and make something of it.

RORY
Oh. Okay.

MITCHUM
I'll probably be in Monday, maybe Tuesday, then not so much, after that.

RORY
Well, I'm happy to keep going. Even without you here.

MITCHUM
You know, you and I haven't really sat down and talked about the situation, about how you're doing here, and all.

RORY
Well, you've been busy.

MITCHUM
I've meant to. I offered you the job, took you under my wing. It's part of the deal.

RORY
Great! I'd love your feedback.

MITCHUM
Go on and sit.

They sit down, Rory with a notepad.

MITCHUM
I've worked with a lot of young people over the years. Interns, new hires. I've got a pretty good gut sense for people's strengths and weaknesses. Whether they have that certain something to make it in journalism. It's a tough business. Lot of stress.

RORY
(smiles)
Definitely.

MITCHUM
And I have to tell you. You don't got it.

Rory is stunned.

MITCHUM
Now, guts can be wrong. Mine's been wrong before. But not often.

RORY
I thought I was doing okay.

MITCHUM
I just don't really think that you have the drive to put yourself out there, to be honest. To get a story. To dig. I mean, just now in this meeting, I encouraged everyone to say whatever they wanted. You said nothing.

RORY
I wasn't sure if I should.

MITCHUM
Exactly. I mean, you saw Harry. He jumped right into the fire. You didn't.

RORY
But Harry's not an intern!

MITCHUM
Doesn't matter.

RORY
(near tears)
I've always done what's asked of me.

MITCHUM
See, the thing is, in the real world, it's not always good enough to do just what's asked of you.

RORY
But I thought I was in a really good rhythm with everyone here.

MITCHUM
I'm not saying you're not competent. You're smart. You're terrific at anticipating needs. Actually, you'd make a great assistant.

RORY
Oh.

MITCHUM
I'm sorry. It's not my pleasure to disappoint someone like you. Especially you. What with the extenuating circumstances. But it's healthy. I don't know any other way. I don't B.S.

RORY
I should get back.

She gets up and heads for the door. Mitchum stands up.

MITCHUM
Hey, listen. I know this is rough, but, uh, I may have just done you a big favor.

RORY
Oh. Okay. Thanks.

She walks out to:

INT. STAMFORD: STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE, NEWSROOM - NIGHT

Rory heads back to her workstation. She looks extremely troubled.

FADE TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: STEAM ROOM - NIGHT

Kirk and Luke are standing before the town elders who are all in towels. Kirk is in a towel. Luke is fully dressed.

KIRK
He had no contract. He had nothing in writing. Granted, his offer matched the fair market value of the property but it was a rigged bid situation. The house wasn't even officially listed for sale.

TAYLOR
It wasn't a rigged bid, Kirk!

ELDER #1
That's for the courts to decide.

ELDER #2
Get to the point, Kirk.

KIRK
The house should be re-listed. You should take the best offer from the person with the best chance of securing financing. That person is me.

ELDER #2
All right. Luke, what do you have to say to that?

LUKE
What the hell are we doing in a steam room?

TAYLOR
Luke, I explained to you that if you wanted to see the town elders you had to do it on their terms.

LUKE
This is ridiculous. I can't think in here.

ELDER #1
You should strip and get in a towel!

LUKE
I'm not getting in a towel.

KIRK
I think he's got body issues.

LUKE
I don't have body issues. I just don't agree with what's going on. How it's going on.

KIRK
Town elders, I don't think it's appropriate for the defendant to address you in this tone, is it?

LUKE
I'm not the defending, Kirk. This isn't a court. It's not even a room. It's a box full of hot air.

KIRK
Now he's insulting you.

LUKE
Listen. Old guys. I should get the house.

ELDER #2
Watch your manners, young man!

LUKE
I can get a loan -

KIRK
But I have deep pockets! Not now, I mean, right now I'm naked, but my pants have pockets.

LUKE
Who are you guys, anyway? What gives you the authority to make town decisions?

TAYLOR
Luke, this isn't helping.

KIRK
He's a hothead with body issues and shallow pockets.

LUKE
This isn't right. Taylor and I had an agreement.

KIRK
He needs therapy and probably pills.

The elder in the back corner, who has kept his face hidden, speaks up.

SUPREME ELDER
Luke should get the house.

LUKE
What?

KIRK
What?

SUPREME ELDER
It's the right thing to do. Kirk may have a better claim technically, but Luke wants it more.

KIRK
But--

SUPREME ELDER
I knew Luke's father. His grandfather. We all did. He'll care for the house because he cares so much about it. He wants it for him and Lorelai.

LUKE
For me and--

He points accusingly at Taylor.

LUKE
(to Taylor)
Did you--

SUPREME ELDER
We all watched Luke pine for Lorelai for nine long years. He waited for her while she went through her many relationships. He won her. Now he wants this for her. And for the others.

LUKE
Others? What others?

SUPREME ELDER
You'll bring children into the house.

KIRK
I'll bring children into the house, too! Maybe not my own.

