The Annotated Guide to Gilmore girls

>_TEASER_<

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Lorelai, Rory and Emily are sitting around the dining table, eating.

LORELAI
So where'd you say Dad was?

EMILY
Away on business.

LORELAI
Location's top secret?

EMILY
Oh, Germany.

LORELAI
Germany. Is Dad's firm insuring Nazis now?

EMILY
Your father doesn't know any Nazis.

LORELAI
I know, Mom. I was just --

EMILY
What?

RORY
Joking. She was joking.

EMILY
Oh. Hard to tell.

LORELAI
Yeah, well.

EMILY
Oh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Claudia died.

LORELAI
Who?

EMILY
Claudia. Your cousin Claudia.

Lorelai stares.

EMILY
Claudia!

LORELAI
I'm hearing the name, Mom. I have no idea who that is.

EMILY
Claudia's your cousin, for all intents and purposes.

LORELAI
Oh, now we're getting to it.

EMILY
She was your father's grandmother's sister's girl. So to you, that would make her --

LORELAI
Nothing?

EMILY
Regardless the funeral's on Thursday. I thought we'd all go together.

LORELAI
Ooh, whoa. Two problems. Impossible to get away from the inn Thursday. Two, I've never met this woman.

EMILY
You most certainly have.

LORELAI
When?

EMILY
Several times.

LORELAI
I'll take one.

EMILY
We went to her house in Groton to see the first moon landing. She'd just gotten a new Philco.

LORELAI
I have no memory of this whatsoever.

EMILY
Rory, correct me if I'm wrong, but men have walked on the moon regardless of whether your mother remembers it or not.

RORY
That's the rumor.

LORELAI
I know men have walked on the moon. I just don't know Claudia.

EMILY
So you're not going?

LORELAI
Not this time.

EMILY
I don't think Claudia's planning to die a second time.

Rory giggles.

LORELAI
Mom, I couldn't go if I wanted to.

EMILY
Fine.
(pauses)
Oh wait -- Rudolph Gottfried.

LORELAI
Another cousin?

EMILY
No, a Nazi that we knew. I'd forgotten. We stayed with him once in Munich. Nice old man. Interesting stories.

LORELAI
Mom you socialized with a Nazi? That's despicable! That's heinous!

EMILY
No, dear, that was a joke.

Rory laughs. Lorelai throws her a look.
    
>_END OF TEASER_<

===

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai is seated at the table drinking coffee and watching TV. Rory walks into the kitchen dressed in her school uniform and closes her bedroom door on loud music.

*Music: "Time Bomb" by Rancid*

LORELAI
Hey. I have an idea for a new reality show. How about everyone just looks out their freakin' kitchen window for a change?

RORY
Ooh. She's cranky this morning.

LORELAI
Let's just say the world has a formidable opponent.

She switches of the TV with the remote.

RORY
Wait -- shouldn't you be baking?

LORELAI
I don't know. Shouldn't you be knitting?

RORY
Mom! The Chilton bake sale is today!

LORELAI
I know. I got it covered.

RORY
They expect the things to be homemade.

LORELAI
I know.

RORY
By someone other than Dolly Madison.

LORELAI
I said I have it covered.

RORY
All of the parents pitch in so this is really really important. You know that, right?

LORELAI
No, I didn't know that. In that case I don't have it covered. I have it covered! Get your stuff and hit the stereo -- we're late.

RORY
It's not me.

Rory opens her door and we see Lane dancing in the room.

LORELAI
(to Lane)
Where does your mother think you are?

Lane turns off the music.

LANE
Oh, on a park bench contemplating the reunification of the two Koreas.

LORELAI
Not here, skanking to Rancid?

LANE
Wouldn't be included.

LORELAI
School!

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE - DAY

Lane, Lorelai, and Rory walk down the front steps and start to cross the yard. Lane waves as she runs off.

LANE
Bye.

RORY
Bye.

Babette and Morey walk by. Morey is pulling a wagon with Cinnamon -- their cat -- inside. The wagon has a covering like a baby carriage.

RORY
Wow, Cinnamon, riding in style.

BABETTE
Yeah, Morey made it. Cinnamon's not walking good these days but she still likes her passeggiatas. That's Italian for 'a nice walk.'

MOREY
(with an accent)
Passeggiata.

BABETTE
Oh God, he makes it sound so sexy.

MOREY
Come on.

LORELAI
(points to the covered area)
What's that?

BABETTE
Oh it's Cinnamon's private area. Sometimes she likes to be alone. She's just like Morey in that sense.
(to Morey)
Hey, say passaggiata again.

MOREY
(embarressed)
I can't do it on command, Babs.

BABETTE
Oh, he's blushin'. God, I love a man that blushes!

BABETTE and MOREY walk away, pulling the wagon.

RORY
Okay, our town is just weird.

LORELAI
Thank God.

RORY
Bye.

LORELAI
Bye.

RORY
I'll see you later at school.

LORELAI
For what?

RORY
Mom, the bake sale!

LORELAI
Ha! I got the vein in the forehead. Whoo!

RORY
Sadist.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BUS STOP - DAY

People are walking by on the sidewalk. Rory is sitting on a bench. A bus pulls around the corner and stops in front of her. Dean is walking down the street and sees Rory get on the bus. He gets on and sits behind her. Rory opens her book and beings to read. She doesn't notice him. Dean leans in from the back:

DEAN
Hey.

RORY
(frightened)
Aah!
(serious)
Morning.

DEAN
Good book?

RORY
I don't know yet.

DEAN
I saw you standing in line so I thought I'd say hello.
(pause)
Hello.

RORY
Hello.

DEAN
Oh, hey, uh, thanks for helping me get the job at the store. I mean it's not a career or anything but it's got me solvent.

RORY
Solvent's good.

DEAN
Yeah, uh, are you always this serious?

RORY
No.

DEAN
So, uh, how long does it take you to get to school?

RORY
Um...forty minutes if the bus driver's focused but longer if he's trying to win something on the radio.
(beat)
Hey, this bus is going to Hartford!

DEAN
Yeah, I know.

RORY
But you go to school here. You have to get off the bus!
(calls to driver)
Hey, he has to get off the bus!

DEAN
Wait. You're forgetting something.

Bus stops.

DEAN
Buses make stops. Good-bye Lorelai Gilmore.

Dean gets off the bus.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: INDEPENDENCE INN, LOBBY - DAY

A busy day at the Inn. Lorelai is showing guests around. New
guest arrive and walk to the front desk where Michel is on the phone.

MICHEL
Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Yes, you are confirmed. Mm-hmm. Goodbye.

Michel hangs up the phone as a group of businessmen approach the counter.

MAN
Bonjour Monsieur. Vous êtes francais? Vous parlez francais?

MICHEL
No, sorry.

MAN
Mais, vous avez un accent francais. Vous ne parlez pas francais?

MICHEL
Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this francais business you're babbling about.

LORELAI
Pardon.

Lorelai pulls Michel aside.

LORELAI
He knows you're not from Texas.

MICHEL
Smile when you say that.

LORELAI
Michel, I told you there was going to be a French group here for a couple of days and it is your job to keep them happy.

MICHEL
Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.

LORELAI
Really?

MICHEL
Mm-hm. That is why I left France.

LORELAI
Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.

MICHEL
Never.

Lorelai gives him a look.

MICHEL
You are giving me that look aren't you? Your patented, "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look.
(sighs)
Fine. I shall be French, but I shall not be happy.

LORELAI
Then you will be yourself. Good choice.

She pats him on the back. Michel goes back to the French group.

MICHEL
Bonjour messieurs. Je m'appelle Miche. Ce soir pour vous aider.

MAN
(laughs)
Vous avez faît un blague. Très drole! Très drole Michel!

He kisses Michel on the cheeks.

MICHEL
(to Lorelai)
Kill me now.

CUT TO:

EXT. HARTFORD: CHILTON - DAY

A bake sale is going on at Chilton, with tables of cake and other baked goods lined up next to each other.

Sookie places another cake on the Gilmore table.

SOOKIE
OK-- we've got our French fantasies, American treats, and our Italian taste sensations. Well, what do you think?

RORY
Amazing.

LORELAI
Incredible.

SOOKIE
It is good, isn't it? Well, final touch.

Sookie prepares to light a swan-shaped dessert on fire using a blowtorch.

RORY
Oh, can I do that?

SOOKIE
Whoa, honey, this is a more delicate procedure than you might think, OK?

RORY
OK.

SOOKIE
It takes an expert hand.

Sookie lights the tablecloth on fire. Lorelai fills a cup with lemonade from a nearby table and extinguishes the flames. The women at the lemonade table give her dirty looks.

LORELAI
Um -- hi. Oh, well, gee...what is that, a dollar? Let me find you a dollar. You know what? I'll take two -- I'll drink one.

She takes a sip.

LORELAI
Mmm...tasty and flame-retardant.

She returns to her tabel where Mr. Medina walks up to her.

MAX
Very Henry the Eighth.

LORELAI
Well we're not into subtle.

MAX
Good to see you, Lorelai.

LORELAI
Good to see you, Mr. Medina.

MAX
Max.

LORELAI
Mr. Medina.

MAX
Max.

LORELAI
Mr. Medina. Meet Sookie, the cheft at the inn. Sookie, Mr. Medina.

SOOKIE
What's your name again?

LORELAI
Mr. Medina.

SOOKIE
I know, you've said it like a zillion times.
(to Mr. Medina)
Hello.

MAX
Hello. Lorelai, could I borrow you for a second?

LORELAI
Oh, yeah, sure.
(to Sookie)
Oh! Hey I'll be right back.

Lorelai and Mr. Medina walk away from the table.

MAX
You know, Lorelai, I would love for the ice to thaw.

LORELAI
There's no ice.

MAX
Well you repeated my full name four times. That's ice.

LORELAI
No, that's not ice, it's wintry.

MAX
I was doing my job when I didn't let Rory take that test. I didn't like it but I had to do it.

LORELAI
I know.

MAX
And I'd do it again.

LORELAI
OK.

MAX
I really do think Rory's a great kid and I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure she gets through Chilton in one piece.

LORELAI
I appreciate that.

MAX
And I'd like us to be friends.

LORELAI
We are. Me too.

MAX
Yeah?

LORELAI
Yeah. Really, truly, I swear. There's no more ice. We're walking in a pool of tepid water.

MAX
Good.

LORELAI
Good.

MAX
I'm going to propose something here. I'm not sure how you're going to take it.

LORELAI
Oh wow, intrigue.

MAX
I'd like to see you sometime. Away from the ivy, away from the gargoyles, away from here.

LORELAI
Are you asking me out on a date.

MAX
Yes.

LORELAI
Mm. Well, uh, I don't want to go out on a limb here, but I'm guessing if the headmaster won't let a kid be thirty seconds late for a test he'd probably frown on a teacher dating a mom.

MAX
I do my job well, I'm dedicated to my students, and there's nothing in the Chilton book of ethics that prohibits it.

LORELAI
Yeah but I'm guessing it's sort of an unwritten rule.

MAX
Do you want to go?

LORELAI
And Rory would probably freak at the thought.

MAX
Do you want to go?

LORELAI
And the other parents would have a field day with this kind of thing.

MAX
Do you want to go?

LORELAI
Yes.

MAX
Good.

LORELAI
Wait.

MAX
What?