SUPREME ELDER
It's right for Luke to have it. Kirk is young. There'll be other places for him to go. That's what I think.

ELDER #2
Well I agree.

ELDER #1
Me too. Luke should get the house.

KIRK
Rip!

LUKE
Thank you. Thank you, sir.

KIRK
Hey, Luke, it's a big yard you'll have there. A lot of lawn. I was wondering if we could talk about my rendering garden services? I have tools.

Luke walks out of the steam room, followed by Kirk.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai, Emily and Mikhail are in the living room. Lorelai as a bag by her side.

MIKHAIL
Sarrusta.

EMILY
Sarrusta.

MIKHAIL
Fantastic.

EMILY
And where is your town, Sarrusta?

MIKHAIL
Just outside Moscow.

EMILY
It sounds wonderful.

MIKHAIL
Our people die very young there.

EMILY
Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so good.
(to Lorelai)
What's in the bag?

LORELAI
Hm?

EMILY
You've been clutching that bag all night. What's in it?

MIKHAIL
She's got mystery bag.

EMILY
A mystery bag! Yes! What's in the mystery bag?

LORELAI
Oh. Well, um, this is my cover story.

EMILY
Your cover story? I thought it wasn't coming out for two weeks. Let me see that.

She reaches out for it.

LORELAI
Okay.

She smiles nervously and pulls a magazine out of the bag. She passes it across to Emily.

EMILY
Lorelai owns an inn, uh, what would you call it, maybe a dacha?

MIKHAIL
Dacha? Yes.

EMILY
This is it.

She shows him the photo on the cover.

MIKHAIL
Ah, fantastic!

LORELAI
Thank you.

MIKHAIL
Great dacha, this dacha!

EMILY
Are there other pictures with the article?

LORELAI
Uh-huh. Go ahead and read it. We have time before dinner, right?

EMILY
We can't start dinner till Rory gets here.
(to Mikhail)
You're going to love my granddaughter. You'll just want to pick her up and throw her in the air. Give one to Mikhail, it's how he's learning English.

LORELAI
Got plenty to go around.

She passes him a magazine. Emily flips hers open.

EMILY
Oh, gorgeous!

LORELAI
Yes.

Emily smiles at Lorelai.

EMILY
It's a rave.

LORELAI
We got lucky.

Lorelai watches Emily read. Emily's expression gets more serious. Lorelai jumps up.

LORELAI
I'll be right back.

Mikhail stands politely.

EMILY
Where are you going?

LORELAI
Uh, I'll just, I'll be right back.
(to Mikhail)
Sit, Mikhail. I mean, I didn't mean that as a command. But please, have a seat.
(to Emily)
I'll just, I'm going to--

She leaves the room. Emily and Mikhail keep reading.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, RICHARD'S STUDY - NIGHT

Lorelai enters and closes the door behind her. We hear Emily's reaction to the article.

EMILY (O.S.)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Lorelai!

Her brisk footsteps approach the door. Lorelai locks it.

EMILY (O.S.)
Lorelai! Are you in there?

LORELAI
No!

Emily jiggles the door.

EMILY (O.S)
Come out of there.

LORELAI
No.

EMILY (O.S.)
This is pathetic!

LORELAI
I know.

EMILY (O.S.)
The things you say in this!

LORELAI
I, I know.

EMILY (O.S.)
Calling me Pol Pot!

LORELAI
Mom, it was meant as a joke! The Pol Pot, the walking anthrax. I was just being edgy, like Chris Rock!

EMILY (O.S.)
Walking anthrax!

LORELAI
You haven't gotten to that part yet?

EMILY (O.S.)
No!

LORELAI
Well, something to look forward to!

EMILY (O.S.)
I'm not going to continue talking about this through the door.

LORELAI
Look, Mom, I was mad at you when I did the interview, okay? And I said things, but I didn't mean them, it just happened! And I'm not used to talking to reporters. I didn't know about the whole ‘off the record, on the record' thing. But I know now. And I'm really sorry it happened.

EMILY (O.S.)
I did not force Jimmy Carter out of his room at that hotel.

LORELAI
See, now that I thought was just an amusing anecdote.

EMILY (O.S.)
I did not get into a, quote, bitch-fight with him. He's an ex-president! It was with that insufferable Rosalyn.

LORELAI
Again, Mom, I am really, really sorry, and unless you forgive me, I, I am going to camp out in here possibly forever. Mom, I'm just - don't tell your friends about the article, so they won't read it, and the ones who do, just tell them I was misquoted and I would recommend that you stop reading the article right now, and just look at the pictures. The pictures are really pretty.

Pause, Lorelai waits for a response.

LORELAI
If you are applying explosives to the door, please tell me, so I can step away.

Pause.

EMILY (O.S)
I'll stop reading.

LORELAI
And we won't talk about it again, ever?

EMILY (O.S.)
Fine. Come out.

Lorelai cautiously opens the door.

EMILY
Let's go back to the living room.