LORELAI
No.

MAX
Why?

LORELAI
I can't. It's wrong. It's weird.

MAX
I'll pay.

LORELAI
You're on.

MAX
Really?

LORELAI
I'm kidding. I don't know. You're Rory's teacher.

MAX
I know.

LORELAI
Could you quit? Right, that's crazy.

MAX
OK, OK. Um...how about coffee? You like coffee?

LORELAI
Only with my oxygen.

MAX
Can we drink some together? A sort of pre-date. Very casual, no strings, no obligations. We'll just see if it's even worth going down the road of including food in the deal.
(whispers)
Just coffee.
(normal voice)
Decaf? There's nothing safer than decaf.

LORELAI
I'm going to be in town tomorrow because I take a class at Hartford State and there's a coffee shop across the street that I sometimes, almost all the time, go to around 4:00 and usually exactly 4:12. I could not stop a person from entering said establishment around that time, nor would I avoid them if I knew them if they did.

MAX
You know the wordsmith thing -- that's something we have in common.

LORELAI
So, see you around, Max.

MAX
Indeed. You will.

Lorelai leaves.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: STREET - DAY

Lane and Rory are walking down the street.

LANE
Philadelphia.

RORY
Philadelphia? If you could live in any city in the world you'd pick Philadelphia?

LANE
M. Night Shymalan lives there.

RORY
Who?

LANE
The guy who directed 'The Sixth Sense.'

RORY
But what would you do there?

LANE
Hang out with M. Night Shymalan.

RORY
OK, cross 'guidance counselor' off your list of potential career choices.

They meet Babette, Morey dragging Cinnamon in the carriage.

BABETTE
Lie still, baby doll, we're almost home.

RORY
Hey Babette.

BABETTE
Hey kids.

Cinnamon meows strangely.

RORY
Wow, that sounds bad.

BABETTE
Cinnamon's dyspeptic. So's Morey. Too many clams.

MOREY
Bad clams.

Babette, Morey, and Cinnamon continue walking.

BABETTE
This doesn't reflect well on Al's establishment.

LANE
You had clams at Al's?

RORY
Al's Pancake World?

BABETTE
Yeah, well we had a coupon.

RORY
Hmmm.

Rory and Lane resume walking down the street. Rory spots Dean in the grocery store where he is working.

RORY
Oh wow! The store! Hey, listen, I have to pick up some stuff, so --

LANE
What do you have to pick up?

RORY
Just some... stuff. So I'll talk to you later tonight.

LANE
I'll go in with you.

RORY
Why?

LANE
Because otherwise I'd have to go home.

RORY
Home is good.

LANE
My home?

RORY
Yeah, actually I don't have to go in.

LANE
OK. Then I guess I will go home.

RORY
Great! Go, bye.

LANE
Bye...
(to herself)
freak.

Lane leaves. Rory walks into the store.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: DOOSE'S MARKET - DAY

Rory watches Dean. He looks over and waves when he sees her. Rory ducks into an aisle and walks to the back of the store where Miss Patty is.

MISS PATTY
Rory!

Rory is startled.

MISS PATTY
Hello! Try a plum They're better than sex.

RORY
Um, no, thanks.

MISS PATTY
Fresh fruit always has such a sensuality about it. Are you too young for this?

RORY
Definitely.

MISS PATTY
Well what are you here for honey?

RORY
Oh well, I just --

Rory looks over at Dean.

MISS PATTY
Oh, I see what you're here for. Well that wouldn't fit in a basket. No, no, no, no, no!

RORY
Patty! It's not like that. He's just a person.

MISS PATTY
A person?

RORY
A boy-type person.

MISS PATTY
Oh, my favorite kind.

RORY
I really don't even know him.

MISS PATTY
Oh, right. You don't know him?

RORY
I don't.

MISS PATTY
You said.

RORY
Please don't say anything.

MISS PATTY
I promise I won't tell a single soul that you don't know that young man.

RORY
Thank you.

MISS PATTY
You're welcome.

Rory grabs a head of salad as she walks away from Miss Patty. KIRK, a store employee, confronts Miss Patty, who has been sampling the produce.

KIRK
Excuse me, ma'am, what are you doing?

MISS PATTY
Please, honey, don't call me ma'am. It makes me feel older than 25. Here, have a pea pod.

KIRK
I assume that you're going to pay for the food you've consumed on the premises.

MISS PATTY
Oh, so brusque. And you are?

KIRK
I'm the new assistant manager here.

MISS PATTY
Well listen here, my fine friend, who if you had a better hairstyle I might consider dating, I do this all the time.

KIRK
Not from now on, I'm sorry.

MISS PATTY
Oh, now, wait a minute here. I've been sampling food at this establishment for years.

KIRK
The next time you put something in that mouth that doesn't belong there, I'm going to remove it and then call the police.

He takes the pea pod out of her hand and walks away. Miss Patty looks at her empty hand.

By now Rory is at the check-out counter. Dean walks over to the end of the counter.

CASHIER
Is this all you want, honey? A head of lettuce and a mouse trap?

RORY
That should do it.

DEAN
That's a couple of must-need items there.

CASHIER
$2.27.

RORY
I only have a dollar.

DEAN
I could loan you the rest.

RORY
Uh, no, I'll just take the lettuce.

DEAN
Perfect. You could use half of it for a salad then use the other half to clobber the mouse with.

Rory starts to leave.

DEAN
Paper or plastic?

RORY
I'm fine.

She leaves the store.

CUT TO:

INT. HARTFORD: COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Lorelai enters. She sits at the counter one chair over from Mr. Medina.

MAX
Lorelai?

LORELAI
Max! Hi!

MAX
Small world, huh?

LORELAI
Absolutely! What are you drinking?

MAX
Coffee.

LORELAI
Plain coffee?

MAX
I wanted some cream but that prompted a very elaborate foam conversation. And the look of disapproval I got when I said I didn't want foam, just cream, rivaled the one I got from my dad when I told him I wanted to be a teacher.

LORELAI
Wow, so it's been a tough outing for you, huh?

MAX
Well,    it's getting better.

WAITRESS
What can I get you?

LORELAI
Coffee, please.

The waitress goes to get Lorelai's coffee.

MAX
So, here we are.

LORELAI
Here we most certainly are.

MAX
Running into each other.

LORELAI
Away from the school.

MAX
And its unique strictures.

LORELAI
These things do happen.

MAX
Fate can be funny.

LORELAI
Should we cut the cute and just get right to it?

MAX
I think we should date.

LORELAI
Why?

MAX
Because I think we both want to.

LORELAI
Well I want to be in the Bangles but that doesn't mean I quit my job and get a guitar and ruin my life to be a Bangle, does it?

MAX
The Bangles broke up.

LORELAI
Yeah, that's not the point.

MAX
Well it's got to be part of the point if there's no band anymore.

LORELAI
I repeat my question: 'why should we date?'

MAX
Because we're clearly attracted to each other.

LORELAI
I'm attracted to pie. It doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.

MAX
OK then because we are --

LORELAI
Yes?

MAX
-- of similar heights.

LORELAI
Wow! Round one and already tapped.

MAX
Look I know that you are concerned about the appearance of us dating.

LORELAI
Yes I am.

MAX
Well I can tell you that I am the soul of discretion when it comes to delicate relationships.

LORELAI
Dated a lot of Chilton moms, huh?

MAX
No, I meant any relationships -- work, family.

LORELAI
Oh so you have things to hide in all aspects of your life -- very interesting.

MAX
(to waitress)
Do you have any hemlock back there? Arsenic, something quick?

LORELAI
Do you like rap music?

MAX
Yeah.

LORELAI
Me too. Italian food?

MAX
Yeah.

LORELAI
Me too. You just telling me what I want to hear?

MAX
Yeah.

LORELAI
I knew it!

MAX
Doesn't mean it doesn't coincide with how I really feel.

LORELAI
Yeah but if you're telling me what you think I want to hear then I'm not really getting to know you.

MAX
And if I know what you want to hear that shows a level of understanding on my part that far exceeds your understanding of me.

Lorelai doesn't say anything.

MAX
Now who's the one laggin'?

LORELAI
Uh...

MAX
Wow, round one and already tapped!

LORELAI
(seriously)
Rory is my life. She's my pal, my everything. And I would never, ever do anything that would hurt her.

MAX
I understand.

A man sits down on the stool between them.

MAX
But Rory is not a baby anymore.

Lorelai leans forward to talk to Max.

LORELAI
Don't say that! She's eight! She's eight and her favorite hobby is making necklaces out of gum wrappers.

MAX
You could try stunting her growth, keeping her in a box, blowing cigarette smoke on her.

The man gives Mr. Medina a strange look.

MAX
You are so taking this out of context.

The man moves to another seat. Mr. Medina moves into the seat next to Lorelai that the man vacated.

MAX
OK, when my uncle was a young man, there was this girl who lived across the street from him and he was completely in love with her -- but he never talked to her. But he knew in his gut that this was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

LORELAI
This is gonna be sad isn't it?

MAX
Let me finish.

LORELAI
Oh, it's gonna be sad.

MAX
So anyhow my uncle watches this girl, waiting for the right moment to approach her. Next thing he knows, he gets drafted.

LORELAI
Oh, going for the Kleenex.

MAX
No. Now he thinks 'this is perfect. I'll come back, I'll have a career, I'll have served my country, I'll be worthy of her love.' When he gets back -- she's gone. Moved away. No one knew where and he never saw that girl again. Now my uncle, he didn't say much to me, but the one thing he did say was that if there's something in your gut that you know you feel is right, you gotta go after it, no matter what. What do you say?

Lorelai sighs. 

LORELAI
Maybe dinner wouldn't be so bad.

She takes out a business card and writes on it.

MAX
Dinner? You mean we could sit together? Even drive together?

Lorelai tosses the card at Mr. Medina.

LORELAI
Just take the card.

MAX
I might frame the card.

LORELAI
Just use the card.

MAX
I definitely will.

Mr. Medina gets up to leave.

LORELAI
Hey, that story about your uncle -- is that true?

MAX
(sighs)
Goodbye Lorelai Gilmore.

FADE TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LUKE'S, DINER - DAY

Luke serves burgers and fries to Lorelai and Sookie who are sitting at the counter.

SOOKIE
Thank you.

LORELAI
Thank you.
(to Sookie)
Life is a funny funny thing, huh?

SOOKIE
Yeah I love that Jim Carrey.

LORELAI
What?

SOOKIE
Jim Carrey. He's just -- he's just -- funny.

LORELAI
He is funny but I didn't mean funny, funny. I'm being philosophical.

SOOKIE
Oh. Very serious face. Jean-Paul Sartre.

LORELAI
I can't talk to you with that face.

LUKE
How do you guys get any work done?

SOOKIE
So why is life such a funny thing?

LORELAI
I met this amazing guy.

SOOKIE
Goody!

LORELAI
Yeah there's goody stuff about it, but there's baddy stuff too. He's a teacher at Chilton. Max -- you met him at the bake sale.

SOOKIE
Oh! He looked good.

LORELAI
Yeah. Right. He's so sexy and smart and funny and he likes coffee.

SOOKIE
God, he sounds perfect for you. Did you get onions?

LORELAI
No.

SOOKIE
(calls to Luke in the kitchen)
Hey Luke! You forgot the onions.