LORELAI
Okay, Mom.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, FOYER - NIGHT

Mikhail puts his jacket on and walks angrily toward the front door.

MIKHAIL
Goodbye, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY
Mikhail, where are you going?

MIKHAIL
I must leave!

EMILY
Leave? Why? Mikhail!

She runs after him.

EMILY
Mikhail!

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW HAVEN: DOCKS - NIGHT

Night. Rory walks down the dock. We can hear laughter from the party on the yacht. She sees Logan talking to a girl at the edge of the boat. He is happy to see Rory.

LOGAN
Hey! You're here early!

RORY
I guess.

LOGAN
Way early. Did you skip your dinner?

RORY
Come down here, so I don't have to yell.

Logan comes down.

LOGAN
So there she is.

RORY
Who?

LOGAN
The boat. Calling them ‘she' is one of the most fun nautical traditions.

RORY
Right. Something sexist in that, I'm sure.

LOGAN
I'm sure.

He kisses her.

LOGAN
So how'd you get away?

RORY
I don't know, I just got away.

LOGAN
I'm glad.

RORY
So, who is she?

LOGAN
Who?

RORY
The girl on the boat.

LOGAN
Okay, I'm sorry, we were just calling the boat a she. I'm a little bit behind but I'm catching up. She's a friend of my sister's.

RORY
Well, I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

LOGAN
You weren't interrupting anything.

RORY
Looked like I was.

LOGAN
I've known her forever.

RORY
Well, I didn't mean to pull you away.

LOGAN
We were just talking. Me, her, and her husband. If you want, I can have them pull out pictures of their two-year-old. Ben has them in his jacket pocket.

RORY
Do you even want me here?

LOGAN
Ace, I invited you here.

RORY
Right. On Friday night, when you knew I couldn't come.

LOGAN
It's my sister's party. I didn't pick the night.

RORY
Traffic sucked getting here.

LOGAN
Sorry, but I can't do anything about the traffic either. Can we just, um--

He points down the dock, where they can talk without anyone overhearing. They go there.

LOGAN
What the hell is wrong with you?

RORY
Nothing. I'm just in a weird mood.

LOGAN
I'll say.

RORY
I'm sorry, I just - can we go somewhere else?

LOGAN
What?

RORY
Let's go somewhere else. I don't really feel like being around people.

LOGAN
Okay, name it.

RORY
Will your sister mind?

LOGAN
I've been here for an hour and a half, I've talked to everybody. My duty is done. Where do you want to go?

RORY
I don't know. Somewhere. Far. Out there.

LOGAN
Where?

RORY
Out to sea.

LOGAN
Out to sea.

RORY
Yeah. Let's take that fancy-pants yacht of yours for a spin.

LOGAN
Tricky, since it's about to head out with all of my sister's friends on it.

RORY
Oh. Well, don't you have another one?

LOGAN
Not here.

RORY
Well, where's the other one?

LOGAN
Far away. Let's just drive somewhere. Let's go to New York.

RORY
I don't want to drive. I want to be out there, just the two of us. Alone.

LOGAN
Well--

RORY
You know the beginning of Moby Dick, when the narrator says that when he finds himself growing grim about the mouth and wanted to knock people's hats off, he takes to the sea?

LOGAN
Yeah.

RORY
Well I feel like knocking people's hats off.

LOGAN
So I guess we got to take to the sea.

Rory nods and looks around.

RORY
That one looks good.

LOGAN
Yeah.

RORY
Nice and seaworthy.

LOGAN
Not ours to take.

RORY
That ever stopped you before?

LOGAN
I think I've been a bad influence on you, Ace.

RORY
Let's go, Huntzberger.

LOGAN
Let's go.

Rory grabs his hand as they run down the dock.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai explains to Mikhail, who is sitting, arms folded across his chest, glaring at her.

LORELAI
(to Mikhail)
See, I was mad at Mom - Mrs. Gilmore, here, at the time, and I ended up saying things I shouldn't have said, because, you see, normally, I don't make jokes about Joseph Stalin. They're inappropriate. I just said it, and just to this writer, and she printed it. I mean, she's not Joseph Stalin. And, not that there's any excuse, but there is no way I could have known that a Russian man whose entire family and their village was killed by Stalin would be reading this in front of me, I mean, there's just no way.

EMILY
She has this off-putting sense of humor, Mikhail. You'd know that if you spent time with her.

LORELAI
Yes, you would. You would know that.

MIKHAIL
Yes.

LORELAI
I mean, Joseph Stalin was a monster. So, please, stay. You just caught us on a bad day.

MIKHAIL
All right.

Lorelai's cell phone rings.

LORELAI
Um, this must be Rory.

She pulls the phone out of her bag.

LORELAI
Excuse me.

She gets up.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hello?

RORY
(from phone)
Mom.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Hey, um, when are you getting here? I really, really want you here.

RORY
(from phone)
You need to come and get me.

LORELAI
(into phone)
Where are you?

>_END OF SHOW_<