LORELAI
I'm just so mixed up though. You know this is a real crossroads kind of situation.It's like 'to perm or not to perm.' I'm really confused.

SOOKIE
For Heaven's sake.

Sookie goes around the counter to get the onions. She starts adding things -- garnish and spices -- to the other customers' plates.

SOOKIE
Go ahead, I'm still listening. You were about to perm your hair.

LORELAI
I just want to do the right thing.

SOOKIE
I'm not sure I see what the problem is.

LORELAI
Oh there are many problems. First -- I do not like to involve Rory in my personal life. I don't want her to have to deal with that. You know, I might bring some guy home and he might not be THE guy but then she gets all attached to him and then all of a sudden I decide that I don't like the way he eats or he hums incessantly or --

SOOKIE
Or the way he smacks his lips or how his hair isn't really his.

LORELAI
Yeah. And then I break up with him and then Rory is the one who gets hurt.

SOOKIE
I totally understand.

LORELAI
This guy is her teacher. I mean, there's no way to keep him out of her life. She sees him every day.

SOOKIE
(to a bearded customer)
Are you the open-faced turkey?

JEB
Yep.

SOOKIE
OK, I added a little fresh lemon and a little cayanne pepper. You're gonna plotz!
(to Lorelai)
You od know that Rory's not a baby anymore.

LORELAI
I know, that's what he said. Maybe I'm being too serious, right? Maybe I should loosen the rules a bit. Plus, be great to get... you know.

SOOKIE
What?

LORELAI
You know.

SOOKIE
No I don't.

LORELAI
You know...

She points to the bearded customer.

LORELAI
He knows.

SOOKIE
(to bearded customer)
You know?

JEB
Yeah, I know.

Luke returns and sees Sookie behind his counter.

LUKE
(yells)
Sookie!

SOOKIE
Hey. I was just looking for your paprika.

LUKE
What have I said about the counter?

SOOKIE
I know.

LUKE
How the counter is a sacred space. _MY_ sacred space. You don't do yoga on the Dalai Lama's mat and you don't come behind my counter, period.

Luke takes Sookie by the shoulders and walks her back to the other side of the counter.)

SOOKIE
I was trying to help.

LUKE
(to Lorelai)
You bring her again and I want her on a leash. I mean it.

SOOKIE
He does make a damn find burger though.

LORELAI
He does at that. Alright I'm just going to keep it simple. I'll tell Rory. If there's even an ounce of weirdness about it I'll cancel.

SOOKIE
You haven't told Rory yet?

LORELAI
No.

SOOKIE
Oops.

LORELAI
No, not oops. The timing hasn't been right. This is a very delicate, fragile situation. It's like one of your souffles. If you don't do it right it's a disaster.

SOOKIE
And you have to order it 45 minutes in advance.

LORELAI
Huh?

SOOKIE
My souffle.

LORELAI
Right, I wasn't but speaking directly about your souffle. I was speaking metaphorically.

SOOKIE
Oh, so you don't like my souffles?

LORELAI
How _DO_ we work together?

Rory rushes into the cafe.

RORY
Mom you better come.

LORELAI
Honey, what's wrong?

RORY
It's Cinnamon.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE - DAY

Lorelai and Rory pull into their driveway. They cross the yard and go to Babette's. There is a Stars Hollow Animal Hospital van in the driveway. 

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - DAY

Cinnamon's body is lying on the floor covered by a sheet. The vet is just standing up as Lorelai and Rory enter the house.

LORELAI
Babette? Honey?

BABETTE
Oh, Lorelai. Come in, come in. She's gone. Cinnamon's gone.

LORELAI
I'm so sorry.

Rory goes over to Morey and sits next to him.

RORY
Is there anything I can do for you, Morey?

MOREY
This is life, Rory, it breaks your heart.

BABETTE
She looked like she was sleeping. I thought she was asleep so I nudged her and she didn't wake. I gave her a push and she rolled off the couch and since I waxed the floor she went shootin' across the room and then she knocked over the lamp and she still didn't move. I knew it was over. Oh, God, my baby.

MOREY
Tell me it wasn't the --

BABETTE
Oh, Morey, don't do this to yourself. He thinks it was the clams.

MOREY
She saw me eating them and she gave me that 'hey, man, what's up?' look and --

VET
It wasn't the clams. Morey, in human years this cat was 260 years old.

LORELAI
That's a good, long life.

VET
Listen, why don't you let me take her out to the van and then I'll get out of your way.

BABETTE
Oh, no, stay. All of you, please stay. Cinnamon would want you here.

RORY
We'll stay as long as you want.

MOREY
I'll never eat clams again.

RORY
Me either.

Rory pats Morey's arm.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - DAY

Mourners are arriving bearing condonlence gifts for the grieving couple.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - DAY

The house is full of people with new people arriving constantly.

LANE
They said that they rolled her body into a lamp.

Rory nods her head.

LANE
Did you laugh?

Rory shakes her head.

LANE
Did you want to?

Rory nods her head.

RORY
But it's sad.

LANE
Yeah, it's sad.

The bearded customer from the cafe walks by as Michel comes through the door.

MICHEL
Hello? Hello? Where is Lorelai? I'm dropping something off. 
(to bearded man)
Yoo-hoo, 'Hee-Haw' man, where is Lorelai Gilmore?

The bearded man gives im an unknowing look just as Lorelai comes to the door.

LORELAI
Hey, hey, hey. Thank you. I could not get back to the inn.

MICHEL
What, you are having a party and I was not invited?

LORELAI
Sweetie, it's not a party, it's a wake.

MICHEL
Oh, really? Who died?

LORELAI
Their cat.

Michel gives her a look.

MICHEL
You are mourning a cat?

LORELAI
Yes.

MICHEL
They lick their privates, these cats.

LORELAI
Not the comforting chitchat we're looking for here. Goodbye. I'll talk to you later. Thank you.

Lorelai pushes Michel out the door just as Miss Patty is pushing her way in.

MISS PATTY
Babette, Morey, I came as soon as I heard. Oh, darling, what do you need?

Miss Patty grabs Babette and hugs her and presses Babette's head into her large chest.

BABETTE
A little air, honey!

MISS PATTY
Oh -- oh!

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - DAY

Sookie and Luke arrive at the same time, both carrying food.

SOOKIE
Oh, Luke.

LUKE
Sookie.

SOOKIE
What'cha got in the bag?

LUKE
Bricks.

SOOKIE
Yeah, good one.

LORELAI
Oh, bless you both! Everyone's starved, come in.

Sookie and Luke both try to go through the door at the same time and collide. They back up and Sookie rushes in before Luke.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - DAY

LORELAI
OK, how should we do this?

SOOKIE
Well we need a flow for the room so there's no bottlenecks. People coming in, they're gonna want a beverage. Put 'em on the first table then the smaller hors d'oeuvres next to that, leaving one hand free to greet the people. Then, back there, set up plates and cutlery. First the salads, then the meat dishes, then desserts on the piano bench. How does that sound?

Luke dumps his bags of food on a table in the middle of the room.

LUKE
Dig in!

People rush for the food.

FADE TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Rory answers a knock at the door. It's Dean with his arms full of drinks. He has to duck to get in under the low door frame.

DEAN
Oh, hi, wow. I wasn't expecting you.

RORY
Or me you. I mean, you, me. I mean, come in.

Dean takes the drinks into the other room. Lorelai walks by.

LORELAI
Do you know him?

RORY
No.

LORELAI
No?

RORY
Well, he goes to my old school, so I see him there sometimes but I go to Chilton now.

LORELAI
Thanks for the update.

RORY
You're welcome.

Lorelai leaves and Dean comes back.

DEAN
Do you have a second?

RORY
No. I have gum.

DEAN
No, thanks, uh, look --

RORY
I have to get back.

DEAN
Oh, sure. I'll see you later.

Dean leaves. Rory steps out and watches him walk away when she's Mr. Medina at the door of the neighbouring Gilmore house. She can't believe her eyes.

RORY
Mom?

Lorelai walks by the door.

LORELAI
Huh?

RORY
Isn't that --

Lorelai sees Max.

LORELAI
Oh, no.

RORY
That's Mr. Medina.

LORELAI
Tonight's Thursday!

RORY
Well, am I in trouble? Did the school call or something?

LORELAI
No, no you're great. I -- um -- let me just come back in just one second.

RORY
Wait -- what's going on?

LORELAI
Let me tell you in a minute.

RORY
Tell me now.

LORELAI
Max is here --

RORY
Max?

LORELAI
Max is here to pick me up.

RORY
Pick you up for -- oh.

LORELAI
I'm gonna go talk to him real quick and I'm gonna be right back.

Rory looks upset. Lorelai runs outside and over to her own porch where Mr. Medina is still knocking.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE, PORCH - NIGHT

LORELAI
Hey!

MAX
Oh, hi.

LORELAI
Hi.

MAX
I was knocking but no one answered.

LORELAI
I know. I was at the neighbors' house.

MAX
You're cancelling.

LORELAI
I know it's totally last minute.

MAX
I'm heart-broken.

LORELAI
I just completely forgot about our date.

MAX
And forgettable.

LORELAI
No you're memorable. I've been memorabling all week. It's just -- We had a little emergency.

MAX
Rory, is Rory OK?

LORELAI
No, Rory's fine. It's the neighbors' cat.

MAX
The neighbors' --

LORELAI
-- cat. She died.

MAX
She died.

LORELAI
This was a very fat, very beloved cat.

MAX
I see.
(pause)
Lorelai. I like you but I don't want to force something on you that you don't want so--

He walks away. Lorelai runs after him.

LORELAI
No, no, no. Wait. No, Max, you're not forcing anything on me. I am telling the truth about the cat.

MAX
Lorelai.

LORELAI
Please don't read that much into this. Call me and we'll reschedule. I promise that's what I want.

MAX
You're sure?

LORELAI
Cross my heart and hope no other neighborhood pets die on that day.

MAX
OK, I'll call.

LORELAI
Good.

MAX
Sorry about, uh --

LORELAI
Cinnamon.

MAX
Cinnamon.

Mr. Medina gets into his car and drives away.

LORELAI
Stupid cat! You couldn't have held on one more day?

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sookie and Luke are setting up food on a table.

SOOKIE
Is that meatloaf?

LUKE
Uh-huh.

SOOKIE
You use ketchup?

LUKE
You gonna make fun of my mother too?

SOOKIE
Sorry. You know, my real-fruit puffs would compliment that dish quite well.

LUKE
It's fine on its own, thank you.

SOOKIE
Right.

Pause.

LUKE
OK, toss some on the plate.

SOOKIE
Can I make a pretty design, maybe make some layers?

LUKE
Sookie!

SOOKIE
Right. Tossing them on. Got it.

Lorelai comes back in.

LORELAI
You guys, have you seen Rory anywhere?

LUKE
Yeah, I think she headed that way.

He points in the direction.

LORELAI
OK, thanks.

Kirk, the grocery store employee from earlier, approaches Miss Patty.

KIRK
Excuse me, ma'am?

MISS PATTY
Well if it isn't Kirk the jerk.

KIRK
I want to apologize for what happened at the store yesterday.

MISS PATTY
I'm listening.

KIRK
I wasn't aware that you were THE Miss Patty. The owner tells me that you're one of our best customers and you can put anything into that mouth that you want to.

Miss Patty gives him a look.

KIRK
Those were his words. I could have paraphrased them.

MISS PATTY
Stop sweating. And close your pores, Kirky, I always forgive.

KIRK
Thank you.

MISS PATTY
Once.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT

Lorelai finds Babette in the kitchen cleaning out a cabinet full of pill bottles.

LORELAI
Hey, Babette.

BABETTE
Oh, hello, sugar. Can I get you something?

LORELAI
No, I'm fine. I'm looking for Rory.

BABETTE
Oh, I think she might be in the bathroom.

LORELAI
Thanks.

She starts to leave then stops.

LORELAI
Can I help you with something?

BABETTE
Oh, no. I thought I'd just get some of this stuff packed away.

LORELAI
It's like a scene from a kitty version of 'Valley of the Dolls.'

BABETTE
Yeah. You never realize how old they actually are 'til you look in the medicine cabinet.

LORELAI
Yeah.

BABETTE
These were for her heartworms, for her thyroid, her kidneys, for the rash she got from taking these, and these were for the tic she developed from the stuff for the rash. And these -- oh jeez, these are mine. Damn, I'm gonna miss that old broad.

LORELAI
I know.

BABETTE
You know, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself now. You live to take care of your kids.

LORELAI
I know, sweetie, but you gave her everything that you had.

BABETTE
I know. She was so tiny when I got her. She could sleep in my shoe.

LORELAI
The other day I came across a hat that I made for Rory. It was like a doll hat.

BABETTE
Oh, they grow up so fast.

LORELAI
And then they take your clothes.

BABETTE
I guess eventually you have to move on. Figure out what your life is going to be when you're not busy taking care of somebody else.
(pause)
Jeez, look at this place. Not a clean glass in sight!

LORELAI
Let me help you with that.

They start to wash the glasses but the sink is too low for Lorelai. Babette gets a stool for her.

BABETTE
Here, sugar, use this. Morey sits on it when he helps me.

LORELAI
How does Morey get around in here?

BABETTE
Oh, just fine. He had a couple of concussions his first year here but he never complains. He's just the best thing. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Her voice breaks.

LORELAI
Oh, Babette. What do you mean 'without him'?

BABETTE
I saw on Oprah a few weeks ago. She had on couples who lost a child. Most of the marriages went belly-up for the pain of it all. Even though they loved each other.

LORELAI
Babette, that is not gonna happen to you.

BABETTE
I never thought a man would ever even want me.

LORELAI
I know the feeling.

BABETTE
Oh, please, with that ass? Gimme a break.

LORELAI
I mean want me for more than my ass. Me -- for me, the whole package. Annoying neuroses and all.

BABETTE
You'll find him. It might even be that stud who drove out of here in a Mustang.

LORELAI
Did you see him?

BABETTE
Yeah, what a jaw.

LORELAI
He's got a great jaw.

BABETTE
How is he in the sack?

LORELAI
I haven't even gone out with him yet.

BABETTE
Will you tell me when how he is when you do?

LORELAI
I'll call you during the cigarette.

They hug. Lorelai hits her head on a low-hanging overhead lamp. They hear Piano music from the other room.

BABETTE
Oh -- that's Cinnamon's song.

INT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Everyone is seated or standing quietly listening to Morey playing the piano. Miss Patty is beating on a drum. Babette goes over to sit with Morey. Lorelai finds Sookie in the crowd.

*Music: "I Thought About You" by Johnny Mercer & James Van Heusen**

LORELAI
Oh, I can't find Rory anywhere.

SOOKIE
I'm sure she's around.

LORELAI
Max showed up for the date that I forgot about and she saw him.

SOOKIE
And you haven't told her.

LORELAI
No.

SOOKIE
Oops.

LORELAI
Stop with the 'oops.'

SOOKIE
OK, calm down. It's not that big of a deal.

LORELAI
Her teacher showed up on her porch to take out her mother.

SOOKIE
She'll understand. You're crazy. She knows that.

LORELAI
Enough with the comforting, Sookie.

SOOKIE
Sorry.

Lorelai leaves.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Rory is outside in Babette's yard, sitting in a chair, surrounded by gnomes. Dean walks up to her out of nowhere.

DEAN
Hey.

Rory is startled.

RORY
Jeez, you scared me.

DEAN
Yeah, uh, look. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

RORY
For what?

DEAN
Well I've been kind of bugging you lately. Uh, I thought -- I don't know -- I thought that maybe you liked me. But it's obvious that you're not interested so I just wanted to say that I get it and I'm not gonna bother you anymore.

Dean starts to leave. Rory gets up and follows him.

RORY
Wait! I _AM_ interested.

*Music: "Truly Truly" by Grant Lee Phillips*

DEAN
You are?

RORY
Yes. I gotta go.

Rory leaves and Dean smiles. As Rory reaches the door Lorelai comes out.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE, PORCH - NIGHT

Lorelai steps out of Babette's house, Rory comes up to her.

LORELAI
Oh! Finally. I've been looking everywhere for you.

RORY
Well you found me.

LORELAI
Listen, I have some explaining to do. OK. So sit down in that tiny little chair and I'm gonna do it right now.

Rory sits.

LORELAI
That man on the porch was your teacher.

RORY
Mom, I'm a little behind in school but not so far behind that I don't know who the teacher is. So?

LORELAI
So -- um -- he and I were going to sort of hang out together.

RORY
On a date.

LORELAI
No, on a -- something that could appear like a date to the untrained eye.

RORY
And to your daughter's eye?

LORELAI
It was a date.

RORY
How long have you been dating him?

LORELAI
I haven't. This was gonna be the first time.

RORY
And when were you planning on telling me about this -- your wedding?

LORELAI
No -- by the rehearsal dinner at least.

Rory stands up.

RORY
He's my teacher.

LORELAI
I know.

RORY
He teaches me things every day in a very small classroom with a lot of other kids who aren't probably gonna be high-fiving me when they find this out.

LORELAI
I knw, sweetie, and I told him this was one of the things I was concerned about.

RORY
And?

LORELAI
And he thought we could be discreet.

RORY
Unbelievable!

LORELAI
Are you mad?

RORY
Yes!

LORELAI
Alright. Because I'm dating him?

RORY
Because you lied to me.

LORELAI
I kept information from you.

RORY
Information that I should have had.

LORELAI
Information that would have come out eventually. Like the Iran-Contra scandal.

RORY
So you're Oliver North.

LORELAI
No, I'm Fawn Hall.

RORY
Mom.

LORELAI
Well, she was much prettier.

RORY
I just can't believe that you didn't tell me about this. Why wouldn't you tell me?

LORELAI
'Cause I thought you were going to take it bad. Thank God I was wrong.
(pause)
OK, OK. Listen, I'm sorry. I won't date him. I promise.

RORY
I'm not saying that you can't date him. It's just -- this is weird. I mean -- there's a million guys in this world and you end up with Mr. Medina.

LORELAI
You think I don't get the weirdness factor? Believe me, the last thing I intended to do was date your teacher.

RORY
I believe you.

LORELAI
I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that. And I know you don't understand this now but you will someday. You'll meet some great guy and he'll make your head all foggy and you won't know what to do with yourself.
(sighs)
Oh, sweetie, I won't keep anything from you again. OK? I promise. From now on every aspect of my life is an open book to you.

RORY
That's OK.

LORELAI
Really, I'm not even going to get dressed until I tell you what I'm thinking of wearing.

RORY
Fair enough.

LORELAI
OK, tomorrow I'm thinking the purple tiger top, the black leather skirt, the panda bear underwear.

RORY
Oh, good.

LORELAI
But of course I'm totally open to suggestions.

RORY
Here's one: get some help.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW: BABETTE'S HOUSE, PORCH - NIGHT

Later that night. Lorelai and Rory are leaving Babette's. Babette and Morey walk them out.

LORELAI
Let us know if we can do anything.

BABETTE
Oh, you've done too much already.

LORELAI
Good-night, Babette.

Lorelai hugs Babette.

BABETTE
Good-night, sugar.

RORY
Good-night, Morey.

Rory hugs Morey.

MOREY
Stay cool, Rory.

BABETTE
It's getting late.

MOREY
Let's stay outside a while, baby. Look for the Big Dipper.

BABETTE
OK, I'd like that.

Morey puts his arm around Babette's shoulders and they watch the sky.

CUT TO:

INT. STARS HOLLOW: LORELAI'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The phone rings as Rory and Lorelai walk in their front door.
Lorelai picks it up.

LORELAI
Hello.

INT. HARTFORD: ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Emily is sitting on the couch, phone in hand.

EMILY
I've been trying to get you all afternoon.

.INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LORELAI
Mom?

EMILY
Yes.

LORELAI
Hi.

EMILY
You already said that.

LORELAI
But someone hasn't.

EMILY
(sighs)
Hello.

LORELAI
There we go.

EMILY
You are impossible to reach.

LORELAI
Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom.

EMILY
I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you?

LORELAI
At a wake.

EMILY
A what?

LORELAI
A wake... a funeral.

EMILY
A funeral? Whose?

LORELAI
It was for the neighbors' --

Rory motions Lorelai not to say it.

LORELAI
-- cat.

Lorelai mouths 'what?' to Rory. Emily doesn't say anything.

LORELAI
Mom?

EMILY
Hold on. I'm looking up anyuresm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.

LORELAI
I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.

EMILY
A cat?

LORELAI
Yeah, a cat. It was a cat's funeral.

EMILY
You skipped your own cousin's funeral for a cat's funeral?

LORELAI
Not my cousin, mom. My father's grandmother's sister's girl who I've never --

EMILY
You said you couldn't be away from the inn.

LORELAI
Well I couldn't at the time, but I worked it out.

EMILY
For a cat?

LORELAI
It's late. I have a big day tomorrow, Mom.

EMILY
Oh, what? You're going to a racoon's wedding?

LORELAI
Good-night, Mother.

EMILY
Good-night.

Lorelai hangs up and walks into the kitchen.

LORELAI
Aaagh! She's working for a sedative manufacturer. Keeping that demand sky-high.

RORY
You shouldn't have told her.

LORELAI
Well I don't know what to tell and what to hide.

RORY
Yeah.

LORELAI
So we never did quite settle the whole dating-your-teacher issue. I won't go out with him if you don't want me to.

RORY
You can go out with whoever you want.

LORELAI
It's whoever we want.

RORY
Well I'm certainly not going to go out with him 'cause that would be really weird.

LORELAI
But I mean it. I won't see him if you don't want me to.

RORY
Huh.

LORELAI
You know, if there's anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, big or small, then he's out of there.

RORY
Good to know.

LORELAI
Because you know it's not like I'm desperate. I mean, there are plenty of other guys out there.

RORY
Sure are.

LORELAI
And it's not like I have to ask your permission. I mean, this is a courtesy.

RORY
OK.

Rory goes into her room and closes the door. On the other side of the door, Lorelai raises her voice to be heard.

LORELAI
OK, so I'm going to be up for a while, if you want to get back to me on this.

RORY (S.O.)
I know where you are.

Lorelai starts to leave. Rory opens the door and sticks her head out.

RORY
Hey, do you think you could keep him out really late on Thursday night because I have this oral exam on Friday that I'd really love him to sleep through.

LORELAI
(smiles)
I'll do my best.

>_END OF SHOW_<